11 strap-on struggles that are way too real & how to overcome them according to sex experts

Strap-ons are life.

The future is here and we have the technology!And by technology, we mean strap-ons.

Ask any couple in which both partners have vaginas—nothing makes you realize how unnecessary flesh penises are quite like buying a strap-on in whatever color, shape, and size you and your partner desire.
What a time to be alive!

Yet despite the bedroom joys it can bring, becoming besties with a strap-on can take time, practice, experimentation, and even some epic fails. Yes, getting used to having sex with one can feel awkward—which is why PRIDE reached out to the experts: Sofie Roos,, a bisexual licensed sexologist, and therapist Jillian Amodio, for their insights on how to overcome the most common strap-on stumbling blocks. Whether you're a strap-on newb or a dildo-wielding vet, here’s what they had to say.

1. Selecting your dick

Dicks are bountiful. Which one is right for you? Dildos are available in small, large, black, brown, purple, rainbow, with testicles, and without testicles. Selecting your dildo can be overwhelming. Amodio's advice is to take your time. "Get curious and explore your options," she tells PRIDE."Take into account the material, the quality, the cost, the color, the texture, level of realism (or fantasy vibes) and of course the size as well to ensure you and your partner are getting what feels good to you."

Bring your partner with you if you’re in a relationship, she adds. "This is a personal decision and you should take your time exploring what you like or don’t like about various options."

2. Strapping on the harness

While some strap-ons come with a harness attached, typically, now that you’ve picked out your dick, you’re going to need a harness to match. Babeland is a great queer-friendly shop to select a harness—from kinky lace-up leather to basic elastic harnesses.

Amodio suggests investing in a good-quality harness. “Cheap ones tend to slide around, dig in, or break,” she warns. “Watch online tutorials, and practice prior to using your harness in real time so you can familiarize yourself with how they work and how to customize the fit to your body.”

Just don’t expect it to fit perfectly the first time you slide it on (that’s what the straps are for). Take some time alone adjusting your harness, but come prepared to adjust your harness as needed while getting it on.

3. Learning to hump

As a bisexual woman, I always took humping for granted—until I started having strap-on sex. Turns out, it’s hard work!

“To use a strap on is more physical than what many think, and it’s a combination between using your leg muscles, your hips and condition,” explains Roos. “My best advice to get into it is to start out slowly. Let the movements sync with your breathing, so when going in, you breathe out, and when going out, you breathe in! That makes it easier to get enough oxygen to the body which lets you go on for longer!”

It also doesn't hurt to hit the gym to build up hip and core strength, she adds.

So, sure, your first few times having sex while wearing a strap-on might be awkward as you find your flow. This is normal—and why it’s crucial to date partners who are understanding.

4. Switching positions

You finally mastered the missionary position, and all of a sudden your partner wants to get on top. Hot! However, when she tries to flip over, the dick accidentally slips out. Awkward!

“Awkwardness and pleasure are not mutually exclusive,” says Amodio, but don’t panic. “Go with the flow, take your time, take breaks as needed, and don’t let awkward moments spoil the excitement.”

Roos also says to just incorporate it all into your sexy times, so it doesn't have to feel like a mistake. “View the switching as a part of the sex, and turn it into an intimate moment where you can stop to kiss and get eye contact, something that will reduce the feeling of it being weird,” she advises.

Ultimately, it happens, and switching positions becomes easier with practice—so just keep having sex.

5. Finding the best porn

Watching strap-on porn is a wonderful way to learn how to use yours and watch how it’s done. That being said, mainstream porn that shows fast and furious strap-on sex between straight women isn’t the most accurate teacher. The ethically-made and queer-friendly Crash Pad Series is perfect for viewing realistic and accurate depictions of queer sex with strap-ons.

6. What about anal?

Since the rectum isn’t self-lubricating, making love to someone in the butt with your strap-on can be more delicate than vaginal or oral sex.

