So your girlfriend is great, everything between you has been going well, and you're thinking about maybe taking a deep breath and getting a place together. It's a big step, but if you talk these things through and make sure you're in agreement, your chances are pretty good.
1. Do we actually want to?
5. Is our shared home somewhere to entertain people or somewhere to retreat from people to? In what proportions?
Even if you share friends, this one is likely to be tricky. One partner is often more sociable than the other - in my couple, it's DEFINITELY me - and if you're living together there isn't an option for the less outgoing person to hide in their own apartment while you have late drunken conversations with your besties. It'll be awkward, especially if they're mutual friends. It's worth talking beforehand about how much your shared space can be used for socialising and how comfortable you both are with not being involved with other people's gatherings. There is no bigger recipe for tension than one person feeling constantly invaded whilst the other feels frustrated at being unable to socialise as they consider 'normal' - and if you talk about it ahead of time, you can reach a compromise. Maybe a monthly gathering at which both of you are present? Or socialising while one person has a regular commitment elsewhere?
6. Is showering/bathing/tooth-brushing/shaving intensely private or a social occasion?
We've all seen Girls, where Hannah and Marnie have all their important conversations with Hannah in the bath. But actually, this is crucial to the health and comfort of you both - if one of you hates having your grooming rituals watched it's vital that the other respects that. Even if your feelings change over time, it's best to discuss that as and when rather than forcing the issue. Living with your boundaries being repeatedly crossed is profoundly uncomfortable - but it's hard to know if that's happening without talking about it. Neither of you can be sure what the other person's feelings are unless you let them tell you!
7. What do "clean" and "tidy" mean? How important is this?
Oooh, this is a tricky one. It's imprtant to make sure you're on the same page as regards your living conditions. If you have vastly differing standards, it might be best to just split up the rooms somehow - Person A keeps the kitchen and bathroom as clean as they need them to be, with Person B's *freely given* help, while Person A lets Person B leave the living room untidy without complaining. (Separate bedrooms really help with this one). By all means have agreed minimum standards - definitely eliminate anything unhygienic or likely to cause infestation unless you're REALLY SURE you're happy to have a houseful of mice along for the ride - but allowing one person to dictate terms in all situations if the other is unhappy about it is a recipe for resentment and grumbling.
8) Do we have shared finances and how are they organized?
Money is one of the big things couples argue about, and moving in together often means sharing rent and bills ad daily expenditure for the first time. It's really, really important to sort out how this might work, particular if you have different income levels (or interpretations of the phrase 'basic household necessities'). If she earns more than you, do you divide the bills equally or proportionally? If so, does she usually pay for fun stuff if you have no money left? Or does the better-off partner pay the rent and the other partner the bills, or vice versa?
9. How many books/records should be in a home?
You might have an idea about this already, from the state of your separate living quarters, but if she's a minimalist and you have 3,000 books and several racks of limited-edition vinyl, you probably need to figure out how to combine those two things BEFORE you're fighting over packing boxes. Again, separate bedrooms/studies really help here, or having enough space for you to set up a library, or at least have a room each to decorate as you please. But if that's not possible, maybe creating an ordered storage system might help the minimalist person deal with the sheer amount of stuff?
10. Food
If you're living together, who cooks, if anyone? Do you take it in turns? Who does the washing up? How often do you eat out/order in, and if so, where? Who pays? What if one of you is a vegetarian and the other a carnivore? Who needs regular meals and who can just graze? These things become vital to the harmony of cohabiting households, so talk it through beforehand and you stand a much better chance of nobody getting hangry and rampaging with crockery.
11. The Future
Ah, the big stuff. If you move in together, what does that mean for The Future? How permanent an arragement is this likely to be? What about moving for work or family? What about your mutual life ambitions? How much time and attention and relocation might they need, and what might happen if they conflict? Does one of you have a job that travels better than the other? What about things like marriage and kids? What are your priorities? You're by no means obliged to decide all this before you cross the threshold, but it's worth bearing in mind that moving in together brings these questions hovering on the horizon. Sooner or later one of you will get a job offer or somebody will start asking arch questions, and if you know how you feel about them it'll be that much easier to deal with.
Many thanks especially to Sharon Frederick for their wisdom on this matter. I am also massively indebted to Toni for not only living through many of these issues with me and retaining a sense of humour, but also being good and kind and willing to browse the internet for OITNB stills whilst I type despairingly.
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