So I just celebrated another birthday last Saturday - June 13th if you must know - and to hallmark the milestone of being only two years shy of the big 40, I decided to have an adult party - adult as in now that I am mature and wiser I don't need to get trashed, high, loud and make a spectacle of myself.

For this very special occasion, I got a bunch of my close friends to meet me at Avalon Hotel in Beverly Hills for a birthday toast, in chic and style surrounded by the fancy trendy scenery of a very cozy - and very "reserved" for me - cabana overlooking a pristine pool and the sexy cocktail waitresses.

It couldn't have been more perfect! That was until something totally unexpected came to shake my peaceful world. Somewhere during the festivities a very close friend of mine-- who shall remain anonymous--leaned over and in a discreet murmur made me what you might call an indecent proposal. I don't know why but in the blink of an eye I suddenly saw in its entirety my past 38-years flashback before my eyes.

And the sequence of floats of my life-story inauguration parade featured of course some of my most remarkably memorable moments including but not limited to: running a triathlon in my head because I was bored; adopting a  rescued dog, for effect, to show my community service spirit; turning myself into a social activist by painting in red the curb in front of my garage to protest against the cars obstructing access to my parking spot; and single-handedly declaring war to a horde of ferocious army worms that had set their military camp in my kitchen inside my recycle trash bin.

I've surely done a lot in such short amount of time, but I have not yet done a threesome. With as mere as a not so careless whisper of a good friend, I was offered the opportunity to mend the critical absence of the ultimate sexual exploration bravado and remedy my criminal negligence vis a vis a life of debauchery.   
Yep, I got propositioned to partake in a ménage a trois. Talk about a scandalously kinky birthday gift!  One thing for sure, my party was indeed nothing short of adult-themed surprises.

Hmmm, a three-way or no way?  
I will confess that the fact that my friend and her girlfriend considered me to materialize whatever sexual fantasy they had concocted together was quite flattering. It sort of made me feel privileged and quite special to know that I was THE chosen one.

Yet at the same time I couldn't help but drift a frown as I cogitated over the real motive behind the impromptu solicitation and, even more importantly, pondered the most crucial question: what's in it for me? What can I possibly gain and/or learn by being thrown in the middle of the arena with two sexually liberated and apparently very famished hyenas? Despite the certitude that I could possibly be eaten alive or serve as the extra decadent dessert, would I not also be setting myself up for an irrecoverable emotional fiasco? Not to mention, I could potentially be the catalyst instigating the fatal beginning of the end of my friend's relationship with her girlfriend.

Admittedly, I'm nothing remotely close to prude, naïve or shy and I rarely get really shocked at anything anymore. I'm confidently very open-minded, immensely comfortable in my sexual skin and absolutely not judgmental as far as other people's bedroom practices are concerned - not just because I mind my own business, but because I literally don't care.

Of course this was not the first time I was sinfully seduced to join a threesome but it was the first time the offer had an expiration date: best if consumed by the early morning hours of June 14, 2009. As I sensed the pressure and tension mounting, I felt urgently compelled to summon my lady committee for jury duty.
Ok I'll cop to it, I mainly wanted, for vanity sake, to remain the center of attention - social birthday etiquette required. And yes I shamelessly utilized the topic of troika fornication as my weapon of mass discussion.

more on next page...

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(continued)

"Ladies, has anyone ever indulged in a ménage a trois?" I asked.
Out of nowhere my not so innocent friend Vicky, usually known to be the "quiet one", assertively took the floor and proceeded to recount one of her "let's get happy TRIOgether" episodes. She and her girlfriend recruited the help of another female friend, they mutually felt attracted to, to spice and mix things up in the sack -- and why not, possibly discover a new thing or two or three in the acrobatic technique department.
But what was billed as a fun, decadent and erotic activity in the end left Vicky with three bitter words: "not so much!"  Reportedly, my friend felt emotionally neglected not to mention that her sexual appetite had not fully being satiated and, just like Chinese food, an hour later she was still starving.

However, the real problem was that the third wheel had difficulty comprehending the English meaning of "one time only" and convincingly talked Vicky's girlfriend into doing it again, only this time minus Vicky. I was never good at arithmetic but I think I can accurately do the math on this one and safely conclude that the result does not equate to threesome but to CHEATING. But then again, isn't the essential definition of three-way the mutual consenting permission to be unfaithful?

This is exactly where my ménage a trois reticence emanates from. There seems to be more cons than pros at stake - mainly a shady business deal with a slim profitable return on investment. Seriously, why call the plumber if the toilet isn't broken, that is the fastest way to flush your relationship down the bowl. Sure a threesome can be awesome (yawn!), but it can also have awfully damaging repercussions to your ego, self-confidence and self-esteem.

The outcome is the sudden rise of insecurities resulting from what I call the inescapable triple "S" comparison crescendo effect whereby the intensity of your self-consciousness gradually increases from simple to significant to suicidal.
If two is cooperation, three is competition! It's the basic difference between being a participant and a contestant - the first one collaborates, the second evaluates.
The comparison process can be as simple and benign as she has bigger boobies; it can also be slightly more significant like assessing she is a much better kisser; and finally it can be detrimentally suicidal when you're stuck on the bench the whole game because your partner is having a better sexual connection with the third party -- esteemed to be a stronger performer -- than with you.

Alright, I'm jealous, possessive, excessively passionate and obsessively competitive.
And for God's sake, need I really remind you that I don't ever share my food?
But wait a minute! What am I worrying about? I'm the third wheel here - the emotionally non-attached, non-committed party who's sexually wanted by two sexy goddesses. Would I be insane to decline? Well maybe I wouldn't have graciously bowed out had I not, in the midst of my mental philosophical debate, had an epiphany of epic proportion.

I suddenly came to realize that as a Gemini having two personalities, while seemingly practicing monogamy, I am, ironically, automatically always engaging in a ménage a trois.  And if I go back to the arithmetic board and calculate: one person equals masturbation; two people equal sex, three people equal threesome, and four people equal debauchery...logically a threesome for me then qualifies as an orgy. Oh Gee! They say one too many is never enough.

Me? Not so much!





Mona Elyafi is the founder/CEO of ILDK Media - a boutique entertainment public relations agency specializing in personal publicity, special events, media relations & corporate/brand communications.  www.ILDKMedia.com