American Horror Story is back for round four and if the premiere is any indication, the stakes (and the epic weirdness factors) are higher than ever. But despite all the spooky scares, the premiere didn't take a lot of unexpected turns. Side not: I may spoil you now, so beware...
First, we meet Dot and Bette Tattler (Sarah Paulson as both, of course), conjoined twins who end up in the hospital after they and their stabbed-to-death mom are discovered by a particularly ballsy milk man. They're removed from the hospital by the eccentric Elsa (Jessica Lange), who runs the freak show in Jupiter, Florida and hopes that presenting the girls as her headlining act will revive their relevance and bring her wealth and fortune. The girls join in and are welcomed into the big family o' freaks, featuring Evan Peters as a boy with lobster/female orgasm inducing hands, Kathy Bates as the Bearded Woman, and a several more familiar faces from previous seasons. Just as things seem to be settling into place, a policeman comes to arrest Bette and Dot as suspects in their mother's murder. Lobster Boy's not into the freaks being taken advantage of, murders the police man, and then declares violent revenge on anyone who tries to hurt the group. There are also a ton of little budding subplots here and there, including Grace Gummer as a somewhat abducted candy striper and Frances Conroy and her bratty son as a rich, snobby pair with something sinister up their sleeves. Oh, yeah, and there's a horrifying clown running around Jupiter killing and abducting people and being altogether incredibly disturbing. But enough details! Here are the five lessons we learned from this week's freaky premiere:
1. Clowns are still freaking terrifying (and they're even more terrifying when they're holding little clowns): We all know Ryan Murphy and Co. strives to scare the bejeezus out of us, but they really knocked it out of the park with this dude. Literally all this clown does is run around making clown-related things look terrifying and then murdering people and locking their loved ones up in cages. Not a bucket of laughs, this guy. Another lesson to learn here here; if a horrifying clown monster comes up to you in a field with his face half peeled off, even if you think he means well, hit him with something large and effective and run the other way. Just run.
2. There will always be room for a musical number: Yes, AHS and Glee are spawned by the same creators, but for a ton of reasons they're completely different. However, when it comes to jamming out to a hit tune, these gleeks just can't resist. It took them mid-way through season 2 to given in to their musical fantasies, but this season Jessica Lange's tragically desperate superstar-wannabe opened the freak show with a captivating and glittery rendition of David Bowie's "Life on Mars." Was it completely necessary? Debatable. But now that a plot line involving Elsa's dreams of being a world famous singer has been revealed, it looks like there could be a lot more Bowie and blue eye shadow in our future. Trust us, we're not complaining. Yet.
3. Sarah Paulson is coming for that Emmy Nom: The Emmys liked her as one a tortured reporter in AHS: Asylum. They liked her as a tortured witch in AHS: Coven. Now, they're sure to love her as not one, but TWO tortured sisters who, though very different (Bette's a dreamer, Dot's a doubter) share a body and a pretty crappy situation in a freak show that will probably turn out to - ever so shockingly - not actually be their salvation. Oh, Sarah Paulson, there's really no one we watch suffer on cable more than you, but there's a bright and shiny award season on the horizon and you're surely going to snag the gold one day. Just keep suffering!
TWINS PIC
4. If you are happy for literally a second, your death is imminent: See this happy couple? Guess how well things went for them. Just guess.
5. It's only going to get a whole lot weirder: And a whole lot more chock-full of familiar faces. Emma Roberts as a fake fortune teller? Angela Bassett with three boobs? Denis O'Hare doing something involving a lab coat? Sign us up! We're in for a helluva ride this season so get on or run far, far away from that clown. Seriously, what is it about that clown screams 'great gift for your children?; Why is no one inherently afraid of this clown?!?
