Welcome back to SheWired's L Word recaps. We're past the halfway point in the final season and lesbians, straight and bi-curious women and voyeuristic straight men world wide are wondering where the hell they're going to get their gay girl fix.
And yes, I realize these are a bit late but Monday was a bank holiday, so please forgive me for taking four days to get it together.
This week's "Litmus Test," which aired a week before the Academy Awards, offered up one wildly cynical plot -- i.e.... Dylan proving her love, but we'll get to that later -- and several fine performances by our cast of lovelies. Before we get to our actual recaps, which will be slightly truncated due to the fact that it takes me three hours to relive these episodes in vivid color -- I offer you my nominations for the top-notch, gosh-wow performances in this week's episode.
Best Actress
Leisha Hailey: For Alice's confronting Jenny and ripping her to shreds while basically telling Shane she's an idiot for dating the Schecter, and subsequently peeling out of their driveway. And for delivering the only "Schecter's fucking dead" -- or some facsimile-line of the season that's even remotely believable. Hmmm. We know Chaiken's not letting the killer cat out of the bag but it sure just might be eat-her-with-a-spoon adorable Alice.
Laurel Holloman: For Tina's oddly sexy tirade against that "Stupid fucking cocksucker" Aaron and the billionaire perv William --after which -- you know she and Bette had killer sex.
Rachel Shelley: For Helena's ability to make sex with an ex who teamed up with a boyfriend to extort her look so vulnerable and frankly -- fucking hot.
Best Supporting Actress
Mia Kirshner: For making Jenny appear to possess a few human traits and have a little fun while posing as Niki Steven's manager. Of course she was basically given free reign to be lying and manipulative, which Jenny loves best, but we'll throw her a bone.
Jennifer Beals: For Bette defending her woman by hurling the epithet "balding, impotent worm," at -you guessed it-- Aaron.
Kate Moennig: For making Shane's exasperation with her latest fling -- her BFF Jenny--seem utterly palpable. And for engaging in some bona fide dyke drama in a public space...so unlike the cool, calm Fonz of the L Word.
And now...on to the episode... It's morning at The Planet and since virtually everyone in LA either works 80 hours a week at a desk and spends the rest of their waking hours schmoozing, or doesn't work at all, it's safe to say it's a weekday. Everyone's favorite monogamous, big-brained, hot-assed couple, Bette and Tina, are busy taking business calls while Alice, annoyed at the disruptions, attempts to read the Arts' section of the paper. And, it's the New York Times Arts section, I might add. That's a girl after my heart.
Apparently Bette and Tina have turned big Sis Kit's coffee joint into an office to avoid the construction on their new addition, and Tina, who's been slapped with the accusation that she stole the negative of that piece-of-crap, sure-to-be-a-flop The Girls movie, has decided it's just easier to work from home, or rather, from her sister-in-law's and ex-lover's hot spot.
Tina hangs up the phone to announce that one Ms. Screenwriter Savant Jenny Schecter just sold a script for a cool half-mil...and -- wait for it -- there was a bidding war! Because, you know, no one can get enough of Jenny's schlock. Alas, once Tina explains the plot about a talk-show host, a cop, a trained monkey, a dwarf and a hooker with a heart of gold, Alice's head light flips on.
Hold up... is it sort of like "Foul Play meets Mr. and Mrs. Smith?" Alice asks. Sure enough, Jenny has ripped off Alice's intellectual property. Alice turns on a $700-dollar heel and exits fired up and declaring, "Schecter is so fucking dead!" And for the first time this season. I believe it. Do not fuck with Alice. She is all bad-ass and beauty in a smokin' designer dress.
Brace for it - yeah it's Betty again! But on the upside, it's your last pee-break and cocktail top-off exit before hitting the low road that is "Litmus Test." And on the theme song count-down, there are only three more remaining. That is unless, Chaiken and the Gang appropriate it for Alice's The Farm, prison setting spin-off...or if you put it on heavy rotation on you iPod for nostalgia's sake.
