Following Glee's more lesbian-than-Lilith Fair / “Ladies' Music Week” episode last week, this week's sectionals' episode left me longing for more of - frankly - the ladies! The episode, entitled “Hold on to Sixteen,” offered up the oft self-absorbed Rachel teaching the forever selfish Quinn some life lessons, but beyond that story arc, the Troubletones and a few Brittana hand holding moments the episode lacked something -- let's call it estrogen. There's really only so much Finn I can take, and I've had my fill recently...
But since I'm committed to recapping Glee's more lesbian-ish moments, here we go!
Ep. 3.8, “Hold on to Sixteen"
While it's not Santana / Brittany related, the episode does start out strong with Quinn (Dianna Agron) approaching Rachel (Lea Michele) at her locker. Note the rainbow flag in LGBT ally Rachel's locker! Something tells me real-life LGBT ally Lea may even have a rainbow flag hanging from her trailer.
New Directions is gearing up to face off at sectionals against rival in-house girl-power glee group The Troubletones, and they must do it sans the vocal stylings of one Ms. Berry since she got herself suspended and banned from sectionals for stuffing the class president ballot box in Kurt's favor. Since it looks as though New Directions is screwed without Rachel and having to go up against Mercedes and Santana, Rachel offers vocal coaching help to Quinn to help them with a win. But Quinn, who's just plain hateful and soulless this season -- poor Dianna for having to portray such one-note mess -- intends to sabotage the Troubletones by spreading the truth that Miss Shelby Corcoran (Idina Menzel) is hooking up with Puck.
Rachel attempts to stem the tide of Quinn's miserable plan by explaining to little Miss Hateful that while the fling may be on the icky side, it's not illegal, and it will not only ruin Miss Corcoran's career and harm her relationship with her adopted daughter Beth (Quinn and Puck's bio daughter).
Realizing the New Directions are likely to get trounced at sectionals by the powerhouse that is Mercedes and Santana, Finn hatches a brilliant plan to bring Sam (Chord Overstreet) back from out of state. Really? Sam? I mean, Trouty Mouth is adorable and all, and he can carry a tune, but he's no big belter.
Once Rachel and Finn rescue Sam from his job, shaking his chonies for the ladies as a Chippendales' type dancer at a reputable establishment called The Stallion, Sam returns to deliver a rousing (cue the sound of me sleeping) version of Toby Keith's “Red Solo Cup.”
Just as the New Directions finish the first number of the evening Santana enters to deliver a love poem of sorts basically addressed to Sam's lusciously large lips. “Welcome back Lisa Rinna,” Santana begins, and it only devolves from there. It looked for a moment as though Santana would ease up her delightful bitchiness once she was fully out and able to be herself, but she's still slinging zingers. But Sam, being the good guy that he is, just smiles at Santana and says he's missed her too.
Later, Blaine (Darren Criss) and Sam get into a shoving match over Sam's strategy of bringing male crotch popping to glee club to bump up the sexy factor. Just say that sentence aloud a few times. Yes, it is ridiculous. Finn, being the great hope that he's becoming - just consider how he outed Santana and then managed to come off like a hero - makes nice with Blaine so that New Directions will have the advantage of all the fellas to help them win sectionals. At this point the episode has turning into a bit of a masculine bonding retreat.
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Back stage at sectionals New Directions is warming up when The Troubletones arrive, looking smokin' - although, Tina (Jenna Ushkowitz) and Quinn are rather striking in their white tux and tie ensembles.
In her munificence Santana has come up with a contingency plan should New Directions bite it at sectionals.
“In the event of a New Directions loss, Troubletones has voted to allow any of you to join us at regionals,” Miss Corcoran explains on Santana's behalf.
“That is incredibly rude Santana,” that faux do-gooder Finn says.
Luckily, Santana has a quip to lighten Finn's dreariness. “I'm being nice. It would be rude if I followed you around and every time you took a step I played a note on a tuba,” she says.
