Full disclosure – we know virtually nothing about E.L. James’ 50 Shades of Grey -- except that it kind of sounds like a knock off of the ‘50s French erotic novel The Story of O meets 9 ½ Weeks. Other than that, all we know is that casting is finally done for the film, and diehard fans are PISSED! 50 Shades devotees are bemoaning the casting of Sons of Anarchy’s Charlie Hunnam as business magnate Christian Grey and Dakota Johnson (Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson’s daughter) as his pliable ingénue Anastasia Steele. It's the biggest uproar since Ben Affleck agreed to climb into the Bat suit. Fans are so outraged they’ve even started a petition to get the film recast.
Since we have no attachment to the outcome whatsoever we thought we’d recast the movie nine different ways as a lesbian genre film from the musical to a horror film. Here are some preliminary ideas for who should play "Christina" Grey and Ana Steele.
50 Shades of Harmonizing- The Musical
Starring Idina Menzel, diva of Wicked and Rent fame, and West end darling Samantha Barks (aka - the best thing about the big screen Les Mis). Can't you just hear the 50 Shades of Erotica showstopping number now?
50 One-Liners - The Romantic Comedy
Veteran funny lady Jane Lynch is the perfect Christina Grey while SNL's breakout performer Kate McKinnon makes for the perfect ingénue. It would be like Best in Show set in the BDSM world.
50 Shades of Dystopia - the Sci-fi Flick
Defiance's Julie Benz and Orphan Black's Tatiana Maslany are some of the current queens of sci-fi. Who better to play out BDSM games in a post-apocalytpic future?
50 Ways to Kick Ass - The Action Movie
Angela Bassett has been kicking ass since 1995's Strange Days and Scarlett Johansson is The Avengers' Black Widow -- Done!
50 Adorable Outfits for Running from an Omnicient Blackmailer in a Hooodie - The ABC Family Film
Pretty Little Liars' fans have been itching for a Spencer (Troian Bellisario) and Aria (Lucy Hale) pairing. What better way to get Team Sparia together than on the ABC Family TV Movie version of 50 Shades?
50 Ways to Discuss 'Englishness' - The Victorian Novel Version
Break out the petticoats and corsets and head for the Bronte sisters' moors. Kate Winslet and Emma Watson are are shoo-ins for the Victorian novel version of 50!
50 Uses for Soft Lighting, Jump Cuts, and Sub-Titles - The Foreign Language Film
Oscar Winner Penelope Cruz is director Pedro Almodovar's latest muse. Besides starring in English and Spanish language films, Penny also speaks a mean Italian. We're sure she speaks the language of 50 Shades well enough to pair her with Blue is the Warmest Color's Léa Seydoux.
50 Shades of the Final Girl - The Slasher Flick
Both Rose Byrne and Emma Roberts are darlings of the horror genre these days. Who better to play out Christina and Ana's power struggle while being stalked by a poltergeist than these two?
50 Shades of Mother May I Sleep with Danger? - The Lifetime Movie
Hot in Cleveland's Valerie Bertinelli cut her teeth on sitcoms before a stint on made for TV movies in the '90s (Two Mothers for Zachary anyone?). And Breaking the Girls' Agnes Bruckner has starred in her fair share of Lifetimies. If the stay-at-home set really wants a 50 Shades movie, this is the way to go!
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