Back from the bathroom just in time for Alice to read Jenny the riot act --whatever that really means. The point is, Alice does not mess around. 'You stole my idea," she hurls at a befuddled Jenny. "Who me? What? Someone is actually calling me on my shit rather than just pretending to be my friend for God knows what reason?"
Jenny being pathologically Jenny says, "That jumble of ideas you gave me?" Ouch. Then she goes on to lecture Alice about the Hollywood writers' "Idea Well," adding that they all drink from the same fountain. Of course Jenny the writer is mixing her aqua-related metaphors here but what the hell...she's committed to her crazy and it's admirable.
Meanwhile, Shane has rolled out of bed, pulled on a shirt -- nips ablaze beneath it -- run one of her paws through her hair, applied some freshly muddled black eyeliner and emerged from her boudoir looking like she'd had a night of sex, booze and smokes. Alas, it's just likely from sex with Jenny, which could give anyone a hangover. Anyway, she's wondering what could possibly be the bee in Alice's bonnet and Al wastes no time letting it rip telling Shane, if you continue to "shack up with this fucking lying, stealing snake in the grass, I can't commit to being your friend." I'll say! Alice is mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. She peels out of the driveway leaving them in a cloud of Mini Cooper burnt rubber dust.
Off camera and speeding along in the Coop. Alice calls Tina to bitch about lil' Ms. Jenny, and lo and behold, before she hangs up the phone she's back at the Planet, where Bette and Tina continue to hold court, send faxes, take meetings, sip Americanos, trade big-brained quips and make saucer eyes at one another.
Yep, the couple that's been on then off then on then off then on...is definitely still on. The L Word's ostensible Ross and Rachel are sickeningly finishing each other's sentences as evidenced by their singular reaction to a text from cutie-pie crush Jamie.
"You have a third-wheel crush," Bette taunts. As a sidebar, how the hell does Big Time Art Gallery Guru former Queen of Academia Dean Porter have time to keep up on trendy slang? The dynamic couple continues to explain to Alice in cutesy, earnestly hip terms, just what having a third-wheel crush entails. Basically, Alice and Tasha are about to get really messy and wet dipping into some mutually-agreed upon extracurricular waters.
Now that the mid-morning -- no one in West Hollywood drags ass to work before 10 a.m. -- espresso crunch has subsided, Kit and Helena plop down at the table, Pam Grier looking fresh-faced and eager for a storyline, or even a line, beyond playing Helena's second-in-command, comic relief. Meanwhile, Helena's got the weight of the world on her. To Dine with Dylan Moreland, the ex who royally fucked her --and not in a good way -- or not to dine with the ex who attempted to extort millions from her until mama Peabody stepped in and cleaned up the mess?
"Check yourself before you wreck yourself," somebody says, and I think it's Bette, but I'm so dumbfounded by Bette's new-found, old-school vocab, I refuse to believe it. Or was it Kit? I might have turned my head to guzzle some wine, so I'll admit, I'm not sure. Regardless, Helena's pals think dinner with Dylan is a wretched idea, so they devise a plan to ensure Dylan has Helena's best interests at heart. Basically, that means the gals must determine that Dylan won't virtually rob Helena of her fortune, rendering her temporarily penniless and setting her off on a life of crime with a high-risk gambler, only to land in the big house, engage in steamy prison sex with and run off to Tahiti with her cell mate -- again.
"Dylan has colonized my thoughts," Helena admits. Well, Helena, you're a lesbian...getting obsessed is kind of what we do. "That's deep," Alice says, while Bette begins a condescending lecture, which was on the verge of becoming super sexy, but she was cut off mid-smarty-pants speech.
