5 Things We Learned From This Week's American Horror Story: Freak Show

American Horror Story: Freak Show keeps on chugging along in Jupiter, Florida, and despite there being a big birthday to celebrate, nobody's having a grand old time. However, as dismal as things are this week, they're somehow actually a lot less brutal than they could be compared to some past AHS adventures (including nearly all of seasons 2 and 3). But what we lacked in blood and guts and gore we made up for in life lessons, and this week there may have been more than ever!

1. Paul is sleeping with everybody: Okay, not everyone, but when two of the first scenes in the episode feature the less-appreciated Paul the Illustrated Seal (that's actually his official title) sleeping with both Elsa and the Candy Striper, played by Grace Gummer, he might as well hold that title. Elsa's also pretty enamored with him and wants him to be her chauffeur when she moves out to LA (because that's going to happen and go well). Trouble is, Grace Gummer is in love with him too. Who doesn't love a good love triangle that springs from out of nearly nowhere?

2. Don't throw knives at people, even if it's just for fun: This week, Elsa rolls out a giant human bullseye wheel and we are reassured that absolutely no one is going to get brutally stabbed. Just kidding! After Paul informs her that the freaks believe she's behind the mysterious disappearance of the twins, she freaks out and ruins her birthday party by trashing all of their lovely gifts and telling them that they're only alive and well today because she saved them. It's a rather manic show of affection and definitely not a great way to convince people that you didn't do anything drastic and deadly. To prove her point further, she demands that at least one freak demonstrate their trust in her by mounting the wheel and letting her throw knives at them. Jimmy and Paul both volunteer, but Paul ends up in the most unlucky position while a weeping Elsa hurls knives around his spinning body. Unsurprisingly, one of said knives makes its way into his stomach and down Paul goes. However, when we last see him he's still hanging on to life and surrounded by his adoring lovers, so maybe this isn't the end for him. He's really done pretty well this week after all.

3. A wedding to conjoined twins is less fun if one of them hates you: Dandy learns this the hard way, sadly. It's apparently been some time since Elsa dropped the girls off in their new unstable but gorgeous home, and while Bette is adjusting beautifully to her new Prince Charming, Dot is having a less than stellar time. In fact, she's only motivated to stay in the house by the promise of the lots of money Dandy could potentially contribute to her surgery. In a less smart move, Dot's also been writing all her most brutally honest feelings down in a journal, which Dandy discovers. Before this, Dandy had believed these girls were his saving grace and had warmed his cold heart, but now he's back to square one. And we all know how well Dandy handles disappointing news, so even when his mother tries to convince him he may still have a future with Bette, he abandons all hope, grabs a knife, and declares he's just meant to be a murder. He's kinda already declared that (remember the Matt Bomer/abandoned school bus lesson?) but he declares it again and very loudly, so maybe he'll stick with it this time.

4. Friendship is thicker than formaldehyde: With the twins out of the picture, Maggie and Stanley have to really think on their feet to find a different freak to murder and take back to the museum for money. They settle on Ma Petite, the smallest and most helpless of the group, and decide the best murder method will just be to stick her in a jar, drown her in formaldehyde, and run off with her corpse to the museum. Maggie is left to this task, and late one night steals Ma Petite out of her bed for a little chemical fun time. However, just as she's about to do the deed, she realizes Ma Petite is super cute and definitely doesn't deserve to get murdered, so she lets her live. Stanley is less than thrilled that Maggie doesn't have any freak parts to sell for cash and informs her the new and improved plan will now be cutting off Jimmy's lobster hands. This sucks for many reasons, but mostly for Maggie because she's falling in love with Jimmy and has just requested they run away together. You should really expedite that plan while he still has hands, Mags!

5. Kathy Bates doesn't have time for liars: After a hard day of everyone rightfully believing that she sold the twins and that ruins her birthday, Elsa sits down with Ethel for a comforting heart to heart. As they munch on birthday cake and reminisce about their close and loving past, Ethel decides to get real and tell Elsa that, while she loves her, she'd kill her with her bare hands if she actually is the reason the twins are gone. And from the look of next week's episode, we're getting pretty close to that becoming a reality. Now, in a Kathy Bates vs. Jessica Lange showdown, who do we predict wins...?