My name is Philippa; I am a 33-year-old British citizen living in the UK.
In February 2008, while on a forum for tattoo enthusiasts, I started talking to Inger, a 40-year-old American citizen living in Colorado. Our friendship developed very quickly, talking for hours via MSN, Webcams and the telephone.
When my Mum became very ill in May of 2008, it was Inger who helped me through this difficult time. I remember calling her when the doctors said Mum had two hours left to live, and she pulled me together. Without Inger’s words I don’t believe I would have had the strength to hold Mum’s hand as she passed. Before she passed, Mum made me promise to go to America and meet this woman who seemed to have made an impact on my life; a huge promise to make considering I was scared of flying and had never travelled outside of the UK.
So fast-forward to September. I boarded the plane full of apprehension, but upon meeting her it didn’t take long for me to realise I had fallen for her, and two weeks later I left in pieces. I travelled to the states again in November for Inger’s birthday and, of course, had to also leave again.
We discovered, that for as much as we wanted to be together, the laws in the USA will not allow her to sponsor me as her partner. The terminology on the visa petition is “spouse,” which is exclusive to heterosexual relationships.
Although Inger has made trips over to the UK and, UK immigration does recognise our relationship, this is not an option for us. Inger has a 10-year-old daughter, who calls me her English Mum. Our daughter has a relationship with her father and we both feel strongly that to disrupt this relationship by moving her out of the country would be extremely wrong.
Inger and our daughter visited the UK in February 2009, where she proposed to me on bended knee in the middle of the city in rush hour traffic, whilst our daughter happily snapped away with the camera. Following that momentous occasion I returned to the US where we had a commitment ceremony and exchanged rings on April 3, 2009. Making a commitment to the person you love then having to leave so soon after is an indescribable feeling that I hope many people never experience. Then, we waited nearly five months before we could see each other again, when my wife and child travelled to the UK in September 2009.
We have continued to go back and forth, however things have become more complicated. I spent 89 days in the states on a visa waiver starting in November 2009. This meant leaving my job -- yet we both felt that we needed to see how our relationship played out for more than a three-week trip. We were also promised by a lawyer and friend that my visa could be changed when I was there. Sadly this expert got his facts wrong. He had also promised our daughter that I could stay. I remember the day we had to break it to her that I would be leaving again… it’s hard to rationalise something to a child when you don’t understand the reasons yourself.
Upon my return to the UK, Inger and I decided that we needed to make a stand and try and change the laws surrounding same-sex bi-national couples, even if it meant that we were making life harder for ourselves by being so public. We did two radio interviews -- one in the UK, the other in the US -- to try and create awareness and support not only for ourselves, but also for the thousands of other couples and families in a similar predicament. We also created a facebook page called Without Borders.
Six and a half months passed and we both went through massive changes -- life changes like moving house. That’s something that we should have been doing as a family rather than watching each other struggle from afar.
I returned again to the US at the end of August this year only to find myself stopped at the border. My documents were taken from me and I was ushered into another room to be interviewed. Luckily, I was not asked if I was in a relationship -- something that I would have to deny because there are no laws in place that allow us to marry. I would automatically be seen as an overstay risk. Rather, I was grilled and accused of working, which was not true.
After answering their questions satisfactorily, I was allowed to enter the country, however, I hadn’t been able to contact Inger to explain the delay. What should have been a happy moment after months of waiting to hold each other again was turned into a moment of anguish and paranoia. I couldn’t hug her in case we were being watched. Imagine not seeing the one you love for six and a half months. There she was standing in front of me and I dared not touch her. My first night was spent holding her because she couldn’t stop crying; and why? Because of the fear of what could have happened -- the idea of me being held in a detention centre, then sent back to the UK without her ever catching a glimpse of me, the nine-hour flight and the $1000 dollars to get there would all have been wasted. Not to mention having to break it to our child, all because our relationship has no validity in the eyes of the American government.
We continually slip into family life so easily when we are together, and then it is ripped away from us a few weeks later when one of us has to leave. From the minute we get to hold each other the clock starts counting down to the time when we have to let go and become a voice on the telephone or an image on a webcam that seems just out of reach.
The added pressure of time difference also places huge restrictions on everyday life. I live seven hours ahead of her, so half of my day is done when she wakes up. As I sit here in the UK writing this I have no idea when I will see Inger or our daughter again. Financially and logistically it would be easier for me to go back to the states. This, however, seems too risky now as I have already been questioned once on the basis of frequent visits. So what’s the solution? We need for the law to change. We and thousands of other couples and families need the American people to encourage their senators to show their support and sponsor the UAFA (Uniting American Families Act).
If the Bill is passed it will allow Inger to sponsor me in the United States as her permanent partner, and we could start our lives together as a proper family. I am not asking for special rights, I would just like equal rights so that I can wake up with my wife every morning and provide a loving and stable family home for our daughter.
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