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How to Find a Boyfriend When You’re Completely Over Dating

How to Find a Boyfriend When You’re Completely Over Dating

How to Find a Boyfriend When You’re Completely Over Dating

So you want a man, but the thought of going on another first date makes you want to puke. These 6 steps will help you solve the ultimate dilemma.

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Photo: Felix Russell-Saw

I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you this, but dating can be the absolutely worst. After dozens of dates, all the men start blurring together into one mediocre blob. You’ve spent absurds amounts of money that you shouldn't be spending. You’ve gotten your hopes up only to be let down instantly upon meeting him. You’ve spent hours on dating apps trying to find Mr. Right, and you haven’t even found a Mr. Okay. (There was that one guy you had a few dates with, and you kind of liked him, but he randomly stopped responding to your texts after the third date.)

Dating is exhausting, and often feels like a full-time job. While you want to be over dating completely, you simply can’t. You want a man too badly, and you’re tired of going to bed alone.

So here are 6 steps to help you date, when you want to find a boyfriend, but you’re totally over dating.

1. Stop going on dates for a couple of weeks

Don’t throw in the towel for good (because you’re never going to find a boyfriend if you’re not willing to go out and meet men), but do take that much needed break from online dating. Don’t go on Tinder. Don’t hop on Grindr. Don’t update your OkCupid profile. Just take two weeks to yourself, pretending that you’re the only guy left on the planet.

2. See some friends

Odds are, if you’ve been in date mode, you’ve probably neglected seeing your friends. If not neglected, you’ve definitely turned down some of their invitations to hang out because you had a first date. Of course, you’re allowed to turn down friends for a date, but if you’ve been doing it often, they probably feel secondary. Go out with them. Remember what it’s like to have a night out on the town without the goal being to find a partner. Remember what it’s like chilling in your apartment, drinking wine with best buds.

3. Get some sleep

Have you been wearing yourself thin with dates lined up during the week? When’s the last time you got a good night's sleep? You might not realize it, but it’s probably been a while. Go get some sleep. Rejuvenate yourself. Do some self-care.

4. Have some NSA, casual hookups

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Please don’t freak out. If you’re someone who’s vehemently opposed to casual sex, then obviously don’t do it (you know yourself better than anyone). But sometimes, all it takes is having a guy in bed with you to cheer you up. Yes, it’s a temporary fix, and yes, you can easily become addicted to casual sex, but just because you don’t have boyfriend doesn’t mean you have to refrain from sex. The key is going into these encounters with no expectations of commitment. Don’t secretly want the guy to be your boyfriend and then hope he’ll fall in love with you after you hook up. Who knows? Something may start casually and become more serious, but that’s not the goal. The goal is to have a release and some body contact to remind you that all men aren’t the worst.

5. Start dating again when you’re refreshed

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The desire to be actively dating comes and goes in waves. You can’t force it, but after a few weeks of self-care, hanging out with friends, and casual sex, you might be willing to go on a few dates. The key to dating is having the right mindset. If you’re in a crummy mood and completely over dating but still going on dates, you’re wasting both his and your time. Because even if Mr. Right is sitting directly in front of you, you won't be able to recognize it.   

6. Pre-screen with a Facetime date

I started doing this, and I was shocked by how well it worked out. This way, you don’t waste your time. One night, while you’re lying in bed and texting him, ask to Facetime. You’ll look terrible and so will he, but that’s kind of the point. It’s like having a first date without going anywhere. And if it goes well, you’ll be excited about seeing him in person. If it goes poorly, who cares? You didn’t waste any serious time. You didn’t even leave your bed.

30 Years of Out100Out / Advocate Magazine - Jonathan Groff and Wayne Brady

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Zachary Zane

Zachary Zane is a writer, YouTube influencer, and activist whose work focuses on (bi)sexuality, gender, dating, relationships, and identity politics. Check out his YouTube channel here.

Zachary Zane is a writer, YouTube influencer, and activist whose work focuses on (bi)sexuality, gender, dating, relationships, and identity politics. Check out his YouTube channel here.