You know, my mom once warned me when I was a kid that being gay would make my life difficult. She was right, but not just because I face discrimination and prejudice and all that. Being a lesbian means that when it comes to dating, we are all fishing in a puddle. So I recently decided to throw out my old-school routine and expand my puddle by joining a dating site.

At first I just browsed. I wanted to see if I recognized anyone from the bar or coffee shop scene. I didn’t. I’m still not sure if that’s a good or bad sign. Then I decided to start messaging some people, and other people started messaging me. I have discovered that there’s a few key things you need to include in a message and your profile if you want a response. In the interest of improving online dating site experiences for all Sapphic women out there, here are some tips:

Your profile:

1)  Have a couple pictures. Facelessness freaks people out, and just one isn’t enough to get a sense of what you really look like.

2)  Put a fact in about yourself that makes you stand out. For example, you might have an unusual pet. Or maybe you’ve eaten a really strange food, like cow tongue, and you have something to say about that (unlike the now-tongueless cow).

3)  When you respond to “what are the 6 things you could never live without,” put something classier than “eating out. he he he”

Your choice of someone to message:

1)  The age range people are looking for is probably flexible, but it’s not that flexible. If I say “21-30,” I’m not going to respond to you, KeLLymAy_1993.

2)  Really, you live in Altoona, PA, and you’re messaging someone who lives in D.C.? How does that make sense to you?

3)  Make sure the person says she is interested in women before you message her, and that she is interested in men and women before you message her about having a threesome with you and your boyfriend.

Your message:

1)  Read her profile before you message her.

2)  Make your message say more than “hey, what’s up?”

3)  Whatever your message is, end it with one or two intelligent questions that show that you read her profile. Does she say she likes Harry Potter? Ask her what house she would be in. Does she mention that she has hissing cockroaches? Ask her in God’s name why. (True story, I saw that on someone’s profile once.)

4)  Avoid questions that can be answered by Googling them. “What is physical therapy?” and “what does your Australian shepherd look like?” are not good questions.

Dating sites can seem a little skeevy, and it takes a certain amount of strength for a couple to admit to their friends that they met online. But if you’re stuck in a rut, what have you got to lose by checking it out?

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