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The Persuasive Pundit: Vote Your Ass Off!

The Persuasive Pundit: Vote Your Ass Off!

'I’m not votin’. My vote don’t count!' I threw my dogs chew toy at the television. Where in the hell did they find this toothless genius to tout his silliness on television for everyone to see asks comic and writer Gloria Bigelow.

“I’m not votin’. My vote don’t count!” I threw my dogs chew toy at the television. Where in the hell did they find this toothless genius to tout his silliness on television for everyone to see?

I wondered -- where do they find these people? What rock did he crawl out from under? What the hell was he talking about -- He’s not going to vote! If I could have, I would have reached through the T.V. screen and grabbed him by his throat and shook him till all of his teeth rattled and fell out -- maybe someone had already beat me to it -- I could have chocked it up as the ramblings of one crazy man, but unfortunately, he’s not the only one who feels this way, so I gotta vote my ass off on Tuesday.

I mean really -- I am going to vote my ass off! Not sure what that looks like exactly, but it came to me when I woke up, still mildly intoxicated from the night before. I must have drunk my ass off last night. I put my feet on the ground -- and my feet were killing me. I must have danced my ass off too -- so intoxicated as I still was -- I found myself somehow so inspired by the ramblings of the toothless lunatic that I started digging for my voter registration card in anticipation of the upcoming presidential election on Tuesday.

With the news of the latest polls in the background, I heard pundit mumblings of their projected outcome in hotly contested Florida. Immediately, I was transported back to the circus of 2000.

I remember being glued to the television set while watching the unraveling of democracy taking place in Florida. Crushed by the disaster and dishonesty of it all I contemplated for a minute the importance of voting and the inequality of the system. I’m sure back then I uttered or hollered, “This is some bullshit! And what’s the point in voting?” The truth of the matter is that the system can be disheartening, challenging, and downright vile some days but not participating is not an option. Democracy works best when we all have a say.

My say:

Even the toothless genius deserves health insurance. I’ll also say that all social programs aren’t an awful idea or always a move toward socialism and that Republicans like Eisenhower expanded social security because he knew that some social programs are integral to the health and well being of its citizens.

I will get to the polls to say that I don’t know about all of that “drill baby drill” stuff and I want to leave a better planet for the future. I’ll say that we need to invest in green jobs and the ingenuity of Americans. I’ll give a damn on Tuesday about the women and men from Iraq and their safe and timely return home. I’ll also have a whole lot to say about DOMA and my reproductive rights and the Supreme Court.

And honestly, I may find myself a little impatient on Election Day. Standing in line for five hours doesn’t exactly seem like an ideal way to spend my time. But I’ve waited four years to vote, so five hours seems pretty nominal.

And hopefully a news camera will find me afterward with my gap-tooth grin, and I’ll say, “I voted. My vote counts.” And when I wake up Wednesday morning -- I may be a little hung over -- but hopefully it will be in celebration of voting and celebrating my ass off the night before.

What say you and your teeth?

Miss the last "Persuasive Pundit"? Read it here.

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Gloria Bigelow