9 essential tips for trying a strap-on for the first time, according to LGBTQ+ sexperts

Strap-ons and other sex toys can seem totally intimidating, but they really aren't!

Ah, so the time has come. Maybe you’ve been eying them in secret online. Maybe you’ve never even thought about them. But it’s inevitable — in a queer relationship, strap-on use is going to come up.

While these toys can seem totally intimidating, it’s not really too complicated to get started. Sex toys don’t have to be awkward AF. To breakdown how to get over your nerves, finding a harness that fits, and how to communicate with your partner, we talked to Milla Impola, sex, condom and lube expert at ONE Condoms; Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist and author at relationship magazine Passionerad; certified sexologist Chanel Jaali Marshall; and Cat, the head of Safe-for-Work content at Ersties.

So, if you want to give strap-ons a try, check out their tips so you feel less lost. (Plus, you can even send them to your partner as a little nudge to let them know where your thoughts are headed.)

1. How to handle your nerves

Using strap ons is a fun and safe way to spice up your sex life, but if you’re new to using these sex toys or haven’t had a chance to use them with your new partner, it’s completely normal to feel nervous. But communication and an openness to exploring new things is going to be key to getting past those butterflies in your stomach that are holding you back from having the best sex life possible.

"Any new sex toy or activity can be both exciting and make you a little nervous,” Impola tells PRIDE. "The key is exploring with partners who you can communicate with, be curious with, and be open with. It’s never going to go perfect the first time, and that’s okay! Have fun, laugh, communicate, and play with joy.”

And if you’ve only had experience being on the receiving end of some strap-on action but are nervous about being the one wearing the harness, don’t worry, our LGGBTQ+ sex and taking experts have tips for you too.

“Using a strap-on can feel like stepping into a new role, both physically and emotionally,” Cat explains. "For many sapphic individuals, it’s not just about the mechanics, but it’s about exploring intimacy, power, and vulnerability in a new and nuanced way. Many of us have experienced being on the receiving side, and it’s easy to worry that we won’t be able to do the job ‘well’ or have the stamina. (I honestly was thinking of going to the gym to train for it!) but it’s much more about connection, curiosity, and learning what feels good for both partners. The nerves usually fade once you shift focus from ‘doing it perfectly’ to you both enjoying it together.”

Roos agrees, and says that a lot of sapphics get nervous about “penetrating and getting penetrated by someone,” but that you’ll likely start to calm down if you can focus on having fun and not about being perfect.

“Not only is there a lot of insecurity around the situation, but performance anxiety, how it will feel and worries around it if it doesn't turn out sexy or pleasurable also plays a big role in feeling nervous,” she tells PRIDE. “For it to feel better beforehand, I recommend sapphics to tell themselves that it doesn't have to turn out perfect the first time, and that it’s okay to ‘fail.’ Just embrace this new experience, no matter how it goes!”

2. Explore the whole wide world of dildos

There are so many dildos in the world. Like, an absurd — and exciting! — amount.

Have an adventure in your favorite sex shop or go online and find one, or a few, that seem right to you. Starting small could be a good call if your partner has never been penetrated with something other than fingers before, but be sure to talk it out to see what makes the most sense for everyone involved. After all, are you going to go bright and vibrant, or natural tones? So many choices.

“Explore the wide selection of dildos available before committing to one,” Marshall recommends. "It's definitely important to explore a selection of dildos before choosing one (or a few). Since you'll be the one wearing it, you'd want it to feel like you want it to feel. If you're partnered, maybe you want to browse the selection together to see what works for you both.”

Cat says that since there is no “one-size-fits-all when it comes to dildos," you’re going to want to start small and think about texture, since some people love silicone and others prefer glass or metal.

“You can explore different shapes and materials together with a partner or find something that embodies the experience you’d like to feel while using it,” she explains. “Also consider whether you want something realistic or something curved for G-spot stimulation, or something more playful. Take your time exploring different options until you find one that feels right for your body and your desires. Personally, I have a rainbow dildo for my harness, and honestly, it feels kind of magical to give multicolored pleasure using it!”

3. Find a cozy harness that fits

Your second decision is picking a harness. While it’s appealing to go for something flashy, make sure you find one that fits. A harness that’s adjustable is best so that you don’t have to buy a new one if you gain or lose a few inches. Focus on comfort, at least for the first time, to avoid squeezing yourself or having it fall off in bed.

Cat recommends finding one that fits correctly and feels comfortable because the last thing you want is to be distracted by the fit of your harness when you’re trying to be sexy. So take the time to find your perfect fit so that you can feel confident and in control. “The first one I tried on felt bulky and complicated on my body, which definitely did not make me feel sexy and confident using it, so it’s super important to try on different styles to find your preference and what feels good on,” Cat says, “for example, some people love the classic leather look, others prefer soft fabric or jock-strap styles. Think about how it feels on your hips and thighs, and if you’re ordering online, think about your height & shape and try to find one that’s made for your size, as ultimately, comfort and movement are key.”

There are so many styles out there, so take your time and start browsing. “Underwear-style harnesses are comfortable, come in styles like boxers and panties, are easy to put on and take off, washable between uses, and have an o-ring at the tip where you attach the dildo,” Impola says. "There are also the more traditional harnesses where you have straps that go around your waist, plus harnesses for your thighs, hands, feet and more.”

Impola also recommends trying strapless strap-ons (also called double dildos) because you may end up liking it better. "These have a shorter end that is inserted into the vagina or anus and held in place by the wearer’s pelvic muscles, plus a longer end that can be inserted into someone else’s vagina or anus," Impola says. "Some of them vibrate, some can be controlled by a remote control, and come in a variety of different sizes and styles."

