3 Reasons Bisexuality Isn't About the Sex

False beliefs or stereotypes about bisexuality often seem to have a bigger focus on sex than with any other orientation or identity. 

Bisexuals are slutty. Bisexuals have daily orgies (or at least a weekly threesome). Bisexuals cannot be monogamous; they need to always be sleeping with people of different sexes or genders. Bisexuals have more sex because they have a wider pool of people to choose from.

So it seems that more often than not we bi folks are asked about our sexual conduct before anything else.

Are we a "gold star bisexual," (that is, a bisexual who's slept with both men and women)? Have we ever had a threesome or would we consider it? Do we enjoy sleeping with one sex more than another? When we're in a relationship do we miss sleeping with people of a different sex than our partner?

These questions happen so often, and we are asked about our sexual conduct so often, that it's become expected. We know what people are going to ask. We know we're going to have our sex lives put under a microscope.

But where does this focus come from? Why are we so obsessed with bi folks' sex lives? Why is it that the only way for us bisexuals to prove ourselves is to share information about our sex lives? The whole situation seems absurd, especially because being bisexual really doesn't have anything to do with specific sexual situations, behaviors or acts. 

For the following reasons and so many more, being bisexual isn't about who you're sharing your bed with:

1. Potential vs. Action

Being bisexual is about having the potential to be attracted to multiple genders. Who bisexuals are having sex with at any given moment doesn't have anything to do with their bisexuality as a whole.

This is how bisexuals are able to marry one person and still remain bisexual. The ability to be attracted to multiple genders is what makes them bisexual. It doesn't matter if they're only having sex with their one partner for the rest of their lives -- that person is still bisexual.

There is a difference between sexual orientation and sexual conduct, between what we have the potential to be interested in and what we actually do.

2. There's No Need For a P and a V

One of the most common and frustrating inquiries bisexuals get is the "Have you slept with both a man and a woman" question. Most of the time, people are conflating gender with sex and what they are really asking about plumbing, not gender. What they really want to know is if we've had sex with a person with a penis and a person with a vagina. 

This is a question that bisexuals should not have to answer (or even be asked) because we are completely capable of being bisexual even if they haven't had sex with people with differing genitalia; ie. we don't need to have sex with a person with a penis and a person with a vagina to know we're bi.

Hell, we could go our entire lives only sleeping with one sex and still be just as bisexual as any other bisexual. There is no rule saying otherwise. Again, all that matters is that the potential for any kind of attraction is there.

3. Virginity/Abstinence/Celibacy are things

There are several valid options that would result in a person not having sex, and in every one of those cases, the person can still be bi.

For instance, loads of bisexuals around the world realized their bisexuality before ever having any sex at all (the author of this article, for example). 

One study found that LGB folks experienced their first same-sex attraction at age 8 or 9 on average, a statistic that checks out when you think about how many of us point to early adolescence as the time we first knew or suspected that we were L, G, or B. Clearly sex itself is not integral to our identities when we're crushing on people of our same gender/sex in elementary school.

Abstinence and/or celibacy is also something to keep in mind here. Many people make the decision to abstain from sex until marriage, meaning that they will most likely only be having sex with their spouse indefinitely. That person can still be bisexual. Others choose to be celibate for a small period of time or for years, and during that time they are also #StillBisexual.

What it comes down to is this:

Bisexual folks are not bisexual because of who we sleep with. We are bisexual because of potential attraction. Our defining feature is not who we have sex with, and it should not be treated as such.