Being swept off your feet and showered with love and praise like you’re in a rom-com is many people’s dating fantasy. But what happens when the declarations of love and grand gestures are used as a manipulation tactic? That’s love bombing.
Telling the difference between the exciting rush of a new relationship where it’s all sex and affection vs love bombing can be tricky, especially for queer folks. The U-Haul lesbian is a silly — though sometimes accurate — stereotype, but while the joke is funny (thank you Lea DeLaria), speed running a relationship can actually be toxic when your partner is covertly trying to control you.
The term “love bombing” gets thrown around a lot these days, but it’s important to know what it is so you can look out for it in your own dating life because queer people can be more susceptible to falling for it.
To break it all down, we spoke with dating and relationship experts who explained what love bombing is, why it’s so emotionally unhealthy, and what signs you should look out for when dating.
What is love bombing?
Getty Images
If you’ve ever started dating someone and been overwhelmed with excessive affection, compliments, or pressure to become exclusive quickly, you may have fallen prey to love bombing.
This manipulation tactic can look like constant texting or calling, saying “I love you” very early in the relationship, showering you with gifts and compliments, pressuring you to commit right out of the gate, and intense affection. Making you feel as though you are emotional dependent on your partner and gaslighting you can also be part of love bombing.
“The reasons why people engage in this tactic will vary, but often, love bombing is used by those who have a fear of or aversion to abandonment and who want to prevent their partner from leaving,” Saba Harouni Lurie, a queer licensed marriage and family therapist, tells PRIDE. “It is also used as a tactic by those who consciously desire to manipulate and exert coercive control over their partner.”
Why is love bombing so effective?
Harouni Lurie says that love bombing works so well because “toxic relationships are frequently romanticized in mainstream media,” which has skewed our “perception of what love can look like.” These over-the-top gestures, which love bombers use to manipulate and control you and the relationship trajectory, are often portrayed as signs of intense passion or love in movies and TV shows. These types of relationships look enticing in a rom-com, but in reality, if things are moving that fast, it’s probably love bombing.
“People are attracted to the 'excitement' of these dynamics and are similarly conditioned to see fast-paced, ‘love at first sight’ relationships as not only normal but as evidence that the connection is more real or fated,” she explains.
Gay matchmaker Anthony Canapi agrees and says that when you are being love bombed, not only are you receiving the intense affection you may desire, but the chemicals in your brain make you crave more, even if it’s not good for you, because it mimics the feeling of true intimacy. “The intense positive attention from the love bomber can temporarily increase the match’s dopamine levels, creating a pleasurable, addictive feeling,” he says, “so instinctively, like all addictions, it makes the match want more of the intense affection, no matter how negative or toxic the manipulation tactics are.”
Love bombing is toxic
It’s unhealthy because the person being love-bombed has been controlled and manipulated to the point that they lose their independence, and their mental and emotional well-being suffers. It becomes particularly toxic when the love bomber becomes frustrated that their partner isn’t reciprocating, so they start to make them feel guilty until they show the love bomber the same kind of affection.
“Once satisfied, the love bomber abandons the match’s needs and reciprocation because they don’t need the affection, they’re already self-satisfied, why reciprocate it back? They only come back if they need that 'narcissistic gauge’ filled again,” says Canapi, who is also the founder & CEO of Best Man Matchmaking, a gay-run matchmaking service dedicated to helping professional LGBTQ+ singles find love.
Once the love bomber has you “hooked” and committed to the relationship, the dynamic often changes. Your new partner may emotionally withdraw from you, gaslight or manipulate you, begin to constantly criticize you, and attempt to isolate you from your friends and family. "This push-pull cycle keeps you off balance, questioning your worth, and craving the ‘high’ of the early attention—an emotional dependency that’s hard to break,” explains Dovie Lopez, a certified sexologist and founder of Born to Be Wild Lifestyle, which helps queer and straight women navigate intimacy, identity, love, and relationships.
10 signs you’re being love bombed
Peopleimages.com - Yuri A/ShutterstockYou should be wary if:
- The relationship starts intensely and suddenly.
- They push for a quick commitment.
- They try to take up all of your time.
- They make big promises but don’t follow through.
- They try to sweep you off your feet with excessive affection and compliments.
- They try to make you feel bad if you aren’t reciprocating.
- They isolate you from your support system, but then don’t respond when you reach out to them.
- They give you extravagant or frequent gifts.
- They try to convince you that you are soulmates early in the relationship.
- They call or text all day, and get angry when you don’t respond.
Love vs love bombing
oneinchounch/Shutterstock
But how do you tell the difference between an authentic connection that is moving a little fast and the manipulative behavior of someone who is love bombing you?
There may be an intense honeymoon phase in a healthy relationship, but love bombers will overwhelm you with affection and tokens of love, and are threatened by your independence. Love bombing isn’t about love; it’s about control. If the person you are dating is genuinely invested in your well-being, encourages you to do things that are good for you, and supports your relationships with other people in your life, then it’s probably a healthy relationship and not love bombing.
“If someone is falling in love, they show up consistently, honor your boundaries, and let the relationship grow organically,” Lopez says. “Love bombing feels like being swept up in a tidal wave — you don’t feel with the person, you feel swept away.”
Is love bombing more common in LGBTQ+ dating?
People in the LGBTQ+ community are uniquely susceptible to love bombing because they’ve often experienced rejection or trauma as a result of their identity, and so they gravitate toward people who make them feel secure in the relationship, even if that's through love bombing. They may have been living in the closet or in denial for so long that they are now seeking intense connection, which means that they may be more likely to inadvertently love bomb someone or be the victim of it.
Many LGBTQ+ people are also looking for deep, passionate, emotional relationships that build quickly, so they’re more likely to overlook red flags in their quest to find connection. It also doesn’t help that LGBTQ+ relationships aren’t talked about as openly or modeled as much in the media, so it can be tricky to know what a healthy queer relationship looks like.
“Because of our unique experiences as LGBTQIA+ individuals finding meaningful relationships, it can sometimes lead to intense bonding and a greater tendency towards love bombing,” Canapi says, which is why it’s “crucial to be aware of the red flags of love bombing, and to cultivate healthy relationship dynamics, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity.”
How do you get out of a relationship if you’re being love bombed?
Set healthy boundaries and stick to them. End the relationship and explain that you can’t be in contact (including on social media) with them right now because once the love bomber realizes they can’t manipulate you anymore the relationship is likely to self destruct or finally fizzle out.
Spend some time reconnecting with your normal routine. Did you used to go to brunch with friends every Sunday before you were swept up in this toxic relationship? Get back to that. You should also try to focus on hobbies and interests that bring you joy to get you back to feeling like yourself again.
And don’t forget to open up to someone you trust who can support you as you distance yourself from the person who love bombed you. You’ve just gone through a relationship where you were receiving intense affection so leaving that behind may make you feel lost or alone. Tough emotions may come up and you’ll need help navigating them, so don’t be afraid to reach out to friends and family who can help.
“Love bombing thrives in isolation, so it's important that you start spending more time with trusted friends or in environments that help you feel grounded,” Canapi explains.