Alice, ever the gal with the plan, and Tina, who appears to have honed her devious side after a year of sparring with Jenny over Lez Girls determine Dylan, to prove she's not, "a sleazy, gold-digging opportunist," must stand a test of character. Should they parade a little hottie around to tempt Dylan? "That would just prove she's a ho," Alice says plainly.
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Although silent and disapproving, it's Dean Porter who's sinister plan will work. She suggests Niki Stevens offer Dylan a directing job and then hit on her. It's "juvenile and ill-advised," says Bette -- who is just devastatingly fetching when she dons her Dr. Evil cap. An evil plot, dragging Shane, Jenny and Niki into the web of deceit is set in motion.
And yes, the cynical plot that renders our beloveds no better than high school mean girls, must go terribly awry. You just can't fight extortion with deceit. Or can you?
Suddenly, we're on the set of Niki Steven's latest flick, which appears to be a Victorian era corset and heaving cleavage comedy of manners, or else it's just a fetish film for the Women's College English Majors' set. Following Niki's Shakespearean-esque delivery of her "I'm going to fucking kill Jenny Schecter" speech on the balcony at Chateau Marmont, it's no surprise Niki would land a role in a period piece.
That's right; when I think period drama I think Knightley, Blanchett, Winslet and Stevens. All waxing Victorian pervy aside, Shane convinces an infatuated Niki to go undercover to expose Dylan. Of course Niki agrees because she's still got a soft spot for Shane.
Back at Jenny's house of ill repute and general fuckery, Tina has convinced her to pose as Niki's manager to call Dylan. The wheels of this nefarious plan are definitely in motion. Skeptical, but like any Hollywood transplant, ultimately and industry girl concerned with making it, Dylan agrees to meet Niki at -where else? The hub of all hell breaking loose -- Hit Club.
Like a good former extortionist should, Dylan calls Helena to inform her she'll be meeting with Niki at Hit. "We're still on for dinner tomorrow night?" she asks. And typically cool Helena's just a mess of insecurity when it comes to Alex Hedison with a bad doo. "If you don't get a better offer," Helena says, and this from a hot femme top. Is the same woman who lured a very pregnant Tina to the roof at Chateau and initiated steamy pool sex? It's sad really.
Meanwhile, Shane, home from coercing Niki into deceiving Dylan, and Jenny, still aroused from making a sham phone call posing as Niki's manager, look like they might just mix it up and have a little afternoon delight. But no, Jenny interrupts sexy times with her damned insecurity. "You saw Niki?" "I forbid it. She betrayed us." Uggg! "Blah, blah, blah, blah ZZZZzzzzzZZZZ." I can't quite hear the rest because I'm poking out my ear drums with a blunt object while simultaneously topping off my cocktail.
This wildly self-possessed, pointless, boring as fuck scene of Jenny's rampant insecure ego and Shane's coddling goes on for nearly 10 minutes, or what feels like the time it takes to sit through traffic court. I'll spare you the gory details and skip to Shane finally telling Jenny, "You gotta back off." Don't despair all of you fans of the Jenny / Shane hook-up. Rather than head off to a Co-dependents' Anonymous meeting, Shane comes back when Jenny admits culpability.
Out for dinner at see-or-be-seen Hollywood schmooze spot, Bette, Tina, Bette's Yalie roomie and current business partner who never shuts up about their glory days, Kelly, and some artist Kelly is shamelessly fawning over, are catching up on the hot topic of the century -- Bette's obsession with Kelly 25 years ago.
While Bette is off taking a phone call Kelly tells nameless artist boy - he might have a name, but frankly, when Jennifer Beals is on screen I miss the details except for her every blink of her eye or flex of her blazing deltoids - that Bette was "the one that got away." Tina, who doesn't look amused, appears more bored with the subject than jealous at this point.
"Tina, does it bother you that I flirt shamelessly with your girlfriend?"
And Tina, rather than grabbing a fist full of marbles and tossing them Showgirls style at Elizabeth Berkley's Jimmy Choos replies, "No, no, flirt away. Bette knows if she were ever to cheat on me then that would be the end of us. If it makes you feel scandalous and sexy to tease her with her co-ed crush then have at it.
