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"What are you doing for Valentines Day?" My hopeless romantic and mostly delusional friend asked me while we were leaving the coffee shop.
"I don't Do Valentines Day." I said, sipping my soy caramel macchiato.
"What do you mean, you don't DO Valentines Day?"
"What do you mean, what do I mean I don't DO Valentines Day? I don't do Valentines Day. It's generic. It's a Hallmark Holiday!"
"Says who? It's about love!"
"Valentine's Day has as much to with love as Presidents' Day has to do with mattresses! It's commercialism pure and simple."
"You are a grumpy dyke!"
"You are a naïve lezzy!"
"There should be a day to celebrate relationships!"
"Don't be ridiculous! It's not about celebrating relationships. It's about buying things that no one really needs. Valentine's day has as much to do with love and relationships as presidents day has to do with government."
"You're a grumpy dyke!"
"You're a naïve lezzy!"
Clearly, this conversation wasn't getting anywhere and before our conversation disintegrated into complete middle school-aged repartee -- we ducked into Duane Reade.
As soon as I walked in I knew it was a bad idea. The store was full of pink, and red and white! Choking back the vomit I headed to where the Pepto Bismal should be. You know what I found? A red plastic heart with skinny white legs that sang "Love Me Do" by the Beatles.
I scooped the lead filled kitschy -- and put it behind my back and headed to find my friend to beat her over her head with the evidence.
There she was... in the card section. I paused for a moment watching her pick up and put down several doily-covered, cliched cards.
"How's it going over here? Did you find any dead trees that say... just the right thing?"
Not looking at me she said, "No. These are all pretty straight! Husbands to Wives. Wives to husbands. Boyfriends to girlfriends."
"You mean, there is not a card that says- "I couldn't ask for a better scissor sister!"
Or maybe something more romantic like:
"Even though you stole my favorite vest and we haven't had sex in six months -- I love you madly! Will you commitment ceremony me! They don't have that card here!"
Still looking at the cards. "No."
"What about this?" I pulled out the evidential kitschy from behind my back and pressed it's middle:
"Love, love me do -- you know I love you!"
She faked a half-smile.
"What's the matter? I thought this was pretty funny. Look at his legs. See?"
"It's kind of funny," she said through a forced smile. "They don't have any cards here that are right."
"I know. I'm sorry!"
Sensing that this would not be the right time to hit her over the head with my nail to the coffin of, "I told you this shit was a generic made up hallmark holiday!" I left her standing in her aisle of disappointment while I headed over to the school supplies.
Construction paper.
Glitter glue -- cause I love glitter.
Scissors.
And one of those really fun pens that write in gold -- I love those.
I headed back.
"Here you go!"
She smiled--"You think I should..."
"Yeah, make her something! There's nothing in this aisle that speaks to the beauty, complexity, dignity and ridiculousness of your relationship here -- except maybe this one...
"You're the best husband because you take out the trash!"
She laughed! We headed to the check out. She armed with her Valentine's supplies and me with that damn plastic heart with skinny legs that's definitely chock full of lead -- Cause, it's funny and I'm a sucker for The Beatles!
Missed Gloria's last column? Read it here.