Quinn chimes in that New Directions will win, coolly suggesting to Miss Corcoran that she's about to out her relationship with Puck.
First up at sectionals is the Unitards singing “Buenos Aires” from Evita, a number that the old show queen in me just adores. Rachel and Kurt can't help but to sing along with the catchy tune performed by an up and comer.
Just as The Troubletones are about to perform Quinn leaves the auditorium to drop the bomb on Miss Corcoran. Rachel attempts to stop Quinn as she heads straight to Shelby (Miss Corcoran) to threaten her. But Shelby is unfazed. Quinn's first mistake was thinking she could ever face off with a diva like Idina Menzel (and yes, I know the actress and character are not the same - sort of).
Next up, the Troubletones perform their Mercedes / Santana led mash-up of “I Will Survive” and “Survivor.” Just as Finn leans back to say “we got this” to Blaine, the gals bust out with a killer girl-on-girl tango that would make Carrie Ann Inaba sit up and bust out with a “10.”
For those of you who've missed it, I will not attempt to describe the beauty of Brittany (Heather Morris) dipping Santana and vice versa. It's just better to watch.
Cut to New Directions' performance, and Tina kicks off a medley of Jackson's songs including “ABC,” “Control” and “Man in the Mirror.” All of the glee club boys get to show off their vocal chops but the secret weapon, we're led to believe, is Sam's crotch popping.
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Frankly, the highlight of New Directions' performance for me is Quinn and Tina getting into a ballroom dance hold as they run off stage.
Next, the judges have made their decision, and the glee club heading to sectionals is -- wait for it -- the New Directions! And it's like every freaking season of American Idol since Jordin Sparks won. Tween girls with crushes vote for cute boys, only the judges were older women and the town clown, so that makes sense.
In a dramatic edit, the lights go down on the Troubletones to the sound of a door closing. Nice metaphor!
Quinn and Rachel have a sweet moment during which Quinn essentially says she no longer wants to be a raging bitch, and that she has decided to end her terror by not outing Shelby for her dalliance with Puck. Quinn and Rachel discuss college, and Rachel offers to help Quinn with her application to Yale Drama??? Aim high Quinn!
Cut to the busiest room in school - the girl's bathroom - and Santana's doing Brittany's make up while the two of them Monday morning quarterback sectionals with Mercedes.
“We were better,” Mercedes says.
“I don't know. I think it could have gone either way,” Brittany says.
“It was that damned Trouty Mouth,” Santana says. “Even I felt something in my lady loins when he did that magic sex dance.”
Just then Quinn enters and the Troubletones let it be known that they're in no mood for a pep talk, or for being convinced to rejoin New Directions. But Quinn has an offer they can't refuse - to rejoin the glee club with the promise that Mercedes and Santana won't be relegated to singing backup and harmony for Rachel and Blaine.
Quinn offers a speech about growing up, now that she's done a little of that.
“I love glee club. I love you girls,” Quinn says, explaining that she wants the old gang back together.
Somehow Quinn moves Santana enough that she nudges Brittany's hand for her to hold it. Cue the sound of “AWWWWWs” from couches throughout the land. And, Santana holds hands with hers on the bottom. I'm not sure what one can surmise from that but I am sure it's significant!
Quinn announces that New Directions is performing a big number to celebrate the win and says they could use some more girl voices. Cut to Rachel kicking off Fun.'s (with Janelle Monae) “We Are Young.” Partway through the song the Troubletones enter and Mercedes belts out a few notes announcing their presence. In a very cheesy but “aw” inducing final few moments the New Directions and the Troubletones become one. There's more Brittany and Santana hand holding, a Mercedes and Quinn dance hold, a Rachel / Santana hand hold and a Mercedes and Rachel hug, so for a show that started out very testosteroney, things geared up for the girls in the end. Let's say it together - “Awwwww!"
Tune in next week, and the week after, and the week after, and the week after. One of these episodes Brittana might actually seal their relationship with an on-screen kiss!
