The L Word Rewind: 'Least Likely' Recaps

Welcome back to SheWired's L Word recaps. This week on an episode entitled "Least Likely," Ilene Chaiken and the Gang dropped the first clue in helping to solve the PoMo crime of the century. But, just so you don't burn your brains too much attempting to solve the mystery of "Who Killed Jenny Schecter" -- and especially don't take bets on naming the killer -- Chaiken told the LA Timeslast week that she has no intention of ever solving the crime.

The offing of Jenny Schecter is sure to land right up there with other great unsolved mysteries including Amelia Earhart's disappearance, the Lindbergh Baby kidnapping, The Black Dahlia murder and the Sopranos' ending. We may never know who disposed of our little Jenny, although I'm guessing it might just have been Mia Kirshner, who likely just couldn't pull another personality out of her ass should the L Word have a life after Showtime.

So, let's dive in to "Least Likely," with its prologue rife with enough earnestly trendy pop culture references to make Diablo Cody appear dated.  An opening shot reveals Niki Stevens kicking it with the Chateau Marmont Hollywood poser crowd. As vapid as she is, apparently a good -- let's call it what it is -- grudge fuck and subsequent walk of shame home from West Hollywood to the Sunset Strip doesn't sit well with Ms. Stevens (Kate French), who's ignoring the bikini-clad blonde on her bed and obsessing about her final romp with everyone's fave batshit nuts L Word babe Jenny.

Since Niki, her friends and apparently the L Word audience is comprised of complete dumbasses, a full 30 seconds -- or what feels like the time it takes to get out of a traffic ticket in traffic court -- is devoted to Googling the definition of "Showmance," the industry term Jenny used to describe her trailer-made, lunchtime hook-ups with Lez Girls' star.

"She fucks me all night long..." Niki says, bemoaning that Jenny used her and kicked her to the Weho curb. Well, and thank the Gods for that break-up sex because it jolted me out of the long winter's nap I was slipping into during the season premiere, And let's face it, The L Word does break-up sex really well, as evidenced by Bette and Tina's controversial -- break up so that Bette can openly date the carpenter, so they can make up to have a baby only so Tina can break up to indulge in online hetero sex and leave her for Henry, so that they can make up and Bette can cheat on Jodi -- sex at Season One's close.

Anyway, back to Niki. She's spinning out in a full-on Lindsay Lohan style rage at Lindsay's old digs --the Chateau -- kicking hot women out of her room and taking to the balcony for a soliloquy of Shakespearean scope.

"You're a liar and a user..." Niki says. And then, as part of the show's ever-evolving stab at self-reflexivity, Niki quotes that erudite academic of pointed words and hot delts, Bette Porter.  "You're dead meat Schecter. Dead!"

Brace yourselves. It's the Betty theme song countdown. Only seven more times to go. So have a slash, mix a drink, feed your pet, gouge out your eardrums, whatever works. Alright, I'll cop, I actually don't hate the Betty song. I just like climbing on the bandwagon once in a while.

Now that I've waxed on about the intro for 800 words, let's see if I can wrap the rest of this up in a neater little package...

Back at the Planet, where apparently the only people with actual jobs are the Planet and Hit club hot-ass co-owners Kit and Helena, who are playing dress-up with a drag queen who appears to be a tad smitten with Kit and her Pam Grierness.  Actually, I'm not going to lie. I was in the bathroom during Betty and I kind of missed it, so I'm not sure what's happening, but I'm predicting Kit's wardrobe expands exponentially with size 11 heels, sequined and lamay wraps and plenty of fancy chapeaus.

Beyond the office doors, the Jenny / Shane Battle for the Planet continues. Alice and Jenny are playing dueling screenplays or else, it's a high-tech game of Battleship. Meanwhile, Shane's pulling out all stops to woo Jenny back to her fold...with waffles no less. Okay...here's where the L Word really jumps the shark. It's West Hollywood. Nobody eats in public here, unless it's a dressing-free salad and half of it's left on the plate while the person who ordered it sips a Grey Goose and Red Bull and smokes a fag.

The L Word's Ross and Rachel, Bette and Tina, turn up at the Planet thankful for Helena's rich girl touches...ie. the valet, which for plebes like me, generally just sets me off into a rage and that's why end up riding my beach cruiser all around town-well that and my tendency to drink and not drive.

