Sex Toys and I are Back Together

I have a love-hate relationship with sex toys. OK, maybe love-hate is a little strong. But if I had to describe my relationship to sex toys on Facebook it would say "It's complicated." We're kind of off again-on again.

Sex toys are like online-hookups; when they are good you fall in love and fantasize about moving in with them right away. When they're bad you feel dirty and possibly end up rocking back and forth in a corner of your therapist's office petting your hair and mumbling to yourself.

The other thing is, I'm always having weird public experiences with my sex toys. The TSA seems to have some issue with the contents of my carry-on every time I fly anywhere. Once I had a vibrator turn itself on in my handbag while I was at the Hertz counter and oh yeah, and then there was that time I knocked a dildo out my girlfriend's second floor window. It hit the pavement miraculously standing straight up and down like a little silicone soldier. I'm totally serious. What's worse, someone was moving into the building next door, and the movers saw it standing there and assumed it had fallen out of one of the boxes. And yes they did, they picked it up and put it in a box and moved it right into the next-door neighbors house.

I think your sex toy success largely depends on where you live and what kind of adult gadgetry stores you have access to. I'm doing this stint in the South right now, and as far as shopping for bedroom items goes, let's just say my choices are limited. I've tried shopping with an open mind and branching outside my usual faves; but unfortunately the life size model of Jenna Jameson's disembodied pussy and ass didn't work out. While it makes an interesting pencil holder, it smells like a plastic shower curtain and the whatever it's made out of leaked chemicals that ate through the varnish on my desk.

This whole thing was kind of bringing me down, so I complained about the South's dearth of horny-femme-appropriate love items to my pal Gill at Canada's awesome sex toy co-op Come As You Are. Gill, understanding that a lady has needs, took pity on me and the next thing you know a fancy care package from Canada arrived in the mail. And I mean fancy. Sex toys and I are totally back together again.

Let me just tell you about what I got. First, there's the Lelo Elise, Lelo is a fancy Scandinavian company that refers to all their toys as "pleasure objects." They are totally classy and you should probably give one to your married sister for Christmas instead of that stick blender you were planning on buying her. 

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This particular pleasure object has so many speeds and settlings I still haven't figured them all out. Also all the Lelo toys are rechargeable. Rechargeable is everything. Screw Pocket Rockets with dead batteries. I'm never going back.

I also got another Lelo vibe: the Lily. It's adorable, also has a kajillion speeds, and last for seven hours off one charge. I know this because the other day I was getting busy with my girlfriend, and I guess we were a little out of control because the Lily slipped out of my hand, vibrated itself off the bed, and traveled back and forth across the room, bouncing off the baseboards like a Roomba. We just kept going, and so did the Lily. I still haven't had to recharge it.

My care package also contained a whole slew of other things that I promise to tell you about next time; I don't want you to get overwhelmed by too many choices. 

Read more of Diana's musings here. 

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