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Ah, coupledom. I’m not currently plagued by the proverbial ball and chain, but my also gay twin sister has finally met a normal one and is perfectly paired off.
*slow clap*
It’s sickening, or at least it was at first.
But a few months passed, and I am thrilled to share some of their ridiculous arguments I overheard, about things that I swear only same-sex couples could argue about.
1. Clothes Stealing
Twinny: “You’re wearing my shirt.”
Girlfriend: “I am. Fetching isn’t it?”
Twinny: “Yes. But I was going to wear it. So *fetch* it here for me, won’t you?”
Apparently, I’m not the only one stealing Twinny’s stuff (Millie, if you’re reading this, yes I have your SuperDry Jumper)
Clothes stealing arguments are unique to same-sex couples. I mean surely one of the perks of having a girlfriend is so you can double your wardrobe. Apparently not. Which brings me to ...
2. Accidental Outfit Coordination
Twinny: “Please change.” (They were wearing the same jeans)
Girlfriend: “But why me? I was ready first, why don’t YOU change?”
Twinny: “That’s exactly why. It will take me longer to re-think an outfit and we’ll be late. So quickly now … Otherwise we’re going to look like a 90s girl band that lost some members.”
When you spend a lot of time together, you sync up in many ways, and apparently your taste in clothes is one of them. When Twinny and me and matched as toddlers it was cute. Doing it in your twenties with your girlfriend isn’t.
*You may be cool. But you’ll never be as cool as me and Twinny in matching liquorice jumpers*
3. The Ex Off
A sore subject. The whole lez-be-friends phenomenon enabled the lesbian community to remain within punching distance of their exes (slightly dangerous) and it’s thoroughly stressful. But when you have a new girl, you can’t really ask them to cut people out of their life without seeming a bit psycho. Luckily, Twinny had a sneaky solution …
Twinny - “Does being around [Twinny’s ex] bother you, babe?”
Girlfriend – “Yeah, sorta.” *confused face*
Twinny – “OK, well let’s just stay away from both [Twinny’s ex] and [Girlfriends ex] then. I can do that for you.” *smug face*
You have to hand it to her; my sister is a clever, clever woman. And possibly a sociopath.
4. The Cosmetic Clearance
My sister happens to invest a terrifying amount of money into hair products. Something about anti-sulfates and rosemary oil. She makes her own hair masks, which I am banned from using. Her girlfriend, however, wasn’t aware of this rule.
Me: “Uh, is it just me or is your girlfriend’s hair looking particularly shiny and manageable lately?”
Twinny: *Peers over* “You know, it does doesn’t it?”
*Girlfriend sits down*
Twinny: “Babe, have you been using my conditioner?”
Girlfriend: “I don’t think so?” *guilty face*
Me: “Is that rosemary I smell?”
And that’s the story of why they now have separate bathroom cabinets. With locks.
5. Pet Problems
Cat people vs. Dog people are never going to work. No dialogue necessary, if you’re a cat person you’re not going to date someone with a Golden Retriever. Vice versa, dog people don’t care about the hundred pictures you have of your feline friend sitting in a box.
Another version of this is trying to combine households. I have two cats (and counting) and so when I recently dated someone who also had two cats, it was doomed from the start. I can hear the neighbors now ...
“Have you met the new lesbian couple that just moved in? They have four cats…”
I’m not doing that to myself. Or my neighbors. Or those cats.
About the Author: E J Rosetta is an LGBT Columnist and coffee addict living in Hampshire with her spoiled cat, Hendricks. More ramblings can be found on Facebook or via Twitter @EJRosetta
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