All 17 Sex Scenes on Orange Is the New Black Ranked!

We may have to wait until June 6th for more Orange is the New Black to arrive on Netflix, but that doesn't mean we can't continue to enjoy what's already available to us! Throughout its two seasons, OITNB has gifted our lived with deep, layered characters, intensely passionately relationships, and lots of sex scenes. Like, a lot of sex scenes. And so in anticipation of season 3, we've ranked every single one of them using a system that takes into account the situation, the acts, and the sentimentality surrounding it all. Because why the hell not? 

Please note that this is an opinion-based piece, and thus we may not all agree on the exact order of the rankings. Additionally, scenes are only eligible if they involve actual sex or sex acts, meaning that make-out scenes - no matter how hot and bothered - will not be included (Unfortunately, that does mean that a lot of scenes involving Larry are eligible). And now, here are the good, the best, the bad, the totally uncomfortable, and the totally awesome sex scenes of Orange is the New Black!

Check out the updated version here: All 31 Orange Is the New Black Sex Scenes Ranked.

17.

Ep. 1.12 Fool Me Once - Daya and Pornstache get caught in the closet

Turn on: If it was possible to be anti-turned on, this is it.

Turn off: Everything. It’s a plan to get Pornstache caught and framed for Daya’s pregnancy, so it’s pretty much supposed to be one big turn-off. 

16.

Ep. 1.3 Lesbian Request Denied - Lonely Larry watches porn

Turn on: Nothing. So turned off.

Turn off: All things. 

15.

Ep. 1.1 Pilot - Piper and Larry make ‘Spank Bank Material’

Turn on: Pretty much absolutely nothing.

Turn off: The sex is too sad for even Piper and she leaves quickly to go cry in the bathroom. Granted, she’s also leaving for jail the next day, but we can also blame sex with Larry for this.

14.

Ep. 2.9 40 oz. of Furlough - Piper and Larry attempt furlough sex

Turn on: Piper’s tragic line delivery of, “Do not defend your boner to me right now” is pretty great.

Turn off: It’s another failed Piper/Larry sex scene. They always end in tears.

13.

Ep. 2.13 We Have Manners. We’re Polite. - Fig takes Caputo very seriously

Turn on: Nothing sexual at all, but it is rather entertaining when Fig takes Caputo’s angry offer to “Suck my dick!!” literally and is then surprised by his impressive package.

Turn off: As mentioned, nothing about this scene is a turn on. But we are still smirking about it.

12.

Ep. 1.4 Imaginary Enemies - Big Boo and the missing screwdriver:

Turn on: It’s nothing if not realistic. And creative, too.

Turn off: This just might not be everyone’s cup of TV tea. 

11.

Ep. 2.6 You Also Have a Pizza - Daya and Bennett get sexy on Valentine’s Day

Turn on: It’s a pretty standard sex scene. Short and sweet and sexual.

Turn off: Lots of people just don’t really care about Daya and Bennett. Also, after everything that went down last season with Pornstache to keep this relationship alive makes this moment disturbingly risky 

10.

Ep. 2.3 Hugs Can Be Deceiving - Nichols and whoever this is, part 1. 

Turn on: If seeing only the bottom half of people is your thing, you’re in for a treat.

Turn off: We really don’t see much, or even know who’s the other involved party. Also, Big Boo trying to instruct Nichols on her technique isn’t super sexy. 

9.

Ep. 1.6 WAC Pack - Daya gets to know ‘all of’ Bennett

Turn on: Daya’s very tender and loving about Bennett’s prosthetic; these two’s crushes on eachother have been pretty adorable at this point.

Turn off: This relationship is super illegal.

8.

Ep. 1.13 Can’t Fix Crazy - Nichols gives Alex her Christmas Present

Turn on: It’s tender and adorable, and also a cute pairing we hadn’t seen before. Plus, Nichols trying to be discreet with her posterboard is precious.

Turn off: We see far too little. 

7.

Ep. 1.1 Pilot - Nichols gets intimate with Morello in the Shower

Turn on: Their lack of care for whose watching; the fact that we’re pretty sure this is the cutest couple in the show; Morello totally looks like she’s having a great time.

Turn off: There’s something to be said for privacy. 

6.

Ep. 1.5 The Chickening - Nichols and Morello get it on the chapel

Turn on: There’s some lovely stained glass window lighting going on; yet another intensely realistic sex scene between these two.

Turn off: Morello shuts the relationship down right after she orgasms; Morello also makes sounds akin to a wind-up toy getting murdered, but all is forgiven in a holy place. 

5. 

Ep. 1.1 Pilot - Alex asks Piper to 'come' with her to Bali

Turn on: Piper’s sexy if slightly awkward striptease leads to the first official Alex/Piper hook-up we’ve been waiting for since we saw them making out in the shower. It does not disappoint. 

Turn off: Technically this is the start of a rendezvous that got Piper into a lot of trouble.

4.

 Ep. 2.3 Hugs Can Be Deceiving - Nichols and whoever this is Pt. 2

Turn On: Nichols has sex with a lot of characters on this show in a lot of graphic fashions, but no one seems to be getting the best end of this deal more than this girl, who's having such a great time that quieting down is basically not an option.

Turn off: We can't really find any, but we're sure the girl brushing her teeth in the same restroom can raise some concerns.

3.

Ep 2.4 A Whole Other Hole - Nichols and Soso visit the chapel

Turn on: Those chapel sex scenes are just really raising the bar here! Super naked, super sweaty chapel rendezvous that’s also pretty graphic? Yeah, we’re cool with it. Also, we finally see Nichols get some!

Turn off: Soso literally will not stop talking. That is, until Nichols gives her a little incentive (see the turn on section). 

2.

Ep. 2.10 Little Mustachioed Shit - Piper asks Alex to teach her how to go down on a girl

Turn on: It’s pretty much perfect from the moment the episode starts with the sound of Piper orgasming right up until...

Turn off: Piper gets punched in the face by Alex’s current girlfriend, who lives in the apartment. Whoops. 

1.

Ep. 2.6 You Also Have a Pizza - Poussey and her German GF fail perfectly at scissoring

Turn on: Nearly everything. After the scissoring fails (though completely adorable) Poussey shares some wise words of passionate love before trying something much more successful on her giggling and super lucky girlfriend. 

Turn off: They’re interrupted by Poussey’s girlfriend’s dad and literally everything is ruined. 

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