10 Ways to Deal with Jealousy

10 Ways to Deal with Jealousy

Everyone gets jealous. (Even those poly people who act holier than Buddha, trust me.) It's normal and natural to get jealous in relationships, especially if you actually like the person. But jealousy can often end relationships, and jealousy can cause us to act insecure, irrational, and to be controlling. How much do you hate it when your partner tries to dictate how you spend your time or accuses you of a non-existent relationship based on something they saw on social media? It sucks, right? Finding someone who gives you good sex and enjoyable company is difficult to come by.

So, when jealousy pops up, be it over your partner's ex, their friend that's a little too close for comfort, or just some random Instagram hottie, let's learn how to healthily deal with it, so we don't end up sobbing and single...

Reflect on your own life.

When we're jealous, we can become blind with rage. As part of that blindness, sometimes we forget our own actions. We might be doing the exact same thing that our partner is doing that's making us so angry. Do you have an ex you text every once in a while? Did you flirt with a coworker last night? Do you still prowl Grindr when you're bored, even if you have no intention of meeting up with anyone? Yes? Are you still in love and loyal to your partner, and find such actions harmless? Sometimes, with jealousy, it's helpful to take a look in the mirror before we begin pointing fingers. 

Examine what’s making you insecure.

There is usually a reason why a person is making you jealous. For instance, do they have fabulous hair and you worry yours is too thin? Did they grow up with your partner, and therefore have a plethora of memories that you could never recreate? When we understand why we're jealous of someone, it becomes easier to overcome the emotion. 

Work out.

Working out helps with jealousy in two ways. One, hitting the gym helps you look hot, and when we look hot, we feel better about ourselves. Two, working out gives us feel-good endorphins, which are lovely natural drugs our body produces all on its own. If you're feeling extra salty about something, hit the gym before you send that vicious text message. 

Stay off social media.

Social media can make you go insane by creating situations in your head that aren't even real. For instance, you may see your partner like a photo of their ex, and start connecting dots, and think that they miss them. In reality, your partner could literally be taking a shit and liking every photo on their feed while they poop. Everyone presents their best selves and their hottest (and filtered) photos on social media. So stop stalking. What you see isn't real, and it will only make you feel worse. 

Talk to your partner.

Talking about jealousy can be hard because people tend to get defensive. If you go up to your partner and start screaming at them for blowing David, regardless of if they blew David or not, they are going to be defensive. So if something is making you feel jealous, talk to your partner so it doesn't build in your mind and blow up into a fight. But do it in a constructive manner, using "I feel" statements. Try something like, "I feel like you've been spending more time with your friend David than you have been with me, and I admit that it's making me feel insecure, so I'd love to talk about your relationship, so I can be supportive of this friendship rather than jealous." 

Consider how jealousy shows you care.

Jealousy is never fun or a good look, but we don't get jealous in relationships we don't give a shit about. So on the bright side, if you're feeling jealous about something your partner's doing, congrats, you're dating someone that you actually like for once. 

Use your brain instead of your emotions.

When we're in love (or lust) it can be easy to let our animal brains take over and to act solely on emotion. This may sound crass, but sometimes, you have to think about relationships like a business and use your brain. Do you want it to succeed in the long run? If the answer is yes, then rather than lashing out using pure emotion, stop and think strategically. Do you really have a reason to be jealous? Is it worth picking a fight over? And if there is an issue, what is the healthiest way to discuss it in order to preserve your relationship? 

Do something nice for the person you’re jealous of.

I know, I know. Trust me, the very last thing I want to do is be kind to the person my partner used to sleep with and now is "just friends with" but still hangs out with. But they're someone important to him, and he's important to me, and so I need to at least tolerate this person in our lives. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Consider making an act of goodwill towards the person you're jealous of, even if it's as simple as liking one of their Instagram posts. You may even actually make a friend, and realize that this person isn't a threat at all, and understand why your partner wants them in their life. 

Consider all the good things within your relationship.

Is the sex hot? Do you know each other's darkest secrets, and still love one another? Do you have beautiful vacation memories and stunning photos to prove it? Reflecting on the good (actually writing out a list can help) can be extremely beneficial in quelling jealousy in relationships, as it forces you to look at the good, rather than the bad. 

Remember how fabulous you are.

You're a catch. Your partner is lucky to have you, and frankly, you'd be fine without them. They should be jealous of all the attention and accomplishments you have in your life, because you're fabulous. Sometimes the best remedy for jealousy is a healthy dose of self-esteem.