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Rachel Charlene Lewis is a writer, editor, and queer woman of color based in North Carolina. Her writing has most recently appeared in Ravishly, Hello Giggles, and elsewhere.
Rachel Charlene Lewis is a writer, editor, and queer woman of color based in North Carolina. Her writing has most recently appeared in Ravishly, Hello Giggles, and elsewhere.
Ah, so the time has come. Maybe you’ve been eying them in secret online. Maybe you’ve never even thought about them. But it’s inevitable — in a queer relationship, strap-on use is going to come up.
While these toys can seem totally intimidating, it’s not really too complicated to get started. Sex toys don’t have to be awkward AF. If you want to give strap-ons a try, check out the following tips so you feel less lost. (Plus, you can even send them to your partner as a little nudge to let them know where your thoughts are headed.)
There are so many dildos in the world. Like, an absurd — and exciting! — amount.
Adventure in your favorite sex shop or go online and find one, or a few, that seem right to you. Starting small could be a good call if your partner has never been penetrated with something other than fingers before, but be sure to talk it out to see what makes the most sense for everyone involved. After all, are you going to go bright and vibrant, or natural tones? So many choices.
Your second decision is picking a harness. While it’s appealing to go for something flashy, make sure you find one that fits. A harness that’s adjustable is best so that you don’t have to buy a new one if you gain or lose a few inches. Focus on comfort, at least for the first time, to avoid squeezing yourself or having it fall off in bed.
Stroll around in the strap-on like nothing is even happening. It’s totally hilarious, and it’ll help break the ice so you and your partner(s) feel used to having the strap-on in your lives. Even if it isn’t in a non-sexual way, just having the strap-on within your line of sight will help silence some jitters and make you both feel less like you have a strange, foreign object in bed with you.
Even though all of us want to be totally perfect in bed 100% of the time, you have to be able to give yourself a break. It’s your first time trying out a strap-on, and only practice makes perfect. Don’t kick yourself if you have to try a few different positions or start and stop. You’re both learning how to do this, together.
Communication is always key, no matter what kind of sex you’re having. Ask your partner how what you’re doing feels, as it’s way more difficult to tell what’s going on down there than is if you’re using your mouth or hand. Don’t just rely on body language to tell you if you’re making a mistake!
Maybe you loved the strap-on, and your partner hated it. Maybe you hated it, and they loved it. Maybe you feel the same way. The only way you’ll know if the strap-on should become a regular part of your routine or reserved for special occasions (or stored in the drawer with the other sex toys you weren’t into) is by talking about it.
Be open about your feelings, and make it clear that no one’s feelings are going to be hurt if you feel differently about your new toy. After all, it’s you that matters in your sex lives, not just the adventure of trying something new. Plus, there’s so much more you can try if you decide a strap-on isn’t right for you!
