34 things straight people think are totally gay

Breakfast and hygiene and leaning... this list is WILD!

Oh, my!

Toxic masculinity and homophobia still plague us all, and there's still a lot of stigma around the topic.

We knew straightness had a lot of totally normal, not oppressive at all regulations and guidelines, but in this day and age, it can be very hard to keep up with them! It's like the laundry list will never end! So, as a handy-dandy guide for all the manly alpha macho males out there, here are some things you'll probably want to avoid! (Unless, of course, you want people thinking you're some kind of gay.)

Soup, straws, milkshakes, and crossing your legs

Despite what he thinks, Fox News host Jesse Watters is not the go-to thought leader on what qualifies as masculine. Masculine fragility, sure. In the past his famously absurd takes on all things manly have included a panic over men, gasp, going grocery shopping. But now he has laid out the rules of what men, ie straight men, can't do.

According to Watters real men don't talk about how they can beat other guys up — Ok fair point — but also they don't eat soup in public, cross their legs, drink from a straw, and don't drink milkshakes. If you're wondering why straws are off the table, its because of "the way your lips purse, its very effeminate."

Surprisingly, being obsessed with mens pursed lips didn't make his list. Interesting. OK, moving on.

Friendship

God forbid two men are friends together, because it can be so super totally easy to get that confused with romanticism, right? This is toxic masculinity at its finest, and here's to hoping this thought in particular starts to move to the wayside.

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Singing

This isn't as much about singing in general as much as it is in regard to the arts, such as singing on Broadway. Still, just because a man likes to bust a note doesn't mean he's gay, so let the man sing!

Dressing well

There's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself or how you look. Fortunately, men who dress well are also often thought to be gay, but plenty of straight men can take a tip (or two) from this one.

Leaning

Stop leaning on things and/or other people, fellas! Stand up STRAIGHT! Like a real man!

Mysterious monoliths

Yes, you read that correctly. A small group of Trump supporters in California felt the need to take down one of those many mysterious monoliths that keep popping up all over the world because they believe "Christ is king" and that these objects are "pagan monuments" and "gay." The group live-streamed themselves taking down a monolith in Atascadero, California, and replacing it with a cross. Now, clips of the stream (which are filled with homophobic and racist language) are making the rounds on the internet, reports The San Luis Obispo Tribune.

Wearing face masks

Face masks have been proven to help in the fight against the spread of COVID-19, but apparently, according to people who still subscribe to toxic beliefs about gender, they also make you "unmanly."

"Might as well carry a purse with that mask, Joe," Fox Nation host and right-wing pundit Tomato Lasagna Tomi Lahren quote tweeted a video Democratic presidential hopeful Joe Biden shared urging people to wear masks during the ongoing, global pandemic, insinuating that it is somehow feminine to wear a mask and to protect yourself and others from a deadly virus.

Ordering dessert

We know there's a lot of things that mean a person is gay (having a physical, romantic, and/or emotional attraction to someone of the same sex being the primary and most obvious thing), but did you know that one of those things includes something as mundane as...ordering dessert?? Yup, according to these bizarre tweets, straight, macho, alpha manly men eat MEALS only!

Eating breakfast

Okay, while we admit brunch is very, very gay, the simple act of eating breakfast at the start of your day shouldn't be a threat to a straight man's sexuality! It's healthy to eat a good, balanced breakfast every morning!! WTF!

Using facial products and/or having good hygiene

Apparently it's not acceptable for straight men to have a daily hygiene regimen and use facial products (unless it's called something ridiculous and manly like "War Paint"). Only gays do that!

Working Out

Taking care of yourself, looking good, dressing nicely, all the things. Even though one look around the gym can let you know who the primary clientele is, it can be complicated to explain the relationship gay men have with the gym.

Recycling

According to research reported in 2019, one of the biggest reasons so many men don't recycle or participate in other eco-friendly practices is that they are fraid of having their sexuality questioned by other for doing so..........

Looks like toxic masculinity is going to take us AND the entire ozone layer down with it!!

Eating crab legs

Delicious, delectable, buttery crab meat? Sounds fruity to me!

Watching the sunset

Wow, the setting sun is so pretty, bro!!! No homo, though.

Sitting cross-legged

Get with the program, dude. Criss-cross applesauce is for girls only! Duh!

Ordering a fruity drink

You go to a bar and take a look at the selection, unsure of what to order. If you get something fruity like a Mai Tai, you may be looked down upon. Even though most millennial men want to order fruity drinks — some 74% of those interviewed for a Thrillist article — the fear of judgment holds them back. Just remember, there’s no such thing as a manly cocktail.

Napping

Gentlemen of the world, stop napping! Work through your tiredness like a REAL man! *eye-roll*

Wiping and cleaning your derriere

This one was almost too hard to believe, but a poor woman actually did have to vent to We Hunted the Mammoth writer David Futrell about how her grown, adult husband doesn't like to clean or wipe his behind because "a real man doesn’t go in between his cheeks or spread them open for anything."

SO GROSS.

Owning a little dog

“I’ll get you, my pretty… And your little dog, too!” Little dogs like Chihuahuas and Miniature Schnauzers are almost a tell-tale sign of a gay man, especially if they’re wearing some sort of clothing. These little creatures are meant to be pampered, so expect to see them getting a mani/pedi next to their owner.

Airbags

Basic safety procedures are gay! Who knew? While we're at, perhaps men shouldn't wear seatbelts either. If you crash your car, you should go flying through the windshield like god intended.

Talking to your significant other

Yup, real guys never talk about their emotions and feelings to their close loved ones.

Liking flowers

A mom had to take to Reddit to ask for advice on what to do with her fragile husband who thinks things like liking flowers, bananas, books, and light (yes, light) is a sign their infant son is gay. (We literally can't make this stuff up!!!)

Drinking water with lemon in it

According to this cursed tweet, asking for lemon in your water is a "womanly" thing for men to do and should be avoided. (I guess tap water is fine, though.)

Mirrors

If you can't percieve yourself, how in the hell you gonna percieve somebody else?

Strong Women

According to this one man's logic, men who want to be with strong women are gay because masculine, manly, macho men should only want to be with submissive women.....

This cursed screenshot of a Tweet is not only homophobic but also extremely misogynistic, which is a combo we all absolutely HATE to see. *sigh*

Having sex with women

Yup, you read that right. It's time to add "straight men having sex with women" to the ever-growing list of things that makes people gay......

"Any man who has an obscene amount of sex with a high number (of) women consistently over years is a potential undercover gay man," Twitter user @LadeIsPower ridiculously theorized. "Being a nympho/deviant is the gateway to homosexuality. It's why a lot of these rappers are gay. Eventually, you get so tired of (expletive) you begin to 'explore.'"

Will the clownery ever end???

Tweeting

We have no clue what this person's logic was, but apparently, men who tweet are now "lowkey gay." Considering Twitter has over 330 million active, global users, that must mean there's a lot of gay people out there!

Celebrating Valentine's Day with your wife

Thinking of celebrating your love and marriage with your wife on this holiday rather than watch a football game? Think again, because your man card might get revoked.

Ordering a milkshake

According to one Twitter user's logic, a man who enjoys a sweet, delicious, frozen concoction of ice cream and milk makes him gay... (We WISH we were making this up...)

Cleaning up after yourself

What a shock, right? I mean, cleaning your toilet, vacuuming your floor, doing your dishes? Most of the breeders out there think all straight men’s apartments are pigsties and all the gay men’s are immaculate. There’s no proof, of course, but there’s also no television show called “Straight Eye for the Gay Guy,” either.