I identify as a Bear.
The Bear movement was born in San Francisco in the early '90s, and what was once a small bunch of guys getting together informally has now evolved into a full-scale society and community. So much so, that the Bear identity is now known the whole world over. There's a Bear pride flag, Bear conferences, Bear erotica, Bear publications (like American Bear magazine) and being Bear is also an identifier on many dating/hook-up apps.
But what exactly makes a person a Bear?
The most obvious place to start is physical appearance. Bears usually have hair, and lots of it. Whether it's fur on their face, arms, shoulders, or backs, of all the countless characteristics of Bear identity, this seems to be one of the most fundamental. Bears are also big guys (who have bellies!), and at their most typical, look like an average, blue collar, football watching, easy going, unkempt man between their late 20's and 60's.
But one of the most unique characteristics of many Bears is that their masculinity feels casual. A cultural shift among gay men in recent years has shown a greater ease with the notion of being “manly” and a refusal to suppress their natural masculinity. In the past, gay expressions of masculinity have often taken a satirized form. Think Tom of Finland-style art, or (in real life) any uniform-wearing folks and really muscley guys, like leather daddies. Bears, however, are comfortably masculine, and some even possess a feminine flair. They don’t try incredibly hard. They are just themselves.
What is Bear culture known for? Besides they're friendly attitude, they’re laid back, they are sweet, and some say they are cuddly. They’re flirtatious in a respectful way and will often express attraction with a hearty "woof!"
Historically though, Bears have been gay and cisgender. Being a bisexual transgender man in a relationship with a cisgender woman, I'm often faced with the question, "how could I possibly identify as a Bear?" Well, I am attracted to men, I am hairy, and I love what the Bear culture stands for. I have been a part of the LGBT community for decades and have even DJ’d in a Bear bar. I just feel like it fits.
Despite all of this, there are times when it’s been hard for me to reconcile my identity in this way.
During a routine grocery store trip with my girlfriend (one in which I was wearing the Bear trucker hat that she had just gotten me for Christmas) we got into a conversation with a gay Bear, who stopped us because he thought my girlfriend was Brandi Carlile.
“Do you wear that hat just because you like it?" he asked, referring to my hat. "Or...do you know what it implies?”
“Yeah, I identify as a Bear," I responded, pointing to my girlfriend. "She bought this for me for Christmas.”
“I am a Bear too," he said, looking baffled and furrowing his brow as we parted ways.
I confused a fellow Bear because I was dating a woman and I felt guilty for it. I confuse lots of people. Some people think I’m straight. Others think I’m gay. Many cis people freak out when they found out I am bisexual and/or transgender. Usually, confusing others doesn’t really bother me. It’s their loss. If they want to live in a world which filled with assumptions, one where identity, sexuality, and gender have been dictated to them and one where they haven't had an opportunity choose and question these "norms," then it's their loss. To me, that reality feels small and is not my fault. I am glad it is not my own. But when I walked away from that fellow, Bear, I couldn't help but think, “I’m a trans guy in a relationship with a woman. Am I allowed to be a Bear?”
I wondered if I was somehow appropriating a culture that wasn’t mine. I thought about appropriation. Usually appropriation comes when one steals from another person’s lived reality or a culture they have not been a part of for most of their life.
But people aren’t born as Bears. Men come out and then settle into Bear identity.
Aside from the body I was born into and the fact that I am bi, I align with all of the other things that make someone a Bear. I had to remember that I can’t be anyone but myself and I won’t adhere to specific notions that aren't true to me. In fact, I think excluding bi and trans men from gay or Bear culture is unnecessary and harmful. I’m not going to be invisible because my existence makes some uncomfortable or confused. I am going to remain a bi Bear and not only do I love who I am, but so does my girlfriend.
