How to ask her to be your girlfriend: A guide for shy lesbians & sapphics

Are you ready? Here’s how you’ll know.

The first step to feeling calm (well, as calm as possible) when asking the person you’re dating to be your girlfriend is to first be secure in knowing that it’s what you want.

It comes down to both timing and a gut feeling, says Roos. “Generally, you know you’re ready when you’re longing to take the next step—that it feels natural to let her become a bigger part of your life, no matter what kind of relationship you’re having now.”

If that’s not clear enough, Shaklee says to take an analytical approach and consider dynamics that will lead to a healthy relationship, when and if she says yes. “Have you taken the time to genuinely get to know each other, not just through constant communication and sharing, but through a range of shared experiences, emotions, mutual support, patience, and understanding?,” Shaklee asks. If the answers are yes, then chances are you’re in a good place to take the next step.

Just remember, there’s no rush if you’re not quite sure yet, adds Roos. “Take a step back to feel whether or not this is the natural next step—something you’ll feel if giving yourself some time to reflect over the situation, your relationship, and listen to your feelings.”

Once you know the answer to that, you know what your next move will be, provided you feel they are on the same page with you. Which leads us to…

Are they? Here’s the signs to look out for.

In moments like this, when you’re putting yourself out there and are vulnerable, you may wish you could read your sweetie’s mind. Sadly, no advice our experts can give, no matter how skilled they are, will give you superpowers—but they can offer some clues of what to be on the lookout for.

Roos says to consider how they talk about you and your future together when the conversation arises. “Does she use an ‘us’ when talking about the future, and does she like to make plans of things you should do together? Is there any interest in meeting your friends and family, and overall becoming a bigger part of your life?” Roos asks. If the answers are yes, it indicates they are in a similar headspace. “That’s signs of her also wanting to make things more serious and take your relationship to the next level, and move to the next step,” explains Roos. “So pay attention to small details in her way of seeing you, and pick up the overall feeling she’s giving!”

Also assess how she makes you feel, says Shaklee. “Do you feel this relationship is truly reciprocal? Do both of you feel comfortable, heard, seen and are there clear signs that your attention isn’t divided by outside distractions?” she asks. Again, if the answer is in the affirmative, those are good signs that you both want the same thing.

How and when to pop the girlfriend question.

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You’ve assessed, you’ve considered, you’ve asked yourself all the important questions—and yep, you wanna do it. You wanna make your paramour your official girlfriend.

But how? Here’s the experts’ best advice for popping the question:

#1“Try to keep it quite simple, but yet personal,” says Roos, adding it doesn’t have to be the most romantic moment in history. “The most important thing is that you let her hear how you’re feeling for her, and what you’d like you to become.”

#2 “Picking the right moment is important,” says Roos. “It doesn't necessarily need to be that cinematic romantic moment that might never come. However, you should be in a place where there’s no stress and no distractions, so you can spend that moment with just the two of you and really have time for each other.”

Shaklee adds that breakfast time is a surprisingly ideal time for the conversation since it’s casual and intimate. “It’s a great time to be calm, clear, and level-headed in having a legit conversation. Whether you make it on your own, or meet out for a special table for two,” she says.

#3 “Be straight up with how you’re feeling. Even though it’s super scary to open up this way, it always turns out so much better if you’re putting your heart out on that plate and let her know exactly what you want and how you’re feeling,” Roos advises.

If you’re tongue-tied, Shaklee says something along the lines of the following communicates what you want and what you’re feeling, but also gives them some space to consider their feelings, too:

“Let’s be serious for a sec. I truly enjoy you, your company, your friendship, and really hope to make some more fun memories together. I admire and respect about you your kindness, drive, fun personality, your way in the world that I think is so rare and significant, etc). I’m into making it an exclusive thing, and want to give you time to think about it. I respect your answer either way.”

What to do if they say no? 

Even when you’ve set yourself up for success, it can still not go the way you hope—otherwise it wouldn’t be so nerve-wracking. So it's best to also prepare for them to say no, too, say the experts.

“Getting a no is always a risk, and most of the times not anything personal, even though it easily can feel that way,” says Roos. The key, she says, is to try and focus on gratitude for the honesty.”

“Respond with kindness and respect,” adds Shaklee. “Continue being the person she’s clearly drawn to, the one she may grow to feel more aligned with in time. People move at different emotional paces, and not every ‘no’ is permanent.”

But most of all, you should also be proud of yourself for being brave and putting yourself out there. “Pat yourself on the back for being so brave to ask someone this!” says Roos. And don’t give up on love!

Experts cited: 

Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist and author at relationship magazine Passionerad

Tammy Shaklee, a relationship expert, certified matchmaker, and founder of H4M Matchmaking.