When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant message. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?
SheWired.com Senior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along... especially when they're getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.
Sharon Stone scares the bejesus out of hapless auction goers and telling them to "shut the fuck up" at the LA Gay and Lesbian Center's Women's Night. Heartbreaker Salma Hayek marries her billionaire boy breaking lesbian hearts worldwide while Pink's back with her hubby Carey Hart. Back to her pre-Jenny size, Kirstie Alley appears on Oprah to chat about regaining weight. Whoops. Plus, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and farewell to the iconic Bea Arthur.
RvM: What’s this mess I hear you blabbin’ over there... That you wanna play with your phone. Go play somewhere else pig?
TEG: Hold on. It's my free Blackberry and I don't even know how to put it on vibrate yet. So you're safe.
RvM: Thank god. That's news to quit over.
TEG: Watch out though. When I'm able to update my Facebook profile pic while I'm passed out in a ditch outside the Abbey with my shirt around my ears, you're gonna be really sorry!
RvM: Eh, you’re sinking your own battleship there. I vowed long ago never to update my Facebook after two Rob-Roys and a hit of puff.
TEG: I'm just saying... it's going to be a mess. Alright.
RvM: So what shall we discuss first nasty?
TEG: Well, I was out at an Evening of Women where Sharon Stone berated the entire crowd. It was kind of hot.
RvM: She's famous for that. Doesn't she cuss, scream and then flash her beaver?
TEG: She did cuss and scream. She screamed "shut the fuck up" since everyone was blabbing through the live auction. I was at the open bar dropping quarters so I could look up a cute girl's dress.
RvM: See, you have become that pig, like that puffy little pervert from splash. What's next? Offering the hooters girls $15 to motorboat you.
TEG: If I had $15 that would be great. For now I have to settle for drunk, gay, frat boys motor-boating for kicks. That's why I was at the open bar and not tossing my life's saving at Bette Midler tix, like one of my friends did.
RvM: I have a friend who got shit faced at one of those, spent $500 on two tix to Disneyland during buy one, get one free SoCal residents month. I hate auctions.
TEG: Seriously, I had to walk away for fear I'd lift my drink at the wrong moment and I'd have bought a date doing Patron shooters with Michelle Rodriguez in a dive Mexican joint.
RvM: Oh please. You’d go on unemployment for that experience. So, are you devastated that Salma tied the knot with frenchie? Apparently, Salma, Charlize Theron and Bono did a trio of stand by me at the after party.
TEG: I love it! I hope they got to the chorus and Salma distracted Bono with her magnificent chi-chis -- as Michael K would say -- while Charlize drop kicked him out of the way. Then Salma and Charlize dueted on You Don't Bring Me Flowers.
RvM: Just as long as they don’t do "Closer to Fine" -- the last thing I need is my Charlize going all Charlez!
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TEG: Charlez please! You saw the way she tongued Penelope in Head in the Clouds! Between that and roller dancing to "Don't Stop Believing" with Ricci, Charlize is one girl-on-girl role away from being a full-on homo!
RvM: Pretty much. But she seems more gay man than lez. She loves the bronzer, the beach and the blow, no?
TEG: That's the word. But you didn't hear it from me. She smokes weed from an apple.
RvM: No, I heard it from Rona Barrett.
TEG: Old school gossip girl. With frosted tips right?
RvM: Right? So, did you hear about Lady GaGa almost getting arrested in Russia for wearing leather.
TEG: So you can wear four million chinchillas on your fucking head but no leather? That's just wrong.
RvM: I know -- but maybe it was where she was wearing the leather.... It was her, some leather Speedo bottom and a riding crop.
TEG: So the leather wasn't the problem. The beaver was? Talk about a "Poker Face."
RvM: HAHAHAHA. I love it. So you gimme something juicy. I’m sick of doing all the heavy lifting.
TEG: Well, poor Kirstie -- Chinese Food addict -- Alley is going on Oprah Thursday to discuss her weight gain. Like that's not rubbing it in Oprah's face. Meanwhile, I'm trying to land an interview with my Valerie.
RvM: Yes, I know. I wonder if Kirstie Alley has a Barbara Cooper voodoo doll yet. Last time Kirstie was on Oprah, she cane out in a bathing suit. What do you think she's coming out in this time? A muu muu? A kimono? Spanx, Birkenstocks and poncho?
TEG: I say she should sport that same old bikini. Big girls are all the rage. At least that's what I'm telling myself as I down nachos and Grey Goose at The Abbey on a Sunday.
RvM: Awww. Big girls are the rage. Just ask Latifah.
TEG: So...I'm being IM'ed that there's a website that claims Aniston prefers women! Duh... Like David Arquette hasn't known that for years.
RvM: Thats such a lie. Next thing you’re gonna tell me Hasselbeck and Meghan McCain have some fish action going.
TEG: Hasselbeck has a past. I guarantee you that uptight hotass had it off with half the halfbacks on her high school soccer team.
RvM: Seriously. I have a question. Do you have a wasp fetish? ‘Cuz I look at her and just think "only knows one position, likes to cuddle after, wants to show everyone who comes over her slam book." I'd rather pay a midget to get me off than spend one hour with her.
TEG: I have a bitch fetish. Yes and you're right. I'm sure she's all missionary all the time. And I'm lazy. So we wouldn't have much going on. Anyway... Miss Cali --fucking --Fornia? From one uptight Repub to another.
RvM: Yeah. She's dumb. Went to some tent revival church from my hometown of San Diego. Her and 12,999 other uppity, boring, never-been-laid bitches with promise rings and a seriously depressed vag who'd rather attack the gays than stare their own seriously demented sex woes in the mirror.
