Scroll To Top

Gossip Girl and Her Gay

Gossip Girl and Her Gay

This week, Ross and Tracy rip on Walmart shoppers, gush over Susan Lucci and A Christmas Carol remakes, fondly remember West Side Story, groan over Rosie Live and ponder Wanda Sykes' popularity now that she's an out and proud lesbian.

When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati? Senior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Editor-in-Chief Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along… especially when they’re getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.

This week, Ross and Tracy rip on Walmart shoppers, gush over Susan Lucci and A Christmas Carol remakes, fondly remember West Side Story, groan over the disaster of Rosie Live and ponder Wanda Sykes' popularity now that she's an out and proud lesbian.

RvM: Hi love. You ready to do this after drowning yourself in spiked egg nog and yams for three days?

TEG: Hey baby. I'm warning you. I'm only one and half cups of coffee in, so the crank hasn't worn off yet… I wish. Do you have any spiked egg nog?

RvM: I don’t... I just dump some bourbon in a glass, retreat to a corner and sing “Silver Bells” as I drift off to sleep.

TEG: Hahaha... Awww. Your girl Susan Lucci is on a Lifetime movie right now. Ebbie....

RvM: I love Ebbie... She works at some ghetto ass dept. store that sells Zales like jewelry and has one of those Santa’s who's on parole. And her skin looks flawless. That was right after she launched her skincare line, Youthful Essence.

TEG: Yes. She looks amazing. She's a modern day Ebenezer Scrooge with great pores.

RvM: That’s right. So should we just call a spade a spade and kick off with Rosie Live?

TEG: Oh Lord almighty. I wanted to find something redeeming. Really I did.

RvM: Well, Jane Krakowski was hot as always... but between Liza Minnelli looking like she mixed up her Boniva and NoDoz again and Gloria Estefan singing about turkey and frijoles for thanksgiving while queens dressed in tights and Macy’s day floats danced around her, I wanted to reach for a Dramamine and call it a night.

TEG: My half a bottle of Rioja with a codeine cough syrup chaser helped but yes, when Krakowski stripping to an iPhone giveaway is your showstopper, you're fucked! And what was with Alanis Morissette?

RvM: What was that shit? I felt like the producers from Oprah's greatest things showed up on the set of Live with Regis and Kelly and just decided the damage was done... bring it home!

TEG:Rosie O'Donnell was the first big "giver" on her show. Oprah stole that shit.

RvM: I know she was... she gave. And gave. And GAVE.

TEG: Yep... she's a giver. When you're as cantankerous as Ro you gotta bribe the audience. And the extended gay joke with the Gayken? : Yikes.

RvM: Still, I feel kinda bad for her. I want Rosie to succeed again, I really do. But that was not the way to do it. Yeah, I fast forwarded through that shit with Clay Aiken and had a second turkey leg to calm myself.

TEG: Haha. Maybe she needs real Variety Show stalwarts like Cher and Marie Osmond to help get that off the ground. And Mac Davis.

RvM: I don’t think the gays wanna see much of Marie anymore... Mormon that she is.

TEG: I wish she'd just drink a cup of fucking coffee to wash down her crazy and come out as a regular gay icon. 

RvM: Have you seen the "video footage" that you’re girl Lindsay Lohan is back on the bull juice, I take it?

TEG: Yes. Please. Like my friends at the Enquirer didn't give me that ages ago.

RvM: Inside Edition has photos of her making herself a little vodka, Red Bull chaser to tie one on this holiday season.

TEG: I know. But still, I think tangoing with Sam Ronson has calmed her down... even if she is still boozing. She hasn't wrapped her Benz around a fence on Sunset in over a year.

RvM: Yeah... I’m thinking maybe Sam Ro is a calming influence. now she just stuffs Lindsay in a duffle bag when she's done at the bar and rolls her out through the back.

TEG: Like a gayelle magician. I try to avoid her cuz I feel like I need a Purel wash after discussing her but Wino's Blake admitted he turned her on to the hard stuff. Ain't love grand.

RvM: Yeah... I cant handle Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil. seriously. It's kinda like when I watched the last season of Growing Pains, when they got desperate and brought in Leo Dicaprio to save the show. you know its going down like the Titanic, but you just hang in there to see how fast and hard it thuds.

TEG: Yeah... Poor Wino... even the hive isn't fun anymore. Moving on... Now the Looch is in her satin pjs in an elevator with a ghost in a business suit.

RvM: Hahaha. I might need to turn that on. I love a good retelling of A Christmas Carol. I don’t know which one I love more. Ebbie or the one where Vanessa Williams plays a disgruntled pop star… where Kathy Griffin is the Ghost of Christmas Present.

