Black Sails: Third Episode is Not The Charm for Max and Eleanor

I want to hate everything about last night’s Black Sails, but the level of emotional energy I’ve apparently invested in this show keeps proving me wrong. Max and Eleanor (and honestly, this whole pirate-y situation) have become maybe my favorite thing about the weekend, even when they keep hurting me with their sad choices and horrible ability to stay together. This week, Eleanor, who believes Max has escaped on a boat into blissful blissiness, must face that her trade stores are dangerously low and once the pirates hear of her father’s arrest they’ll possibly stop trading at her island altogether. Eleanor tries to ask her father for help but is denied. Captain Flint’s not in a great financial place either, and his right hand man convinces him that the best way to stay literally afloat would be to pool resources with his rival Captain Vane (like a fun, pirate romcom where two mismatched dudes must bond against their will!) Jack (Captain Vane’s quartermaster who must try to make up for losing the 5000 pesos in pearls that accidentally tumbled into the ocean last week) convinces Vane that if he makes the deal with Flint, Eleanor might *like* like him again. Two fierce pirate ships banding together for one prosperous goal means Eleanor’s island will once again be out of peril! Little hearts nearly literally pop out of Vane’s eyes and he agrees. For the record, I like Quartermaster Jack and his enthusiastic mullet a whole lot. The deal goes well and everyone is happy! (For five seconds!)

Ah, but it turns out Max did not escape (because nobody can ever really be happy ever) and has been held captive as an abused sex slave for Captain Vane’s crew. Vane visits her and (semi-regretfully maybe?) insists that her actions required some sort of punishment. He asks why she ran away when Eleanor promised she’d protect her, and Max responds, “How did you feel when she threw you aside?” Vane’s like, ‘Good point,’ and decides to let Max escape that night on a boat. But because everything is the worst, as Jack tries to smuggle Max to safety they’re stopped by a bunch of burly pirates who demand to keep her around.

The deal went super well for Vane, cause Eleanor shows up in his tent and they have wild, devastating pirate sex.

The romantic mood is killed, however, when Eleanor hears Max shrieking outside. Eleanor runs out and beats the men who are assaulting Max with a stick, then demands that every man on Vane’s crew abandon him and join Flint’s crew instead, or they’ll never be able to utilize her island again. Is Eleanor sacrificing her precious island-saving deal for Max’s safety??

Too little too late apparently, cause when Eleanor apologizes and tearfully offers to help Max, Max tells her it wasn’t Vane that caused this, but Eleanor. I can’t figure out if we’re supposed to agree. Vane did let Max go, but he’s still pretty generally awful and kidnapped her in the first place. Either way, Max then walks to Vane and tells him that she will stay with him and what’s left of his crew until her debt from the pearls is paid.

Girl.

GIRL.

Oy, Max. Just when it seemed like there was a chance the giant cannon ball hole in the SS Maxeanor might be repaired you chose the most hellish situation because you were upset that your girlfriend basically told you she’d be okay with you getting tortured for information that might help run her business? Okay, I’ll admit nothing is hunky-dory about that sentence and there’s clearly a lot of conflicting emotions here, but I am weirdly upset for watching a Starz show about pirates on a peaceful Sunday afternoon.

After some contemplation, I’ve decided that perhaps Max is more comfortable staying with people she knows will hurt her than returning to someone she loved who hurt her anyway. Whatever the reason (and Lord knows why I thought about it so much), Black Sails has totally torn my heart out and stomped on it (and potentially caused me to lose several Twitter followers from all my ranting). Whether or not Maxeanor can be at all repaired remains to be probably not seen, but let’s not completely dismiss that look Anne Bonny gave Max when she announced she’d be staying with the crew. MaxBonny may very well be next week’s biggest, bestest upset. Until then let’s all just be miserable.