The Mayor of Hell, Michigan Has Banned All Straight People from Entering the Town
"Our number one responsibility and priority is to protect Hell."
"Growing up, I was always told that homosexuals would go to Hell, now the heterosexuals are trying to take this from us too." The newly appointed mayor of Hell, Michigan, Elijah Daniel, has banned all straight people from entering his town.
\u201chello, i would like to be the first U.S. mayor to go on record and say "eating ass is dope"\u201d— elijah daniel (@elijah daniel) 1503675519
You might recognize Mayor Daniel as a comedian and popular internet personality. He went viral last year after his erotic Donald Trump fan fiction topped Amazon's Bestsellers list. It seems that Trump inspired more than just Daniel's imagination.
\u201cif Donald Trump, a REALITY STAR can be our president there's no reason why I can't be a politician...\u201d— elijah daniel (@elijah daniel) 1503675519
In a bold and controversial first move as Mayor of Hell, Daniel has banned all straight people from entering his town. "I love straights, but my #1 priority is the safety of my town," he tweeted. "Until the heterosexual threat has been reviewed we cannot allow them to enter."
He released a full statement on Twitter earlier today.
\u201cAs acting mayor of Hell, Michigan I hearby ban all heterosexuals from entering our town.\u201d— elijah daniel (@elijah daniel) 1503675519
"Our number one responsibility and priority is to protect Hell. We are a compassionate town, and we support the heterosexuals, but it's time to reevaluate and strengthen our vetting process. And we can no longer in good conscience allow straights to enter." While his language might not be politically correct, Mayor Daniel's swift actions to protect his citizens are a strong and courageous move towards peace.
But what about the straight people currently residing in town? The ever-so-noble Mayor is making Hell a better place one hetero at a time. "We will also be offering a heterosexual reparative therapy program for hetero residents who would like to denounce their heterosexuality and become gay like the rest of the town. The therapy is not mandatory for heterosexual residents, but it is highly encouraged as all hetero residents who do not participate in reparative therapy will be required to wear a scarlet H and meet in the town center at 5:30am wearing cargo shorts every morning to be publically straight shamed."
\u201cyes I am the first u.s mayor to ban heterosexuality but i hope my act of bravery will inspire fellow politicians to ban straights as well\u201d— elijah daniel (@elijah daniel) 1503675519
Upon a quick google search, one can assume Daniel is a part of the city's Mayor for a Day tourist attraction, in which one can pay $100 to watch over the city for 24 hours. Regardless, this is the best day Hell has seen in a long time.