5 Steps To Help Your Boyfriend Get Over His Jealousy Issues

Full disclosure: I’ve never dated someone jealous. In fact, I’ve always been the jealous one. Not in every relationship, but in more relationships than I care to admit. It took me a while to get over my jealousy issues (and becoming polyamorous helped too). But as the boyfriend who was a hot, jealous mess, I can say I know what things my partners did that helped with my jealous and what made it worse.

The key to discussing your boyfriend’s jealousy, just like any other conversation with your boyfriend, is to speak to him in a direct manner without judgement and condescension. Keep that in mind as you read these 5 steps.  

1. Ask him if he thinks he gets jealous, and if he sees it as an issue

First, see if he thinks of his jealousy as an issue. Does he think he’s actually being jealous? Or is he calling it some nonsense like “protective.” If he doesn't even realize that he has jealousy issues, then gurl, you’re going to have a lot of work cut out for you. You need more than a 500-word post to help you. If he does realize it and does indeed think it’s an issue (honestly, he really should), then proceed to step 2.

2. Ask him why he gets jealous

I can say, as someone who was jealous, that we often don't analyze our own jealousy. We think of it as something that’s natural, which it is, but then because of this, we don’t behave introspectively. It’s important to discover the root. Is it a matter of what he calls “disrespect?” Is he afraid you’re going to cheat? Is he simply insecure? Possessive? Have you cheated before on previous partners, so he doesn’t trust you? Did you use to be more promiscuous?

3. Tell him he needs to let you know when he’s feeling jealous (in a cool and collected manner)

He shouldn’t try to hide his jealousy, and at this point, he shouldn’t try to suppress it. Surely, he’s tried suppressing it, and clearly, that didn’t work. So now it’s time for both of you to explore it. The goal here is to see if there’s a specific pattern of his jealousy. Is he typically jealous surrounding issues of exes? Is it when someone touches you? Does it only happen when the other guy is insanely attractive?

4. Ask him what he needs to feel less jealous

This can lead to a difficult conversation. He may ask too much of you. He may say you can’t talk to your exes, flirt with other men, or look at another guy. (I doubt he’ll say the latter, but it could be implied.) If it’s too much, you need to tell him what he’s asking of you isn’t fair/ridiculous. But see if you can reach an agreement.

5. Be patient

It may take some time for him to no longer be a jealous mess. Jealousy often happens more in the beginning of a relationship, before you fully trust your partner. It then often wanes. But not always, so if your boyfriend is a jealous mess, and remains a jealous mess, you and he need to get into therapy to figure out what’s really going on.