I play golf -- not well, but I play golf. I’ve been trying to get in more and more games, and last week I had the opportunity to play in a tournament at one of the most exclusive country clubs in the Philadelphia area. Needless to say I was more than a bit nervous.
My girlfriend took me to buy an appropriately nice outfit to wear: pink and light brown checkered shorts, and a matching white with tan-detail collared shirt. I even had a white visor. I knew this was going to be very different from my other golfing experiences…and it was.
Usually I play what I refer to as the “Hillbilly Par 3."It’s real name involves some cute animal and some body of water…Turtle Creek?…Fox River?…but it picked up my nickname the day I played in front of three guys in overalls and work boots.
“Hey guys…I’m slow. Ya’ll go ahead play through.”
“That’s quite alright,” they countered, and all three pulled out beers from their bags and sat on a bench. “ We plan on finishing a case as we finish the course. Care to join us?”
I was remembering those guys as I pulled up to the valet at this gorgeous building for my tournament. I was handed a goody bag and pointed towards the driving range and the club house. My next moves were: drinking two mimosas in quick succession, slicing one bucket of balls and hitting the bathroom to pee and possibly throw up from nerves.
Luckily, the rest of my foursome were accomplished golfers and damned if we didn’t win the tournament. There was even beer -- and Gatorade -- at each hole throughout the course. Now of course I’m hooked and obsessed -- lessons…more collared shirts, etc... I want to play better, and of course have beer -- or Gatorade -- at every hole. To coin a phrase, “I want it all.”
Not surprisingly, professional athletes have this same battle cry. Meet Alena Schurkova, a 32E-sized professional volleyball player who wants it all for Romanian tennis star Simona Haleps, who has made the decision to reduce her 34DD breasts.
“If she does this it sends out the message that girls with big boobs can’t play sports and that is just wrong. I am 32E and I have never found them to be a problem.”
She also claims that if Haleps has the surgery, post-op recovery could produce a less mobile player (with smaller breasts). Her pointers? Don’t skimp on the sports bra, and strange stretching exercises.
Still want more? Still need it all? Are you missing football yet?
Well, I warn you against attending Layla Kiffin’s all day women only Tennessee football camp. It’s not really what you and I would call the obvious football camp. This so called “camp” is geared around teaching the more delicate sex the finer details of that rough and tumble sport so that they'll better enjoy the game experience. Small surprise that it raises money for the football program, as do those bright orange polyester pants hanging in the window of the Volunteer’s bookstore.
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Layla’s husband and new coach Lane Kiffin will be there, but he’s not nearly as good looking -- and he's therefore uninteresting to me. What is notable, is that ESPN sportscaster Erin Andrews and Layla were Florida sorority sisters. Diligent research via several Florida Gator sorority girls confirms that the Zeta Tau Alphas have a campus reputation as being "wild and cool, but a little bit slutty."
Gee, I can’t think of a more perfect sentence…
Where was I? Oh yeah…having it all–which usually leads to me sitting on the couch recovering the next day. I did that and watched both Williams sisters get pushed out of the French open, and #1 Dinara Safina getting knocked off in the finals by #7 Svetlana Kuznetsova.
I also watched the Women’s College Softball World Series, with a #3 Washington Huskies win over #1 Florida Gators. Is it just me or do those fast-pitch girls throw that ball a lot faster now than when I was playing?
I leave you with a blog story from a woman who never seems to have time to sit on a couch or anywhere else, Pat Griffin. She’s a Professor Emerita at the University of Massachusetts and author of "Strong Women, Deep Closets: Lesbian and Homophobia in Sports.". Her blog (Pat Griffin’s LGBT Sports) always has great insight and had this story.
Seems that up in Maine, sheep and softball go hand in hand -- or feet in, period. Former high school coach Kelly Jo Clarkson made her team walk barefoot through sheep shit, and then was promptly fired. The school said it was because of the incident, but Clarkson claims she was only reprimanded after the hazing and contends that the firing was because she is a lesbian -- apparently this ritual had been performed for the preceding two years as well.
Clarkson’s lawsuit has bounced from court to court and now it’s back in Superior Court to be decided by jury. Whatever side of the animal fence you fall on regarding sports' hazing, Pat had some great questions I thought I’d share with you:
1) Is she a sheep farmer on the side?
2) How did she get it to the picnic? In the back of her SUV?
3) Where did she put it? In a child’s wading pool? On a big plastic sheet? Did she just dump it onto a field in the picnic area?
These and many more strange questions, sports, and animals can be viewed here. See you on the sports couch soon –please wipe your feet first, Thanks.