Undeterred, Kelly says, "I will." The gauntlet has been thrown. I suggest they take it to Dawn Denbo's Oil Wrestling Pit to iron this one out. Bette can referee.
Just then, Tina's boss - I'm not really sure what his position is other than strident, dumbass homophobe - and William the billionaire investor arrive with two screenwriters whose project Tina had been fostering. "I wasn't invited," she tells Bette. "That's how you know you've been fired."
Back at Hit club, it's Season Two and that sleaze Mark is back filming the gals' every private interaction. No? I apologize, it's just Dawn Denbo's security system room, where Helena, Kit, Jenny, Shane, Alice and Tasha intend to play Big Brother setting her up and waiting for Dylan to take or not take Niki's bait.
Niki casually strolls in as if she's not the million-dollar movie star we're supposed to believe she is. Meanwhile, she texts Shane to say she's there, which sends Jenny into another insecurity spiral. Plus, Alice and Jenny are still hurling barbs at each other. Alice is having none of Jenny, which spurs the average, head-screwed-on-straight gal to muse, "Why the hell didn't one of these bright ladies put their foot down and kick Jenny to the curb circa the Sounder days?"
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Back at Industry Meeting central, or wherever Bette and Tina are reliving Bette's burgeoning, college-aged lesbian exploits blow by blow -- as it were -- Tina steps out to get some air while Bette, being the type A, control freak, hot top that she is, decides to give Aaron and William a piece of her ample mind, referring to him in that half academic / half prison-yard verbiage that only Bette can pull off. She calls him a "scum sucking, fucking miscreant."
It's Bette right? Aaron says condescendingly when she approaches the table. She asks if it's Aaron the "bald, impotent worm." That's when Tina steps in to fight her own battle, while Aaron proclaims he's happy to be "done with dykes." Talk about a gauntlet. Tina and Aaron are practically 24 paces with their muskets drawn before you can say Lez Girls is going to suck anyway.
Tina rips into Aaron calling him a "stupid, fucking cocksucker." As a side note, the name calling in this episode is rampant. Sticks and stones girls...really.
Anyway, Laurel Holloman, exhibiting her honed acting chops, continues on a tirade rife with straight boy epithets before railing at William for stealing the negative for his own movie for the insurance movie. Now, that's a can of worms. That all said, Tina goes on at length and admit I wasn't paying as much attention to what she said as much as I was thinking about how she and Bette were going to have mind-blowing sex afterward. I mean, they were both on fire. The My Girlfriend's a Bad-Ass Sex would be inevitable.
Back at Hit, Niki is up to her brown wavy locks in deceiving Dylan. Attempting to act as though she knows a thing about film, Niki goes on that old how to get an Oscar rant about playing lesbian, ugly or both will win you the Academy Award as evidenced by Charlize Theron in Monster and Nicole Kidman in The Hours.
Here's where I toss in my Oscar plug for one Ms. Kate Winslet, who parodied herself on Ricky Gervais' Extras saying that in order to finally win an Oscar she'd have to star in a film about the Holocaust, or play a mentally challenged person. Of course, it was much less PC than all that, but here's hoping Kate and her magnificent cleavage make it all the way to the podium Sunday.
Just as Niki begins to make a move on Dylan, namely offering her a job in return for sex, which would ostensibly make her a whore, Alice, who's been munching on popcorn during the sordid exchange, slams the popcorn bowl down on a keyboard and shuts down the security system.
The system pops back up in time to reveal Dylan -- gasp -- turning Niki down. So that either means, as Alice says, that Dylan's not a 'scumbag," or else, vapid Hollywood starlets aren't her type.