Anyway, our power couple does a double set of Rock, Paper, Scissors to ascertain who'll sit with Jenny and who'll sit with Shane. Did I miss something? Everyone fucking hates Jenny. Isn't Shane her only friend? I mean really, Jenny should be sitting with Shane since everyone else basically tolerates her solipsistic ass. I guess that doesn't make for good drama.

Alpha Bette loses at Rock, Paper Scissors, because, brilliant as she is, she's implacable and insists on throwing "Rock" every time. Yeah, it's a metaphor, but I'm ignoring it. Tina's sussed out Bette's penchant for being the "Rock," and is the reigning queen of "Rock, Paper, Scissors." Upon determining the seating arrangements, a light, fun moment worthy of Season One occurs between the power couple.

"Have fun with the martyrs," Bette mocks.

"Have fun with the cheaters," Tina responds, followed by a sarcastic peck on the lips...very adorable indeed.

Back to the meta-L Word. Alice announces she's working on a treatment for a script so that she'll sell it for millions and retire peacefully in mudslide and fire-prone Malibu, which is not entirely unlike Jenny's rise and immediate fall from Lez Girls' grace.

Just as quickly as she lands at the Jenny table -- I'm sorry, but how is that winning? --Tina unwittingly throws poor Alice under a bus offering Jenny up as screenplay pedagogue. Sure, Jenny offers to help filch --I mean refine -- Alice's script.

Meanwhile, Tash is smokin' in a suit that's sure to land Rose Rollins a guest spot on Law and Order SVU as a Mariska Hargitay's Olivia Benson's heir apparent. It turns out, it's Tasha's first day of school at the police academy.

Tina, a mistress at under-the-bus-tossing this morning, mentions the dirty "T" word -- therapy-- to Alice and Tash. It seems Gossip Girl Alice spilled that she and Tasha are going the way of Dan Foxworthy, who did wonders for Bette and Tina Season One, by the way. Bette practically leapt from Foxworthy's couch to humping a prison wall for the carpenter.

Emerging from her meeting with Kit and the drag queen, Helena is sleeveless and ready for a run. A note to Rachel Shelley and her "people," like Jennifer Beals, Rachel should have a "No Sleeves Allowed,' clause written in to all of her contracts. Apparently the only one of the bunch with any sense, Helena refuses to side with the Heathers and opts for neutrality -- or maybe she's just a good business woman. Alice predictably refers to Helena as Switzerland for her neutrality, or maybe it's just because Helena likely speaks six languages.

Jodi's been out of Bette's picture for all of a week?? in L Word time and Bette and Tina announce they're going tres trendy Hollywood and adopting a baby. Plus, they'll be adding an addition to their house, because the economy blows and they just can't sell and get a bigger place to raise their brood at this point. The construction announcement perks lil Jenny's ears right up. "How am I supposed to write?" with all the construction, Jenny pissily wonders. And frankly, I don't blame her. Clad in my t-shirt, underwear and slippers, I have once or twice in my life screamed mercilessly at bright and bushy-tailed construction workers wielding heavy machinery at 7 a.m.

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Back at Jenny's house of ill repute, Shane toils away on beatifying her garden. Yeah, that's likely a metaphor as well, but I'm ignoring it. Max and his bf Tom turn up and Max wonders how much longer Shane intends to play houseboy to a thankless Jenny. But wait for it... this is stunning camera work. Max is shot from behind for ninety percent of the shot. In fact we only know it's Max from Daniela Sea's dulcet tones. That said...wait for it....wait for it....wait for it. Big reveal! Max is sporting a G.I. Joe beard. I think the make-up department shaved a shit load of Moira's G.I. Joes and glued them to Max's face. Poor Max. He rocked that soul patch but this whole trend toward full-on facial hair -- i.e. Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling and Joaquin Phoenix -- is just grubby no matter who's sporting it.

After her morning coffee hour Tina's outnumbered at a Shaolin Studios meeting. The marketing team has revealed it's latest Midol ad - I mean poster for Jenny's lil stolen girl-on-girl film. That's right Lez Girls is now The Girls and Tina is pissed. A pink-hued poster depicting a happy -- yawn -- hetero couple in love dominates the frame. Market research has determined that audiences prefer when the boy gets the girl who experiments with girls but comes to her senses and hops on him in the end. And judging by number of lesbian storylines on television that have gone straight, The L Word might be on to something. Are you listening Grey's Anatomy and Nip / Tuck?

