How I Knew I Needed to Give Up on the Person I Loved

My ex and I dated for nearly a year, and to the day we broke up, we were madly in love. We only wanted the best for each other and on paper, we seemed like the perfect pair. Our communication skills were a marriage counselor's wet dream. We calmly voiced our needs and did our best not to stew in feelings of hatred, jealousy, or neglect. We never said “agree to disagree” and would always come to some form of resolution that made both of us happy. We did our best to accept each other’s flaws and praise each other’s strengths.

Our sex life was fabulous, but both of us being bisexual (and she trans), young (22 and 23), and sexually active with multiple partners of various genders beforehand, we’d check in once a month to see if our sexual needs were satisfied. To be honest, we weren’t sure at the time if all of our sexual needs could be met by one person. That had less to do with being bi and more to do with the fact that both of us are better equipped to be polyamorous (which I discovered after dating her). We’d make each other laugh nonstop, and our cuddle game was on point. We had nothing but unconditional acceptance and love for one another.

Despite the fact that we were doing everything right, I was deeply unhappy. In fact, I was an anxious mess for the majority of our relationship. However, during it, it was tough to see how consumed by the relationship I was, and how unhealthy it was for me.

Now eight months after we broke up, I’ve had some time to think about my relationship. I understand how I knew I needed to give up on the person I loved. Hindsight always being 20/20, we probably should've dated for a few months and gone our separate ways. Looking back on the relationship, I can’t tell you how much I’ve learned from our time together. 

So here are six ways you know you need to give up on the person you love. One, by itself, isn’t enough, but if you’re experiencing multiple of these reasons, it might be time to let go.

1. When you consistently doubt your relationship

At times, we all question whether or not we should be with our partners. This is healthy and natural, but when that suspicious inkling keeps nagging at you, and you question whether you should be with your partner every day, you know you have a problem.  

2. When you have the same talks repeatedly

Problems always come up in relationships, and it’s important to work through whatever issues you and your partner have. But if you’re having the same talk over the same issue repeatedly, that’s not a good sign. It could signify that there are some fundamental, unresolvable differences between you and him/her.

3 When you’re not growing as a person

When you’re in the thick of your relationship, it’s often difficult to answer the question, “Am I growing as a person?” What does it even mean to “grow as a person?” It sounds like a phrase Deepak Chopra would say. I’ve taken the phrase “growing as a person” to mean if we’re being challenged in new ways that allow us to change our perspective on others, the world, and ourselves. Relationships will challenge you, but are the challenges evolving? Have you learned to be more forgiving or empathetic or to work harder (or less hard)? Have you changed your belief about relationships or how the world works? Have your priorities in life shifted? If you can answer these questions with a firm yes, then you’re growing as a person. If not, it may be time to reconsider your relationship.

4. When the relationship feels exhausting

Relationships take work, but they shouldn’t feel exhausting. Every talk shouldn’t seem like a huge deal, and at the end of it, you shouldn’t want to flip out. 

5. When you ask yourself, “Is it scarier to never see this person again, or be with them for the rest of my life?” and pick the latter.

My sister-in-law asked me this question when I was thinking about breaking up with my now-ex. Immediately, I knew “being with them for the rest of my life” was much scarier. By itself, this question isn’t enough for you to break up with your partner, but it does provide needed perspective.

6. When someone you trust tells you your relationship is unhealthy

You can’t underestimate the power of friends and family members. Most friends don’t feel comfortable saying, “He isn’t right for you!” They feel it isn’t their place. If you’re lucky to have a friend who’s direct, and you trust them, then you should consider their words strongly. Our closest friends and family members often know us better than we do. In a relationship, it’s not hard to lose sight of who we are, but family and friends can help remind us and keep us grounded.