Gay sex and relationship podcaster Dan Savage is known for inventing new terms that catch on in the zeitgeist. Remember when he came up with pegging or created the neologism “Santorum” to describe the frothy byproduct of anal sex?
Well, he’s at it again, and this time he’s combined “tolerate” and “polyamory” into the new relationship model, “tolyamory.”
As people break away from heteronormativity and the societal expectation that everyone should be monogamous, different relationship models have popped up, like polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, relationship anarchy, living-apart-together. But not everyone is jazzed about opening up their relationship, and that’s where “tolyamory” comes in.
To get to the bottom of what “tolyamory” is, how it’s different from other types of open relationships, and whether LGBTQ+ people are more likely to engage in it, we talked to Ally Iseman, a certified relationship coach and non-monogamy expert at Passport to Pleasure; Edward Reese, a trans nonbinary activist and gender and sexuality expert at LGBTQ+ dating app Taimi and Dr. Yael R. Rosenstock Gonzalez, a sex coach, researcher, and authentic consent practitioner.
What is 'tolyamory,' and where did the term originate?
Tolyamory is a portmanteau of “tolerate” and “polyamory” coined by Savage in 2024 on an episode of his sex and relationship advice podcast Savage Love.
“Basically, it describes a dynamic when one partner in a relationship ‘puts up with’ their partner being non-monogamous (dating or sleeping with people outside of their relationship) without actually being enthusiastic, curious, or emotionally on board with it,” Iseman tells PRIDE.
'"It describes the completely uncommunicated side of the 'don't ask don't tell' spectrum of non-monogamy. There is a level of awareness that behaviors that are not desired are occurring and a general acceptance of that reality without any explicit communication between the partners," adds Rosenstock Gonzalez to PRIDE.
Reese says that compersion — experiencing joy when your partner finds happiness with another sexual or romantic partner — is a cornerstone of polyamorous and consensual non-monogamy relationships, and because that isn’t present in a relationship where someone is just “tolerating” their partner’s other relationship, it can spell disaster.
“When we’re poly, we feel joy when our partners share affection and attention with others, and we’re happy to engage in that,” he says. “In simpler terms, tolyamory can be seen as cheating that doesn’t lead to a breakup.”
How is 'tolyamory' different from polyamory or ethical non-monogamy?
Within any type of polyamory or ethical non-monogamy, “informed mutual consent, clear communication, and ideally, a shared desire to explore beyond monogamy” are all keys to building a healthy relationship. “Tolyamory, on the other hand, is more like a quiet compromise: one partner fully identifies as non-monogamous, while the other kind of grits their teeth and tries to be ‘okay with it’ to keep the relationship going,” Iseman explains.
This often happens when couple rush to open up their relationship before they’ve done the work to make sure they both are on board and know how to face the challenges that can come up in a healthy and responsible way. If you don’t take the time to build that foundation, Iseman says, “one partner ends up physically and/or emotionally outsourcing, while the other spirals in silent resentment or forced performances of compersion.”
Reese agrees and cautions that tolyamory “is not ethical” because without both partners enthusiastically buying in and experiencing compersion, it can lead to “emotional abuse, self-sabotage, and even depression.”
Is it common in the LGBTQ+ community? If so, why or why not?
“Historically, the LGBTQ+ community, especially gay men, has been more open to various forms of ethical non-monogamy,” Reese explains. “Polyamory is also gaining popularity among younger queer folks, with dating apps offering poly options, like Taimi and Feeld, receiving more praise from Gen Z.”
According to Iseman, the LGBTQ+ community is more likely to engage in tolyamory because they’re already eschewing heternormativity and live outside the “normative” relationship model. “Queer folks are often more open to relationship design outside the cishet mononormative script,” Iseman says. “But that doesn’t mean both partners are equally ready or aligned.”
Queer people also frequently feel like there is a scarcity of dating options — and depending on where you live that might be accurate — so they are more likely to accept a relationship structure that they’re not actually interested in, “rather than initiate honest renegotiation,” she says.
They also can come about when couples struggle to communicate their needs and boundaries. "Because monogamy is used as a default relationship structure in many societies, people are often not engaging in conversations about what is and is not considered cheating which leaves a lot of grey space within those relationships," says Rosenstock Gonzalez. "Therefore, tolyamory is likely a very common phenomenon partially due to a lack of clear communication and expression of what is considered acceptable within one's dynamic."
Is it healthy for a relationship?
“Tolyamory is a red flag, not a death sentence. It’s a signal that something in the relational agreement isn’t fully consensual, aligned, or being emotionally tended to,” Iseman explains. “But it can actually be a stepping stone if both partners are willing to talk about what they’re actually feeling—without shame or forced enthusiasm.”
Iseman says that if you don’t deal with these issues it “breeds quiet resentment, performative consent, and rupture” but if you face it head on, “it can become a catalyst for growth, clarity, deeper trust, and a more compassionate redefinition of the relationship.”
Reese agrees and says that tolyamory can be very unhealthy and cruel when one partner is only doing it to keep the relationship from falling apart. “If one partner engages in sexual or romantic relationships with others without the second partner’s consent or even knowledge, it’s a sign of a fundamentally unhealthy relationship,” they say. “Issues like these should be addressed at the very start.”
Iseman says that the term “tolyamory” catching on is a great example of how “internet language can give voice to real relational tension,” but we have to be careful “not to mock or meme-ify people’s pain.”
If it’s occurring in your relationship, what is the best way to handle it?
Talking about it using “I” statements instead of accusatory language can help to open the lines of communication with your partner. According to Iseman, if you’re already in the middle of a polyamory relationship, you should both be asking, “Are you both consenting to the same version of this relationship? Are boundaries clear, dynamic, and co-created?”
Rosenstock Gonzalez suggests approaching the conversation by explaining how the dynamic is impacting you emotionally. "Be open to naming what causes pain," she advises. "If you don't yet know what the specifics are, a great way to start is to stick to naming how you are feeling as a result of observable actions [and] situations (rather than your interpretations and assumptions) and sharing your fears (rather than accusations)."
Both Reese and Iseman recommend reaching out to ethical non-monogamy-informed coaches, therapists, and community spaces to help you navigate this potential minefield.
“Couple’s therapy is a common path for many, but labeling cheating with a new trendy term won’t solve the underlying problem,” Reese cautions.
Sources cited:
Ally Iseman, a certified relationship coach and non-monogamy expert at Passport to Pleasure.
Edward Reese, a trans nonbinary activist and gender and sexuality expert at LGBTQ+ dating app Taimi.
Dr. Yael R. Rosenstock Gonzalez, a sex coach, researcher, certified EroSomatic Touch Practitioner, sex doula, and authentic consent practitioner.
