Our sex drive is based off a number of factors: Stress, medication, hormonal changes, environmental circumstances, and fatigue, just to name a few. Because of this, our libido ebbs and flows -- often quicker than we’re even aware of. There are times when all we can think about is d*ck, and we can never get enough. Then there are the times when sex has absolutely no appeal, regardless of the guy you’re sleeping with. In fact, having sex sounds as appealing as doing a load of laundry.
Inevitably, at some point in your relationship, you and your partner’s sex drives will not be on the same page. Often, this happens after the honeymoon period, six or so months into dating. However, sometimes it takes years for a sexual dry spell with your partner to blow across your bedroom. While it’s a frustrating relationship problem to have, for both parties involved, it’s by no means insurmountable. The key to solving this problem, just like any other relationship issue, is communication. You’re going to have to bring it up with your partner, and you’re going to have to do so calmly without judgement.
Here are 3 steps to communicating with your partner when you and he are not on the same page sexually.
Step 1: Ask if everything is alright in his life
Often times, sexual desire wanes with life circumstances. If you’re stressed at your job -- working 80 hour weeks -- you probably won’t be in the mood to have sex when you get home after a long day’s work. If a parent is ill in the hospital, you probably won’t want to get down. If you’ve been feeling insecure about your appearance, you probably don’t want your man touching you. There are literally millions of reasons why someone might not want to have sex that have nothing to do with sex itself. So address the issue. Once the issue goes away, odds are, his sex drive will return. If it’s something that can’t be addressed, and is only temporary, you may just have to wait it out. If it’s something that’s causing him to feel unappreciated or unhappy, do your best to fix the issue. If everything is fine in his life, and there are no major personal issues, move on to step 2.
Step 2: Ask if sexually, he’s been feeling satisfied
Ask him how he thinks your sex life is going. Is he feeling satisfied? Is he horny all the time, but just keeps jerking off before you get home from work? Is he simply getting older, and no longer has the energy to bone like a 22-year-old? If he’s not feeling satisfied sexually address what the issues are. He’s been feeling that you’ve been distant, so he hasn’t been that interested in sex. Or he feels you’ve been too greedy in bed as of late, so he has no desire to sleep with you. See what’s going on, and address the issue head on. The key here is not to judge or point fingers. Don’t let your pride cloud your judgement. If he says he’s sexually satisfied move onto step 3.
Step 3: Tell him you’d like to be more intimate
If he says everything is completely fine in his life -- personally, sexually, and relationally -- then let him know that there are some things in your life, specifically sexually, where you don’t feel fulfilled. Tell him you’ve wanted to have more sex, but of course, would never want to pressure him into having sex if he doesn't feel like doing so. It may just be he’s been unaware, and is too tired/consumed with everyday tasks that sex simply isn’t a priority. If that’s the case, he can now make sex a priority. Or, and more realistically, it may open up a conversation about your sex life. Maybe there actually are things you could do to spice it up. Maybe he’s grown a little bored sleeping with you, and bringing in a third is exactly what you need to reinvigorate your sex life. Maybe the new antidepressants, (specifically if it’s a specific-serotonin reuptake inhibitor AKA SSRI) he started taking is affecting his sex drive, and he should consider talking to his doctor about switching to a non-SSRI antidepressant. Whatever the issue is, work with him on it.
