Until men can start seeing nuance in sexism and their privilege, it's going to take a long time to dismantle patriarchy. Here's six things I didn't realize about masculinity and misogyny before I transitioned:
1.) Masculine thoughts constrict men's behavior
Instead of challenging the old structures of the gender binary, men tend to think a lot of the things that control their actions.
Masculine folks have a tendency to think that when they are amongst each other and away from femme folks, they need to prove things to one another, and that means can talk poorly about femme folks in dehumanizing ways. Some men think that they own their partners and sometimes get possessive of them (they can even get possessive of one another in their friendships). Masculine folks think they need to have the affection and attention of a lover to be worthy. Other men often congratulate me because my girlfriend is beautiful. I'm just like, "I had nothing to do with that." Thank her parents or something? Most men believe there is something wrong with their penis size (cis or not).
The list of thoughts that constrict masculine people goes on and on and on...
2.) Men have work privilege
So long as I present masculine, serious, and not "too soft/sensitive," it’s felt easier to find work (especially when the person doing the hiring is also white guy.) If the hiring person is a woman, I am also a good candidate in their eyes when I let my guard down and allow myself to be vulnerable. It’s kind of a win-win situation for trans guys, which is pretty messed up, honestly. It was not this way before I transitioned. I constantly had to push myself to be direct and boisterous even when it didn't feel appropriate. I had to find a way to be not too masculine but also not too feminine.
When working in the service industry, I got treated better by customers as a man too. People didn’t grab me or comment on my body nearly as often as when I was presenting as female.
3.) Men have to "act like a man"
Another trans male friend of mine and I just talked about how much we love children and babies. However, after we started to transition, we quickly realized it was viewed as “weird” or unsafe to approach children, play with kids, or talk to moms about how cute their kids are. People respond to that in a hostile way. Which is understandable, but it can make you feel isolated and like you need to conform to unjust, "masculine" standards. There are all kinds of ways the I've felt pushed to "act more like a man." In certain spaces, I change my walk and body language to come off a "more masculine." Some men (gay and straight) have tried to pressure me into using sexist or oppressive language against women when they aren't present, but I will not subscribe to that kind of behavior or thinking.
4.) It's hard to get men to acknowledge rape culture
When I identified as female, I felt like I was supposed to keep rape from happening to me. Be careful of where I walk. Be careful of who I spend time alone with. Never leave my drinks unattended.While I still do have fears of sexual assault in areas where being out could lead to violence, I (for the most part) I don’t fear being raped nearly as often as I once did. I also can’t seem to get many men to discuss rape, how not to rape, and so forth. Which, I really thought would be easier as a man. Even with things like the Brock Turner case, I still don't see men addressing rape.
5.) Sex caters to men
Most porn is made for people like me, but I tend to hate porn made for men. I usually search for stuff using keywords like "romantic" or "love-making," which is code for "feminine porn." I didn’t really watch porn pre-transition. I quickly realized most of it is made to solely please and inflate the egos of tops/men.
In terms of real life sex, I’ve noticed that many female lovers I’ve taken are afraid to top. I have to explicitly ask for specific sex acts, which many of them have described to me as foreign. Not because they didn’t want to experience them, but because all other men they have been with wouldn’t allow it. While men, can ask for whatever they want.
6.) Expectations for gender presentation are oppressive for everyone
One of the things I realized post-transition was that I can have body hair without getting any strange looks. I can also have no body hair in certain places without getting weird looks. I can take my shirt off without anyone verbally assaulting me, covering the eyes of a child, or policing my body. Men can dress down and not put much effort into their clothing or hair, but if women do this, then they are viewed as less attractive and like they "are not trying hard enough." Trying hard enough for who? The dudes with neck beards in cargo shorts?
I used to play around with my gender more, but currently, I feel too sensitive for the judgment I receive when I do that. I really like nail polish and tight fitting clothes. I love low cut tops that hang from my shoulders. I wear these things a lot behind closed doors, nut not out in public as much because it doesn’t feel like I must dress this way to be happy. I feel like I am not “allowed” to wear them around most other men. I've also fallen victim to the "thinking" and insecurities of being masculine.