4. Play around with the strap-on to get comfortable with it

Stroll around in the strap-on like nothing is even happening. It’s totally hilarious, and it’ll help break the ice so you and your partner(s) feel used to having the strap-on in your lives. Even if it is in a non-sexual way, just having the strap-on within your line of sight will help silence some jitters and make you both feel less like you have a strange, foreign object in bed with you.

“I actually recommend people to wear it outside the bed for a while, for example when cooking, watching TV or just going around at home so that you feel it sits correctly, or can adjust it accordingly if something feels wrong,” Roos says. “That will make the strapping much more pleasurable!”

Cat says that while wearing it around the house may make you and your partner giggle, it’ll be worth it when you have a harness that is adjusted perfectly and it starts to feel like an extension of your body. ”Wearing the harness around the house (over clothes or lingerie) helps you get used to the sensation and weight of it,” she explains. “Adjusting the straps beforehand avoids awkward interruptions later, and it helps you feel more natural when you start using it with a partner. Plus it’s just fun to wear and wiggle your hips and see your new tool from your perspective.”

Impola also recommends “watching videos online of people using strap-ons, reading articles of strap-on friendly sex-positions, and practice thrusting and grinding while wearing it.”

5. Don’t worry about getting it perfect the first time

Even though all of us want to be totally perfect in bed 100 percent of the time, you have to be able to give yourself a break. It’s your first time trying out a strap-on, and only practice makes perfect. Don’t kick yourself if you have to try a few different positions or start and stop. You’re both learning how to do this, together.

All of the experts warn against letting the desire for perfection stop you from having really hot sex. “Just like with anything you're trying for the first time, don't expect perfection,” Marshall recommends. “You may have to try this a few times to get the hang of it. When is sex 100% perfect, 100% of the time? The point is to explore and have fun.”

Listen, it may be a little awkward the first time, or you may end up feeling a little silly, but that’s okay, the important thing is to have fun and not take yourself too seriously. “It’s okay if the harness feels clumsy and awkward the first time, if the thrustings don't come naturally or if it feels more like comedy than a sexy time,” Roos says. “The most important thing is that you have fun while exploring together!”

6. Communicate

Communication is always key, no matter what kind of sex you’re having. Ask your partner how what you’re doing feels, as it’s way more difficult to tell what’s going on down there than is if you’re using your mouth or hand. Don’t just rely on body language to tell you if you’re making a mistake!

“It’s so sexy when people tell you what feels good, if something feels a bit off, and how you can adjust your positioning to make sure everyone is comfortable and having a pleasurable experience,” Impola says. “Ask your partner questions and check in, compliment them, and communicate back what feels good.”

This is especially important if one or both of you is new to strap-ons, since it can make you feel vulnerable or make new emotions crop up that you weren’t expecting.“ Check in before, during, and after as it is not just about what feels physically good, but emotionally too,” Cat says. “Sometimes strap-on play can shift dynamics or bring up feelings of vulnerability or excitement, and that’s all valid. Talking through it keeps the experience safe, sexy, and consensual.”

7. Don’t forget the lube!

While the most exciting part of the shopping experience is going to be picking out a dildo and harness, grabbing lube is equally important if you want to have a pleasurable experience. “Yes, use plenty of lube! It’s a small thing that makes a huge difference in comfort and pleasure,” Cat recommends.

Resident lube expert Impola agrees that you’re going to want to use a good lube to make everything feel better. “Lubricant is your friend,” Impola says. “Lube makes sex feel even more incredible, because it helps reduce friction, increases comfort, and adds to your natural lubrication. Make sure to use a lubricant that is compatible with your toy; that’s where water-based lubricant, such as ONE® Oasis®, works great because water-based lubricants are so versatile and toy-friendly.”

8. Don’t be shy about experimenting

There are countless positions you can try while strapping, so don’t be afraid to get suggestions online or get creative! “During the ride, also don’t forget to try different positions," Roos says. "While one might feel extremely uncomfortable and just want you to stop the sex, another one can feel heavenly."

And don’t forget that just because you’re wearing a strap-on doesn’t mean penetration has to be on the table or the only thing you do with it. “You can grind, tease, and play around with different positions before going all in,” Cat says. “Some might just enjoy the experience of wearing one, or receiving oral on it, even if you don’t experience physical pleasure, the mental stimulation from these experiences can be immense. Let it be part of a larger erotic experience, not a single act with a finish line.”

9. Be open about your feelings

Maybe you loved the strap-on, and your partner hated it. Maybe you hated it, and they loved it. Maybe you feel the same way. The only way you’ll know if the strap-on should become a regular part of your routine or reserved for special occasions (or stored in the drawer with the other sex toys you weren’t into) is by talking about it.

Be open about your feelings, and make it clear that no one’s feelings are going to be hurt if you feel differently about your new toy. After all, it’s you who matters in your sex life, not just the adventure of trying something new. Plus, there’s so much more you can try if you decide a strap-on isn’t right for you!

“After the first strapping session, it’s easy to get overwhelmed and get unexpected feelings,” Roos explains. “It’s therefore important to be there for each other both physically and emotionally, and have a proper aftercare where you check in on each other and talk about the experience and how it made and makes you feel.”

According to Cat, talking like this after having sex is an essential part of a healthy sex life. “Aftercare is so underrated! It’s more than just rolling over and asking if that was fun, it’s one of the best parts of the sexual experience and can make you feel so much more connected, confident, and turned on for next time,” she says. “So take time after to cuddle, talk, or even just laugh about what happened. Whether it was hot, awkward, or both, processing it together builds intimacy and trust. It’s also a great time to talk about what you might want to try next time.”