TEG: Too bad they didn't star in one together. The Looch and Williams going at it. Who'd win?

RvM: Hmmm. That’s a toughie. Williams probably has strength on her side, but when you lose an Emmy 17 times, you get scrappy quick.

TEG: Yeah the Looch would tear her eyes and weave out.

RvM: LOL. Hey, I know this is just ghetto but can we take a sec to talk about Walmart? I mean, really. What the fuck kind of society do we live in where you bust down the doors at Walmart to save six bucks on two-ply toilet paper?

More on next page...



TEG: I'm boycotting shopping at all this year. Fuck that. I’m going to be like the Lucci this year. A big Scrooge. Yeah. It’s sick. The same folks who can't make the payment on their GM vehicles or the trailer they bought with a shit housing loan. And on a big bag of Cheetos. Britney Spears' kin for sure.

RvM: Jesus, I know, right? So sad. My kids cant go to college... and lil Elizabeth might never get braces. but I got a Chevy Tahoe an spent $50,000 to make sure yo gay ass cant get married.

TEG: Touche!

RvM: btw…

TEG: Yes darling...

RvM: Had to share. On my way to San Diego Thursday.

TEG: Is this something dirty? You know I love that.

RvM: Big poster for Wanda Sykes in February at the Pala Casino. I wonder how those blue hair crowds are gonna play now that she's a certified lezzie?

TEG: Oooh, I don't know that fine establishment. You know I'm still a transplant. Is it like season's ticket holders at Angels in America?

RvM: Kinda... it’s one of those places just outside city limits where people sit for eight hours at a slot machine hoping to earn back their savings acct. and then, just when they can’t take any more, Wanda swoops in with a chuckle.

TEG: I'm sure Wanda won't hold back about her lezziedom. She doesn't seem like the type to tone it down and play to her audience. How many Metamucil jokes can a girl make?

RvM: I saw her in Orange County once and she made a lynching joke. I downed a rum and diet in one slug after that one. She was talking bout gays way back then… in 02.

TEG: And she survived in the OC? Thank goodness for security detail.

RvM: Amen. And armored Escalades.

TEG: Alright... so thank you for the invite to the second gayest night of my life.

RvM:West Side Story restored, featuring a special appearance from Bernardo, who at 72 looks like a cross between Barry Manilow and Della Reese.

TEG: He's still kind of hot. And he's an Oscar Winner. Have some respect for George Chakiris.

RvM: I do. He Seemed very nice. And very smart.

TEG: I wanted to ask him what it was like staring into Natalie Wood's big browns.

RvM: That movie is gay as hell though. My boyfriend looked like he wanted to pinch a tit and piss all over a toilet seat just to remind himself he has a dick.

TEG: Yes. Gang violence, racism and musical theater never made for the butchest night out.

RvM: Lol... I love how you gotta bring it down... only in musical theater can gang violence be tempered by a pirouette and a well placed pastel blouse.

TEG: Hahaha... When Rita Moreno is the butchest thing on screen, you're in big trouble.

RvM: She was amazing. I forgot how good she is in that. That bitch can kick.

TEG: I know. I kept wishing she and Nat Wood would make out. She is good.

RvM: You know I came home and googled all those bitches. Grizalba or whatever Riff's gf's name is became a costumer. She has an Emmy.

TEG:Graciela Daniele. I told you my cat did not appreciate my rendition of "A Boy Like That" as I spun him around the kitchen and kicked my slippers off.

RvM: That’s ok. I got home and sang "I Fell Pretty" til the 91-year-old former talent manager Ann from next door came to the screen in her walker and told me she'd heard better.

TEG: Hahaha. That makes me think of Joey.

RvM: Yes

RvM: Estelle.

TEG: Haha. I love that you know that. I wonder if the producers of Friends realized that 10 years later the only people watching would be homos and 45 year old women in kitten sweatshirts.

RvM: Which one are you?

TEG: Fuck you.

RvM: I'm hoping mo.

TEG: I'm a Mo.

RvM: Good girl. A ho----mo. Darling, don’t kill me, but on that note, I need to splash some cold water on my face and hit lunch with the bf. I'm doing east side story today.

TEG: In Silverlake. That is east side. And rub it in why don't you? You're an active mo and I'm on the couch with my pussy.

RvM: Lol. Love ya.

TEG: Okay. Ciao. See you at the office. The sweatshop.

Miss the last "Gossip Girl"? Read it here.

Banner Image OneOut Magazine - Fellow Travelers

From our Sponsors

Most Popular

Latest Stories