“My first advice is lube, lube and more lube, always use generous volumes of water based lube,” says Roos. “Make sure to use water based lube if the strap-on you’re using is made out of silicone or any other rubber, which almost all are,” she adds.

As for what to avoid, Roos says any with “heating, cooling or tingling effect, or lube with smell or perfume during anal sex since that can irritate the anus.”

A strap-on can indeed feel like part of your body, but since they don’t have nerve endings, first-time strap-on anal can be more difficult than other forms of sex. You don’t want to accidentally hurt your partner, so communication is crucial—as is picking positions that allow the receiving partner to be in control. “Many sex positions feel too intense when doing anal, so pick someone where the receiver is in control of the depth and rhythm, such as cowgirl or doggystyle.”

7. Selecting the right lube

Just to reinforce importance of using water based lube, it’s crucial to remember that different sex toys and situations require different lubricants. For instance, silicone breaks down silicone, so if your dildo is made of silicone, opt for water-based lube. If you’re using condoms with your strap-on, avoid anything oil-based, as such lubes aren’t latex-friendly. That means if you’re using condoms, no coconut oil or anything out of your kitchen cupboard for you. Head to your local adult shop for something store-bought.

8. Connecting with your cock

Ask anyone familiar with using a strap-on. They can become part of you and feel just as real as a flesh penis. It takes a little bit of time to connect with your new cock, but it’s an important relationship to invest in.

“My best advice for all people feeling like this is to wear the strap on often - even outside of bed,” says Roos. “Walk around in it at home, sit in it while watching TV, doomscrolling your phone or reading a book, and look yourself in the mirror when wearing it on, all to get used to the feeling, the looks and the weight of it, and with time, the strap on will become more of a natural extension of your body, and ultimately feel as a part of you, which will make the strap on-sex much better.”

9. Dealing with breakups

One of the saddest parts about a break-up (aside from losing the person, of course) is figuring out what to do with your sex toys. Strap-ons often become a vital part of a relationship. When one ends, you may feel conflicted. Do I toss away this beautiful sex toy that feels like a part of me? Or do I keep it, with the understanding that it might bring up emotional memories? Often, new partners are less than excited to use a strap-on that’s been a part of a previous relationship. But you know what that means? You get to go shopping!

10. To buy, or not to buy a new strap-on with a new partner?

So you're over you're heartbreak and now you're heading toward intimacy with someone new. Great! But does that also mean you need to spring-clean your naughty drawer, too? Listen we get it, a good strap ain't cheap. So, here's the real tea. With good hygiene, proper, thorough cleaning, and the use of condoms, you can technically use an old strap-on with a new partner, it's the emotional side, you have to deal with.

“Strap-ons easily become emotionally loaded - something that has history and is connected with the partners it’s been used with, and not everyone is comfortable or appreciated being pegged or peg with a strap on that comes from a previous relationship,” agrees Roos.

Ultimately, its going to come down to what you and your new partner decide is right, she says. “Let your partner know and let them decide whether or not they are comfortable with using it with you, and if not, then just invest in a new one, it’s worth it!”

Bonus: No one likes a dirty strap!

Hopefully this is a no-brainer, but the most awkward strap-on situation is using an unclean one. Fortunately, keeping it clean and hygienic isn’t that complicated.

“Make sure to clean off the dildo in lukewarm water and with a mild soap directly after using it, and then dry it with a clean towel,” says Roos. “If you want to make it more hygienic, use a new condom each time, especially during anal sex, or if switching between anal and vaginal sex, or between partners with the same dildo.”

Finally, “For storage, keep the strap on dildo away from any other sex toys in a separated bag, and store it cold and dark, and preferably wash it off before the next session too just to make sure you’re good to go!”

Ta-da! Another strap-on crisis averted!

Experts cited

Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist and author at relationship magazine Passionerad

Jillian Amodio, therapist LMSW, psychology professor, and author of Nurturing Your Inner Child