11 Things You Should NEVER Say to Bisexual Men

Think twice before saying something offensive and biphobic.

A part of me feels like I write about this all the time. That’s why I initially thought to myself there’s no reason to have another “things not say to bi people” article. Alas, in the past couple months, I’ve been receiving a number of these questions and comments. So I say it’s high time, yet again, to remind gay and straight folks of the the 11 things you should never say to a bi man.

1. “Who are you into more? Men or women?”

Sexual attraction can ebb and flow. Sometimes I find myself only looking at men, watching gay porn exclusively. Sometimes, my head only turns when I see a woman I’m attracted to walk down the street. I’m frankly not even sure how to answer a question like that. I don’t think sexual attraction is quantifiable.

2. “When’s the last time you had sex with a [insert gender]?”

This question is a trap. It assumes that you must actively have sex with multiple genders in order to be “truly” bisexual. This is not the case.

3. “When’s the last time you dated a [insert gender]?”

This question is also a trap.

It assumes you must actively date multiple genders in order to be bi. You can be bi and only date one gender. You can also be bi and in a committed monogamous relationship with one person (of one gender).

4. “So does that mean you’re not into trans folks?”

Bisexuality doesn't mean you’re only attracted to cismen and ciswomen. The “bi” in bisexuality means that you’re attracted to genders that are your own, and genders that aren’t. I, personally, am attracted to all genders.

5. “But you’re married to a [insert gender!]”

Yes, true, but that doesn’t mean your sexual attractions to various genders disappear. It’s like, when you’re gay and married to another man, you’re still attracted to other men. You’re just not acting on those sexual urges because you’ve made a commitment.

6. “Research speculates that bisexuality doesn’t actually exist in men.”

Girl, bye. So much of sexuality research is terrible. Truly awful. They do weird things like measure the strength of your erection to then claim that you’re not bisexual. There’s a lot more than physiology and the strength of your boner that goes into sexual identity.  

7. “Isn’t everyone a little bisexual?”

Nope. I don’t think do. Otherwise there’d be a lot more straight guys going down on me. But pretty sure those guys aren’t into men at all.  

8. “I used to identify as bi before realizing I was gay.”

Good for you! That doesn’t mean all bi men use the label as a stepping stone just because you did. Some men proudly identify as bisexual and will until the day they die.

9. “Want to have a threesome with me and my girlfriend?”

Personally, I do. But I’m an anomaly in that regard. Most bi men (and bi women very much included) don’t like being propositioned for a threesome before knowing anything about the couple asking. We don’t want to be your experiment.

10. “Do you miss men when you're monogamous with a woman?”

Do you miss other men when you’re in a committed relationship with your boyfriend? Yes, of course you do. But you’ve made a commitment.

11. “I once dated a bi guy. He cheated on me with a [person of another gender].”

I’m sorry you experienced this. I truly am. But you know that doesn't mean all bi folks are cheaters, right? I’m not sure that you’re actually aware of this.

Caveat: If you’re friends, you can ask some of these questions.

I want to say that if you’re friends with someone, or you know someone well, it’s okay to ask some of these questions. If you don’t know the answer, and simply want to know, that’s fine. There’s a way to ask these questions in a way that’s respectful. However, often, these questions are asked in a way that is attempting to somehow “stump” the person on being bisexual. Or not being “bisexual enough.” People want to be able to say, “Look, you haven’t slept with a woman in a year so you can’t be bi.” That, I believe is wrong.