There are some folks who are just horrible when it comes to naming names and identifying celebrities. I work with a gal who knows absolutely no one; she literally knows nothing about nothing. When The L Word first premiered she asked me if Pam Grier, the beloved Kit Porter, was in fact Chaka Khan. I was floored. It’s Pam fricken Grier--the one and only legendary Foxy-bad-ass-gun-toting Brown!
A ten-minute lecture followed by threat of eviction from our Showtime soirées unless she brushed up on her iconic figures in TV history ensued. Kit Porter and her fictitious LA café, The Planet, are an integral part of the L Word and the hub where our favorite dysfunctional, fat-free latte slugging Lesbos congregate. I couldn’t imagine the L Word without Grier. Who else could offer a sturdy enough shoulder for neurotic baby sis Bette to cry on?
This got me thinking. How many other girls of primetime go unnoticed? How many integral actresses get erroneously named or even worse, fail to get a name because viewers have no idea who they are? Not that I haven’t had fun week after week making lascivious comments about the great asses and breasts of the rich and famous, but I now realize that I have been extremely remiss in paying homage to the myriad of other talented actresses who play a crucial role on some of my favorite prime time shows.
Week after week I know the prime time elite won’t fail to impress. SVU’s Mariska Hargitay and Grey’s Anatomy’s Sara Ramirez are a sure bet for inciting some lewd thought or another in my head. But these smokin’ babes are only as good as the support system around them. This week’s column is dedicated to those ladies and to the amazing guest stars equally deserving of objectification for their bangin’ bodies--or at least their big personalities.
Take Samantha Who? for example. Christina Applegate (Samantha) and Jennifer Esposito (Andrea) get steady marks each week for their turn as sexy martini-lovin’, man-ogling gal pals. Yet I’ve said nothing about veteran actress Jean Smart, who plays Samantha’s mom or of Melissa McCarthy, who plays Dena, Samantha’s childhood friend. Dena’s do-gooder obsession is glorious fodder for the obnoxiously shallow Andrea, while Smart commands big laughs for her unconventional parenting. Thumbs up to Smart and McCarthy for their riotous performances on ABC’s comedy about my favorite amnesiac. No one puts these two babies in the corner!
 L Word alum Sarah Shahi, who played sexy DJ Carmen de la Pica Morales has turned up on the new NBC drama Life. While Shahi’s character Detective Dani Reese is a leading lady and ferociously sexy, whether wrapped in a towel or wielding her big, hard gun, she’s even sexier when paired up with a gorgeous guest star. Last week’s episode of Life attracted Malaya Rivera Drew, best known perhaps for her stint on the L Word last season as Jenny Schecter’s compunctionless assistant. Adele.
In Life Rivera Drew saddled up along side Shahi playing a Native American woman who discovers a devastating secret her father has been keeping from her since birth. In one scene, Rivera Drew deftly leaped up on her horse and galloped off into the desert. While it was all work and little play during Det. Reese’s murder investigation, a little bareback action between these two beauts would have really sizzled. Who says it doesn’t ever get wet in the desert?
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As Catherine Willows on the CBS hit CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, actress Marg Helgenberger is a leading lady among a cast of extraordinary pretty people, including Lauren Lee Smith, another L Word alum, and a recent addition to this bevy of steaming hot crime fighters. Smith may not be front and center in this Thursday night blockbuster, but she sure ain’t second fiddle either. One thing’s for certain, Smith certainly elicits plenty of illegal sex crimes in my sordid head.
But it was Tippi Hedren’s guest spot as the widow of a Vegas nightclub owner that pushed CSI into the number one slot recently. Hedren looked spectacular during her recent primetime stint and proved a true diva has ultimate staying power. Without a doubt, it was this classy lady who stole the spotlight for me last week. And she did it without a bird in sight.
Law and Order’sAlana De La Garza, who plays ADA Connie Rubirosa, is yet another smokin’ babe who may not be on the front lines with the big boys. But I’d proudly support public urination if it meant the chance to throw myself on top--I mean on the mercy--of this saucy legal eagle. Personally, I’m thinking a stint in the clink wouldn’t be half bad if it meant having De La Garza for a celly. I have the bigger ass… so I guess that automatically makes De La Garza my prison bitch? You’ll have to excuse me; I’m going outside to pee on my neighbor’s holly bush and illuminated reindeer displays.
Sci-fi bad ass Katee Sackhoff, Battlestar Galatica’s Kara "Starbuck" Thrace, gave a stellar performance as a rape victim on last week’s episode of Law and Order. Sackhoff’s ripped arms and chest made this pacifist pray for a little anarchy…Sapphic style.
Finally, Sarah Baker had one of, if not the funniest, guest spots on a prime time series. The fabulously funny, large-framed Baker stole the limelight on last week’s episode of Kath and Kim as Marjorie, the non-negotiating, uber-serious parking cop. Baker’s spot-on comedic timing and sexual prowess proved a gal doesn’t have to be a size 6 to shake her groove thang for the boys. Baker even upstaged Maya Rudolph’s turn on K and K as an eccentric life coach and spiritual advisor.
While I’ll never bore of my tried-and-true favorites like Ghost Whisperer’s Jennifer Love Hewitt and her beyond-this-realm bosom or SVU’s Mariska, Grey’s Sara and even How I Met Your Mother’sCobie Smulders, I’m equally thankful for great guest spots and the Grade A gals a bit off in the distance. I may not be moved by Sarah Baker’s rack as I am by Love Hewitt’s, but Baker made me belly laugh during every scene. Only JLH’s wardrobe has ever been able to do that.
Missed the last Where the Girls Are on TV? Read it here.
