8 Steps to Help You Get Over Your Jealousy

Queer men and women can be a jealous bunch. And while jealousy is natural and occurs in pretty much everybody, it doesn’t take away from the fact it’s a gross feeling. Jealousy is a toxic, all-consuming emotion that has the capability to drive us mad. It can break up even the most compatible of couples. So don’t let your jealousy get the best of you. Like every other emotion, jealousy has a time and a place, and doesn’t necessarily need to manifest itself poorly.

Here are some steps to help you better understand, explore, and finally, overcome your jealousy.

Step 1: Explore what does and doesn’t make you jealous

There are different types of jealousy. Do you get jealous only of exes? Do you get jealous of new people he meets? Do you get jealous that he spends time with his friends instead of you? Do you get jealous only when he touches other men? Do you get jealous when he’s flirty with other men? When he laughs at other guys’ jokes? While all of these things can cause jealousy, these types of jealousy are different. Being jealous of past lovers is very different that being jealous of new, random guys he meets. It’s important to know what type of jealousy you have, in order to best attack it.

Step 2: Ask yourself why you feel jealous

Delve into your thoughts and fears. You’re afraid he’s going to cheat on you? You’re afraid he’s going to leave? You’re insecure? You don’t think you’re worthy of love? You’ve been cheated on before and now don’t trust men? What is the root of your jealousy?

Step 3: Ask why again

Don’t stop after asking “Why?” once. If the first answer is, “Yes, I’m afraid he’s going to cheat on me,” again ask why. Why is that bad? It may sound obvious, but keep going. You’re afraid you’ll be heartbroken. You’re afraid you’ll never move on and find someone as good as him.

Step 4: Face the root

Hopefully through asking why repeatedly you’ve come to some of the roots of your jealousy. You find your self-worth in humor, so when he’s laughing at another man’s jokes and not yours, you get jealous. You’ve cheated on men in the past and since you don’t trust yourself, you can’t trust him. You’ve never been able to be “just friends” with your exes, so you're skeptical of his platonic relationship with his exes.

Step 5: Tell him everything

Now that you know the roots of your jealousy, here’s the hard part: Telling him ... everything. You need to be vulnerable and completely upfront. Tell him why you feel the way you do. Emotional vulnerability is one of the, if not the most difficult things a person can do in a relationship, but it’s also necessary for a relationship to thrive.

Step 6: Ask for help

You’re not going to be able to kick this bad habit alone. You’re going to need to talk it through with him. And in the beginning, it’s going to be a lot. Let him know that you’re going to need his help in order to rid yourself of toxic jealousy once and for all.

Step 7: Ask instead of stewing 

Your imagination can be your worst enemy. Every time you see him get a text, and smile, don’t assume the worst. Ask him what it was. Don’t have an accusatory tone, but if you ask respectfully, it’s okay. If he says, “Oh, it’s nothing,” tell him you want to know, otherwise you’re going to worry. Yes, this puts an additional burden on him, and he might get a little annoyed, but that’s what it’s going to take, especially in the beginning, for you to trust him and get over your jealousy.

Step 8: Don’t let your jealousy lead to anger, accusations, or rash judgments

When you find yourself getting jealous, you need to approach it as level-headed as possible, which is not an easy task. Jealousy makes us see red, and can make us think irrational and aggressive thoughts. That’s when trouble starts brewing. It’s mildly irritating to have a jealous boyfriend who needs to be reassured at times. On the other hand, it’s infuriating, and an absolute deal breaker, to have a jealous boyfriend who lashes out after feeling the smallest bit of jealousy.

You got this. Be emotional. Be vulnerable. Be honest. And get rid of that jealousy.