"Get on board Tina, this train isn't going to Lezzietown," says that tosser producer or whatever the hell his title is, Aaron.

Back at Hot Lesbian U. Jodi's holding court at a faculty meeting, entertaining the pervy old profs with a glowing review of her "Fuck Bette Porter" Multimedia Installation piece, or since Jodi's supposedly famous for using "found" objects, what I like to call The Blair Witch Project: The Bette Porter Files.

Chuffed about her new addition, which is liable to annoy the crap out of Jenny, Bette interrupts the meeting late and chatting with a contractor. There's no love lost between these two titans of the art world. Bette needs to talk to Jodi, who instructs her to set up a meeting with Tom the interpreter. But Tom's about to encounter a shit storm of hetero hell that'll make him wish he'd stuck to vacuous twink boys at The Abbey.

Cut to Max at the doctor's for his final consult for top surgery. He's talking muscle mass, contouring chest hair etc... when his doc delivers a real dose of art imitating life, or at least of a post modern television show off the rails imitating a media frenzy spurred by the subject. Yep! Max is the L Word's Thomas Beattie, only he went and got pregnant the good ole fashioned way -- engaging in unprotected sex with a boy!

While Tom takes Max's wake-up call, Bette follows Phyllis to her office to bitch about her upstart subordinate Jodi. Like a naughty game of "Hide - n - Seek" Phyllis' lady love, a buck-naked Joyce Wishnia (Jane Lynch), hops out from behind a desk or a ficus tree in the office.

"Joyce, cover your junk," Phyllis exclaims.

All this sends Bette running for cover. But not Joyce. She's "a woman in love," and in furthering the L Word's devotion to become a topical, historical artifact to be studied for years to come, Joyce asks for Phyllis' hand in marriage while the State of California still allows it.

"Gavin said he'd marry us," Joyce namedrops. Phyllis says yes and the happy couple jump around and giggle like a pair of Sapphic schoolgirls.

Next up, it's the L Word's Citizen Kane moment with Alice and Tasha planted at either ends of Dan Foxworthy's couch, miles of pleather separating them.

Ever strong, silent and overpowered by Alice's incessant repartee, Tasha remains tacit while Alice suffers from a severe case of running her mouth. That Dan Foxworthy is one sly old, overpaid shrink though. The not-so-happy couple appears to have made progress, when at the end of the session, Danny-Boy tells them they have nothing in common and they should end it. Uh-oh. Is that a gauntlet? And you know this hot pair is going to fuck like crazy and fall in love just to show ole sly Foxworthy he's full of it.

And just to get the ball rolling, Alice and Tash have hot Mini Cooper sex in the parking garage at Foxworthy's office.

Back in hetero hell. Well, it's pretty far from hetero but it sure is a hellish Max and Tom have gotten into, Max has already come from the local abortion clinic where he's discovered he's four months preggers -- to far along for the procedure.

Gob-smacked by the whole situation, Tom asks Max why the doctors didn't inform Max he could still get knocked up if he were taking testosterone. And that's a typical dude for you. Fuck first, cross your fingers and ask questions later. Max's answer says it all though.

"Maybe because she didn't think I was stupid enough to let some faggot fuck me!" So it's not very PC of Max to put it that way but he has a point. Next he kicks the shit of Tom, landing a solid front kick right to the gonads. It's a little late to do damage to Tom's swimmers but nice try Max. Grabbing responsibility by the horns, Tom tells Max he doesn't think he he's ready to be a daddy.

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Finally, Bette's always best when she's in her natural setting spewing art theory. She and Tina are checking out a new gallery owned by a hot divorcee who walked off with more than 80 million of her hubby's fortune. And she also happens to be Bette's ex college roomie who's got a bangin' body and unrequited lust for Ms. Porter. Enter Elizabeth Berkley of Showgirls and Saved by the Bell fame as Kelly Wentworth. A word to the wise Tina... get your marbles ready and toss em now because that hot bitch is coming after your woman!

"Still gay?" Kelly inquires.

"I lack imagination in some areas," Bette replies -- and we love you for it Bette!