TEG: Oh... did I ever tell you that the star of a documentary on teens who take that oath to save it till marriage downed two rum and cokes in the hospitality suite of a film fest I was covering and then felt up my thigh? She was in college by that point but still.
RvM: I love that. And then the two of you danced to "I've Had the Time of My Life" before the rum wore off and she put your ass in the corner?
TEG: Put my ass in the corner? Her publicist beat the shit out of me and told me I was ruining her career.
RvM: Please, and where is that bitch now? Speaking of bitches, did you see Britney Jean Spears' tampon string? What in Summers' Eve gay hell is that shit about?
TEG: To my chagrin. Yes I did. Oh Lord. Girl needs an intervention.
RvM: I wanna slather massengil on my thighs, drown my waistline in douche, Purell myself head to toe, and deep-fry myself in KY before getting near that shit. She's a hooch.
TEG: Oh you are nasty. Like you boys are so lovely. Poor Brit. Every time that poor dumb girl walks out on stage she humiliates herself. Kind of like Lindsay on Ellen. BTW...Sam Ronson spun at Women's Night. And I don’t know if Lindsay had put a hex on her, the drugs hadn't kicked in or what the fuck was going on but she kinda blew. When you can't get 100 40-and-over ladies to dance to vintage Prince, you're fucked.
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RvM: She's kinda like Chi-Chi La Rue I hear. Learned to spin on a fisher price tape deck. Any ole queen can play Paula Abdul's forever your girl followed by a Debbie Gibson mega mix. Pink is back with her hubby, btw. Says they admire Susan S. and Tim Robbins and Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell cuz they don’t do labels. I love that chick. Now if she'd just do Jell-o shots with Susan and Goldie and tape that thing, your little lesbian heart might sputter.
TEG: I wish. Jell-o shots with Goldie? Do Jell-o and silicone mix? YES! I love the Pink! She's broken my heart though. That Carey Hart is a lucky bitch. I love a girl who can throw down shots with me and then sling me over her shoulder and haul me out of the bar. All 5' 1" of her. And sing me a lullaby while I pass out in the back seat of her car.
RvM: I don’t think Pink sings lullabies. But I can picture her doing some jig while she clenches a beer stein between her jugs.
TEG: And I'm sure she has the St. Pauli Girl outfit to match. Anyhoo. I'm so sorry about Bea Arthur. Did you do a Golden Girls' marathon with your boys?
RvM: No -- I didn't. I ran to get a cheesecake but they were sold out. So instead, I just did what I always do. Gathered my Rose, my Blanche and my Sophia, act like the domineering wise ass, down three rum and cokes to get my voice down to a low baritone and don an oversized frock bedazzled in glitter. God I'll miss that woman
TEG: Aww. Well, since I'm from a different era, I donned a long belted sweater, spewed mid-seventies feminist theory and argued with Adrienne Barbeau for 30 minutes with commercials.
RvM: Just don’t tell me you ran out and had an abortion. As Wanda Sykes says, "girl, you wanna go out and do something crazy?"
TEG: That Bea Arthur broke some ground as Maude. And I tell you, I and my parents thank the good Lord I'm a lez!
RvM: What English class did you flunk? I and my parents. Please. Are you gonna start talking about yourself in the third person and starring in B-grade titty pics with Hayek?
TEG: Oh piss off with the grammar, you who writes in hieroglyphics. was fiddling with my BlackBerrry and no, that's not a euphemism.
RvM: I’m not taking that stale bait. So I’m pissed. I got myself all kinds of ready to spend Friday evening with Beyonce, Ali Larter and my juju bees and that fucking shit was sold out.
TEG: Please bitch. Any self-confessed camp queen would have scheduled the day off and stood in line at the Grove all day for tix. And don't tell me you didn't get a pack of Juju Bees at the Rite Aid and drown your tears in them.
RvM: I tried. We had to do a cultural Friday afternoon and while everyone else went to the Hammer Museum, I went to spend the evening with Beyonce. Don’t think that counts. Anyway, it's not a total wash. I met up with friends, drank at Pink Taco, and ended up having a riveting convo about that bitch Miss Calif. with the former Miss Teen USA 2006.
TEG: I love it. She spilled about Trump's lil' pet project Tara Conner right?
RvM: Yeah... They did blow, drank a ton, did some naughty things with Miss Universe and now she's majoring in marketing at UCLA.
TEG: Isn't that the way it goes? I never had a thing for pageant girls but I think I'm getting there. I mean... Vanessa Williams not withstanding. That bitch is smokin'.
RvM: Right? And I’m sure she sent a cookie tray laced with cyanide to Carrie Prejean's house. Vanessa loves her gays. Don’t fuck with ‘em.
TEG: Amen. Yes she does. Poor Ms. Prejean. She needs to eat a beignet or 15 and shut the hell up.
RvM: Well, not that I don’t enjoy spending two hours of my life with you, but I have a real job. So I’m signing off. Before I go though,
TEG: Yeah. Okay. I think I'm going to go shopping for pet treats, rent season three of South of Nowhere and settle in for a night with my cat.
RvM: You still need to rent it. How much money do you owe Blockbuster?
TEG: Well, I did have to pawn some turquoise to pay off my late fees but I'm good with Blockbuster. Ciao.
RvM: You and Shirley MaClaine. Only she was renting books on tape by Sylvia Browne. Ok I’m done. Later. Over the hill sk8er.
