16 Sex Tips for Lazy-Ass Tops

16 Sex Tips for Lazy-Ass Tops

So you think you can be lazy just because you’re a top? You think tops are in THAT high demand? Okay, well, you’re kinda right, but still! There's no excuse to be lazy in bed!

I feel like so many tops know that sexy bottoms are a dime a dozen, whereas a top who actually knows what he’s doing is hard to come by, so tops can often get away with murder. They orgasm in seconds and then proceed to roll over and pass out. NO. It’s 2018, THE YEAR OF THE BOSSY BOTTOM. So here’s some motivation and tips for lazy-ass tops to get their act together. (‘Cause bottoms will no longer be tolerating mediocrity in 2018!)

1. Don’t falsely advertise

If you’re meeting a guy through a gay sex app, don’t say you’re 8 inches if you’re actually 5. It’s like, we know...we see it. We will know you were lying, and we will hate you for it. When I top, I lie about my size saying it’s an inch smaller, so that way when they see me drop my pants they are pleasantly surprised!

2. Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay

Unless we say we want a quickie or we’re on a strict time schedule, then you should take your damn time. Tease us. Rub your peen up against our cheeks before thrusting in. Make out with us. Finger us. Suck on our nips. Need I go on?

3. Ask him how he likes to start

Some bottoms like to start on top (cowboy) because that way it’s easier to control the speed at which you enter. Others, like myself (and I believe we’d be in the minority), like to start on our stomachs. Most, I would say, like to start on their back, with you slowly working your way inside of them. Maybe giving them a little kiss or two as you do.

4. Eat his ass

I remember when I first came out and thought this was SUPER weird and kinky. It’s not. It’s just hot. I’d be willing to bet the bottom is into it (though you should obviously ask first).

5. Lube it on up

The old spit shine ain’t gonna cut it in 2018. Where’s your lube at? By the time we’re done, we should be able to iceskate on the floor. THAT’s how much lube I want you using.

6. Don’t just enter without having a safe sex talk

I live in NYC, where a number of men haven’t seen a condom in years (due to PrEP). Nevertheless, you should always ask the bottom what he wants to do before having sex. (PrEP doesn’t protect you from any other STIs besides HIV.) You should also disclose your status and let him know if you’re on PrEP. I find it so annoying when, without saying anything, he attempts to ram in it. Slow down there, cowboy.

7. Have the condoms and lube

This is somewhat patriarchal, in a sense, that the top, or the person in the more “masculine” position should have the condoms. I’m not trying to support that notion. I’m just trying to support you having safe sex and many bottoms expect the top to have condoms. It would suck if you guys couldn’t have sex because you weren’t prepared.

8. Touch his other parts while having sex

There are tops out there who literally just focus on the actual anal insertion. You boys need to learn how to multitask. You should be able to make out with us, rub our chests, suck on our nips, and/or do something else while you’re penetrating us.

9. Do the old reach-around

If you’re doing doggy, position yourself in a way where you can jerk him off too. This requires some finesse, I’m aware. But come on! You can figure it out! Or at least when he’s on his back, you jerk him off. You have no excuse not to do that.

10. Switch-up the positions

You know there are more positions that doggy, right? Doggy feels great, do NOT get me wrong, but it’s time we explore a little more.

11. Make out

KISS US. We want your lips on our lips if you have a pretty face. Stick your tongue down our throats. Swirl it around in our mouths. DO IT.

12. Don’t cum quickly

I’m going to go off on a limb and say you’ve jerked off thousands of times in your life. You know what it feels like if you’re about to orgasm. Slow down and pull out if you’re about to shoot the gun prematurely. We rather you go slower and last longer than go faster and last shorter.

13. If you do ejaculate prematurely, wait for your refractory period to be up and go at it again

Okay, sometimes we get too turned on and can’t control our orgasm. I’ve been there. You’ve been there. We’ve all been there. If that happens and you do orgasm quickly, then wait for your refractory period to be up and go at it again. This time you should be able to last a little (or lot) longer.

14. Don’t only power drill

Power drilling is great. Love it. Live for it. Bing. Bang. Boom. But you should really be switching up speeds along with positions. Slow and deep can be great too. Get up IN there.

15. Help him finish

We’re glad you came. Seriously, we are. But (many times) we would like to finish too. So before you roll over and pass out, how about lending us a helping hand (literally)?

16. Don’t rush on out immediately after

Don’t try to spend the night unless that’s the arrangement (and/or you boys are really feeling each other), but at the same time, you don’t need to rush out immediately once sex is over.

Stay a little. Cuddle and snuggle on up with us.