The 12 Inevitable Stages of Wanting a Sugar Daddy

Alexander Kirk

"Damn, life would be so much easier if I had a sugar daddy." We’ve all thought it. And let’s be honest, we’ve all probably attempted nabbing a sugar daddy of our own (no matter how feeble that attempt actually was). It’s a vicious cycle of wanting to be an independent young adult but also, like, wanting a new car for once in your life.

Well if you’re here to learn a little more about the topic, or you're just here to relate on so many levels, here are the 12 (inevitable) stages of wanting a rich sugar daddy to pay for things. 

Stage 1: "I’m Poor."

You avoid looking at your bank account balance, overdraft fees are real, and your car is on its last leg. 

Stage 2: "I can totally do this!"

Also known as "The Pep Talk." Your moral code may stand in your way, but you push that bitch to the side and say, "I'm going for it!"

Stage 3: The Fantasy

A tall, dark, salt and pepper, muscle daddy, please. 

Stage 4: The Hunt

The hunt mostly happens online in secrecy (you're on the DL, we understand). You create a profile and browse...

Stage 5:  The Realization

Well...your fantasy surely isn't coming true with any of these guys...

Stage 6: Bite the Bullet

In other words, you settle and pick the lesser of all the evils. We'll call him Jim. 

Stage 7: Convincing Yourself Jim Doesn’t Want Sex

"He seems nice, he just wants companionship!"

Stage 8: Jim Wants Sex

Stage 9: You Flake

You don't just flake on Jim, you flake on every sugar daddy you ever meet online (even if they do just want companionship). What if someone sees you at dinner with them? How do you explain that to your co-workers? Your friends? Or worse: YOUR PARENTS?!

Stage 10: "I definitely can’t do this."

Stage 11: Burn the Evidence

Delete the messages, delete the profile, block out the memories, and pretend this never happened. 

Stage 12: Repeat Steps 1-11 (Until You Yourself Become a Sugar Daddy)

I told you it was a vicious circle...

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