We are admittedly late to the party in posting recaps for The Real L Word, so rather than do a blow by blow of the minutia of six women’s lives we are opting for the five-minute (or so) recap –which shouldn’t take longer to read than the average time it takes to run to the loo or to smoke a cig.  

Episode Three: Bromance… We watch so you don’t have to…

It’s the lead up to Valentine’s Day and the girls respond as we might expect. Nikki and Jill are doe-eyed and mushy, Mikey rants against the corporate capitalist appropriation of love, Whitney could give a fuck, a Rose is a Rose and Tracy is gearing up for a kid-filled holiday.

Opening credits roll and Rose is cooking breakfast after her drunken night of topless beer pong – I mean Scattegories – and kicking her beleaugured girlfriend Natalie out of the house for being a wet blanket when it comes to an innocent night of shots and “show me your tits” with the girls.

Apparently, bacon and pancakes is a panacea for asshole behavior because Rose is ready to put the incident behind her, and so is Natalie.

“Fuck it. That’s the way I deal with it,” Rose says… While I’m fairly certain that the “fuck it” attitude is actually the opposite of dealing with it… it’s Rose’s way. But at least she can cook!

Cut to Nikki, Jill and Jill’s BFF, Derek, somewhere in a mini-manse.

They all say I love yous and Jill and her boy run off to buy a Flipcam so that she and Nikki can film even more minute details of their pitch-perfect lives. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZ

Mikey rages against corporate capitalism some more during a tennis match with a friend. This is like holding up a mirror as it’s my rant every time I’m broke or single on Valentine’s Day.

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While Jill is hiding the Flipcam in their garage Nikki heads to West Hollywood’s Balliamos Dance Studio for Jill’s gift – dance lessons so they’ll be pros for their first dance as a married couple that won’t be legally recognized by the state of California. Nikki’s mom, a dance guru and spitfire, just happens to be there. 

Back in the valley Tracy turns up at Stamie’s at 11:00-ish in the morning and she’s already cleaned her garage, done shitloads of laundry and watched a movie. Stamie’s three kids are there, prompting one to wonder if their other mommy ever has custody. Or does Stamie only have the kids on date night? No doubt this is Showtime’s attempt to create tension of the “blue balls” variety.

Back in Rose’s world, Natalie is off to a sexy photo shoot at Glamour Shots – no, it’s not, but I wish it were.

Rose is in her office, although I haven’t been able to wrap my head around what she does to support herself. Someone should tell Rose never to appear with children or pets. Her dog totally upstages her in the shot.

Not only is Whitney wanted by scads of women throughout Weho, she is a sought after zombie-killer star, and lands an acting gig in VooDoo Cowboy, the film for which she is creating masks and such, which presents a new problem for Whit. She must get rid of any signs of FUPA (Fat Upper Pussy Area). Thanks to Whitney for the word of the week.

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Back at Stamie’s all-day care she and Tracy attempt to get the chirruns to bed in time for an 8 p.m. pre-Valentine’s dinner reservation. The kids are without their “binkys” on this trip for some reason – let’s call it producer induced drama – and they won’t settle. The couple opts for cutting the tension at the kitchen table with a glass of wine.

Back to Nikki and Jill who are perfectly lovely but they are skinny and well-off, perfectly in love and zzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzz.

To combat FUPA Whitney enlists the help of the hot, sexually ambiguous trainer Miranda. Upon meeting, Whitney’s pupils dilate at the thought of fresh, hot trainer meat. Her roomie Allysa tells something we already know, which is that Whitney doesn’t discriminate against straight girls. “Whitney’s the Fonz,” Allysa says.

Cut to Whitney’s live-in friend -- Former piece? Who knows? -- Tor, who’s bemoaning her situation, having moved 3,000-plus miles to live with a woman she screwed around with once. It’s not working out…duh.

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Anti-Valentine’s Day Mikey – in the absence of workaholic girlfriend Raquel - devises a perfectly lovely plan for a makeover for her aunt Kat, who’s a breast cancer survivor.

Tracy and Stamie take a hop, skip and a jump over the valley down to Beverly Hills to the Newsroom Café – the second time we’ve seen it in three episodes (good for Newsroom) - for a hot minute away from the kids.

The plot - which I’ll call producers tweaking the truth to form a transparent and ridiculous narrative – thickens when Whitney’s girl #6,786, Romi, just happens to be the makeup artist at the salon where Mikey books her aunt’s makeover.

Aunt Kat has a few heartfelt adjustments to being pampered and trimming her hair but looks like a brand new woman when all is said and done! Go Mikey! But now, Mikey, having had a glass or two of Champers, is ready to keep the party going and invites the women from the salon to the den of iniquity that is The Abbey.

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Meanwhile, Rose has planned a getaway to Hotel Maya in Long Beach,  all the while bashing Natalie for her perceived lack of imagination. She blindfolds Natalie to surprise her and then surprises her in the room with a personal massage. At this point I’m thinking Rose is about to head down to the bar to play quarters with the locals, but alas, she irons their dresses and hangs around. Good girl.

Back in the Valley, Stamie’s - we’ve been together three months - Valentine’s gift to Tracy is a key to her house. Her son Nico is in the room when she bestows the key to her kingdom on Tracy because she wants Tracy to realize that it “will be fun, but it will also be serious.” I’m thinking Tracy already knows that. It’s pretty hard to ignore the three toddlers. And kudos to Tracy.  Whenever they pan to sweet Tracy with her girlfriend of three months’ kids I think, “I’m going to die selfish and alone.”

While relaxing into a bubble bath, Whitney gets a call from Romi to join her at the Abbey with Mikey – an offer Whitney can’t refuse.

Back in Long Beach, Rose continues to simultaneously romance and insult Natalie. This time it’s at their romantic dinner when Rose decides it’s the perfect time to interrogate Natalie about her boob reduction. That’s when Nat whips out her sexy V-Day photos, which makes Rose rethink the whole breast reduction situation.

By the time Whitney turns up at the Abbey, Mikey is well into her cups (champagne that is), but she and Whitney hit it off, subsequently managing to piss off an already jealous Romi.

The producers aim for another faux narrative – mainly trying to create sexual tension where there is none, and never will be – and decide it would be cute if Mikey swaps her spots for stripes, strips down to her bra and dons some lip gloss.

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Whitney says Mikey is too “pants” for her – no fucking kidding - to lust after, and since it appears to be written into Whit’s contract that she must desire to fuck everything that moves, they decide to make Mikey the object of Whit’s affection and give her a tableside makeover. Don’t misunderstand me - there are plenty of bra flashing incidents and awkward hook-ups that happen at The Abbey, but this is just all sorts of wrong.

When the real awkwardness is over and Mikey gets to the maudlin, post-silly stage of being hammered, she initiates a drunk bonding session, kisses Whitney and Romi on their hands and manages to escape with dignity – albeit slurring.

Well, Romi got what she wanted: to be the bottom to Whitney’s top, shirtless and trashed, and in front of a camera crew. That’s Hollywood!

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