Bette and Kelly wax on about the old days when they were both sluts in their respective orientation, while Tina attempts to edge between all that hair, hot lips, cruising and swooning. Kelly tells Bette she'd like to get together and pick her brain, to which I must say, what an excavation that would be. But let me translate, what Kelly means to say is, "I'd like to get together, pop a bottle of Veuve, talk modernism for a half a second and then make art on my 1,500 thread count sheets." And who can blame her?

While Bette waxes horny about days of yore, Alice and Tasha, in a post-car-coital glow--make a pro and con list before heading to Hit club.

Once there, Alice comes down with another case of the running of the mouth after spotting Helena's old extortionist / bi flame Dylan (Alex Hedison) on the dance floor. "She's the filling in the Lesbo sandwich," Alice points out. As an aside, it's nice to see Alex back in the saddle but it looks as though they assigned her the same hair stylist who cursed Bette with soccer mom hair last season. C'mon, Alex is a real dyke, worthy of good hair. What's with the fucked up coiffure?

Ever the voice of keeping it real, a dumbstruck Tasha asks how Dylan didn't know she was a big homo.

"She wasn't gay back when she was fucking Helena," Alice replies, which pretty much sums up everyone I dated up to the time I was 30.

Back at the  shed of the Jenny Home for the Emotionally Challenged, Max is soothing himself with a good video game. Tom turns up, contrite and ready to make an offer. He and Max can be a pair of West Hollywood "fag dads" and become instant celebs by doing a press tour beginning with Oprah.

"Sorry I kicked you in the balls," Max says.

"Sorry I knocked you up," Tom replies, and it would be funny but it's just all kind of too sad for Max who's forced to put his life on hold. 

Bette and Tina are back home in their boudoir, where Tina points out that Bette flirted with Kelly.

"You feed off of people wanting you," Tina says, adding it's like blood to a vampire." It's fundamental to who you are." Yikes. That's a hard look in the mirror, but wait, can flirty vampiresses see themselves in the mirror?

Well, flirting obviously makes Bette horny, and she and Tina go at it. They strip down until it's a battle of the black bras.

Hit club's getting hot as Alice confronts Dylan on the dance floor with what appears to be a head butt, but on second glance, I'm thinking it was just a shove. Helena thankfully steps in before long since Alice is making a royal mess of things before Tash can drag her away.

"I've never stopped thinking about you," Dylan says. Well, being cut off from her millions, couch-surfing at Alice's, whoring herself out to pay a gambling debt, a prison stint and an escape to Tahiti later, it's a pretty good bet that Helena hasn't forgotten Dylan either.

While Chaiken and the Gang have become at times earnestly meta, occasionally they throw a who the fuck cares sort of caution to the wind and land a truly funny moment, which is what happens while Alice attempts to explain Helena's history to Tash. "She springs Dusty from jail,"  blah, blah. And the kids. Where'd they go?" Alice asks, addressing a question that's haunted more than one viewer concerned with continuity.

Cool, calm Helena finally loses her shit on Dylan, sucker punching her in the Hit club parking lot. Where the hell are the valets now? Just asking...

Anyway, Helena lets out a few seasons worth of rage on Dylan who replies with, "Thank you. Now I know you care! Oh Lord, and at that point another stint in prison might be worth it for Helena to finish Dylan off.

We're back at Jenny's, where Shane, who's already weeded Jenny's garden and washed her car, is done playing Jenny's bitch.

"Your done trying?" Jenny asks incredulously, to which Shane says she's not sure it's worth the effort. Listen to your instincts Shane!

Here's a subject we haven't broached for a good 45 minutes. Jenny painstakingly explains to Shane, "When I said you broke my heart..." And frankly, I'm not listening. The suspense is not killing me. My ears are bleeding from the beating of this horse.

"I was talking about you." Uggg. And she said it. They couldn't just let Shane get it on her own. I might have missed a line or two because at that point I had to top off my drink.

"I'm in love with you," Jenny says. And Shane being -- well, Shane -- gives Jenny the old pre- make out hug. Cue collective lesbian groaning worldwide as Jenny and Shane consummate their friendship-I mean love -- I mean lust.

Oh I don't know. Roll credits, I've got to go take a Purell shower after all that.

Missed the last L Word recaps? Read it here.