9 beginner tips for outercourse from sapphic sex experts

What is outercourse?

Outercourse is focused on external touch and encompasses anything that isn’t intercourse or penetration. This can include anything from kissing, breast and nipple play, touching, stroking, sensual massage, fingering without penetration, dry humping, or more advanced moves like bondage, heat play, or using non-penetrative sex toys.

“Outercourse is an umbrella term for ways of having sex that doesn't involve penetration, which is a common sex form especially for queer women, and it can be anything from kisses and caresses to the use of vibrators, dry humping and everything in between,” Roos tells PRIDE.

For some, outercourse is the "main dish" of the meal, while other people may prefer to combine it "with penetrative sessions,” she says. But whether you want to go all in on outercourse or want to include it as foreplay, our experts have tips and tricks for you.

1. Start slow

When you’re new to any sexual technique or position, taking it slow is always good advice, but Roos says that it’s especially important with outercourse since you’re trying to ramp each other up. “To let things take time will make it more pleasurable as outercourse is something based much on building up a tension between you,” she explains. “So remember that you’re not in a rush!”

2. Talk about what you like and don’t like

Communication is key when it comes to good sex, and this is true for outercourse as well. Before you get started, have a conversation about what you and your partner like and don’t like, and whether either of you has any hard limits. “What feels good during outercourse is very individual, so talk about your preferences and boundaries, and what you’d like to try and what doesn't feel comfortable,” Roos advises.

3. Embrace zero penetration

Penetration doesn’t have to be the pinnacle of every sexual experience. Change your thinking and embrace getting off with outercourse. “It's the attitude adjustment needed to truly lose the very common notion that anything that isn't intercourse/penetrative isn't really sex or doesn't count as much as penetration does,” Queens says. “To make the most of outercourse you have to really embrace it.”

4. Touch can be sexy

Your body is covered in nerve endings, so don’t just focus on genitals, get familiar with your partner’s whole body. “Remember that the skin is an erotic organ,” Queen says. “It is covered with nerve endings that power arousal. Stroke your partner all over and ask them what kind of touch they like the most.”

5. Try different positions

Don’t get stuck in missionary or lying next to each other, get creative and mix it up! “The position during outercourse is as important as during penetrative sex, so make sure to try different ones as well as to play around with the angle,” Roos says.

6. Kissing is hot

Once you leave high school, people often stop having long make out sessions and move straight sex, but a make out sesh with groping, grinding, and touching can be extremely hot. “Make out like it IS the sex,” Queen recommends. “Some people can orgasm just from kissing, so in fact making out is not simply an on-ramp to having sex. So give it the respect! Ask your partner to show you how they like to be kissed.”

7. Don’t forget the lube!

You might think that if there is no penetration involved in outercourse by definition, then you won’t need lube, but you’d be wrong. Lube is always going to be your best friend during sexual encounters, even when you’re only touching the outside of your partner’s body. “Lube just makes outercourse more fun and enjoyable, especially during grinding without any clothes on, during massage or during outercourse fingering, so make sure to use a lot and add more when needed during the sesh,” Roos recommends.

8. Leave the performance behind

It’s easy to get stuck in your head and start worrying about how you look or sound during sex, but focusing on your “performance” is a sure way to bad sex and feeling like you have to fake an orgasm. No one wants that. So relax, forget about how you look, and try to focus on your partner and the sensations you’re feeling. “As with all sex forms, you should not think about how you look or how you perform, but instead focus on how it feels and on the connection with your partner,” Roos says. “So try to relax, be in the moment and let your body take you where it feels good.”

9. Tease your partner

Don’t rush things, take your time ramping your partner up through massage, sensual touch, and grinding before you move on to the main course. “The ‘sexy bits’—nipples, vulva, ass—are definitely part of outercourse play, but don't start there, and even when you get there, tease them, sneak up on them, and start light before you get intense,” Queen says.

Sources cited:

Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist and author at relationship magazine Passionerad.

Carol Queen, Good Vibes staff sexologist, curator of the Antique Vibrator Museum, and co-author of The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.