Now that Helena's ascertained the extent of Dylan's loyalty -- or her lack of desire for manipulative airheads -- Helena's ready to make her big move. She heads out to the lounge area where Dylan's still wondering what the hell just happened. And, I have to ask? Are they surrounded by a cone of silence? How the hell can they engage in a heart to heart surrounded by dance music and screaming lesbians?
"I could never stop thinking about you," Dylan says of her downtime after she royally screwed Helena over. And Helena, who, let's not forget is a bit of a slut at heart, suggests they find a more private place to "talk." Back at Dylan's apartment, Dylan waxes on about rubber trees and a trip to Thailand, which is a bit of Lesbo foreplay. Feigning innocence Helena says, "I don't know what I'm doing here." Please. Helena's a good ole randy girl with needs both sexual and emotional. Walking into Dylan's apartment is a bit like putting her head in the lion's mouth but the excitement is palpable.
Kudos to director Angela Robinson for casting Helena and her scary suitor in shadows and light ala French New Wave cinema. Unable to control herself, vulnerable, but still a horny, controlling sort of lover, Helena goes in for a kiss. Robinson, who's really pulling for that Art House skin flick look akin to Radley Metzger's classic sex-starved girls at an all girl's school in Therese and Isabelle, foregoes the standard lesbian folk ballad for this reunion sex scene and uses just ambient noise from car horns to lip smacks to gentle moans. Nice!
Making up for lost time Dylan heads south while Helena arches her back, throws back that mane of hair and lifts her leg to reveal her thigh-high fetish hosiery, which is a sexy alternative to pesky, hard-to-remove pantyhose. While Helena pulls Dylan's head up for the post-cunnilingus kiss, I'm look at my friend Mona on the couch next to me and think this is one of those times I might have wanted to watch alone. I mean, that level of titillation should only be experienced alone or with an object of affection. Here's where I miss the beginning of the next scene because I've had to apply ice cubes to my temples and sit in front of a fan for a few.
For economy's sake I neglected to mention earlier that Jenny rifled through Shane's texts looking for correspondence with Niki, so Shane hit the smoking section at Hit leaving Alice to tangle with Jenny over intellectual property.
Of course, Alice has also been the meat in a Tasha and Jaime sandwich on the dance floor. Thankfully they spared us the three-way lesbian dance hump that drunk dykes love to whip out to make everyone in their immediate vicinity cringe.
Momentarily free from her batshit nuts girlfriend, Shane runs into Niki in the smoking area. "That was sweet what you did," Shane says of Niki's eagerness to deceive and manipulate a woman she's never met. Niki screams philanthropy at its best.
Inside Hit Alice and Jenny continue to go at it while Jamie and Tasha gang up on poor little Jenny. Don't they know their supposed to be ganging up on Alice? Jenny's shouting about how she and Alice are supposed to be good friends. Alice, who has finally taken a hit of sodium pentothal, finally speaks the truth and corrects her. Nope...not really...no...we've never really been good friends...it finally dawns on Alice.
Alice, Tasha and Jamie continue to engage in three-way foreplay on the dance floor, while Shane and Jenny get into a stop-the-music sorts of dyke drama screaming matches over Niki...again. Shane, just kill her now. Please put us all out of our collective misery. If I wanted to listen to an insecure, harping crazy girlfriend ad nauseum I just go out and find one.
Back to the boudoir and Helena and Dylan are still engaged in a battle of the hot bras coupled with slow, loving, intimate sex, and Helena's wearing vulnerability on her sleeve. "I'm scared," she says. "Me too," Dylan adds. Meanwhile, are they making love on a shag carpet? That's so seventies soft core of them.
And, at this point, where are Bette and Tina? I'm certain they're in the throws of some pretty fiery post Tina's tirade sex. A little sex scene cross cutting would have been nice.
The episode ends with a slow-mo pan of Hit club, with Alice, Tasha and Jamie dancing together and looking like they're in threeway love. Meanwhile, Shane, pristine shadowy eye makeup and all, lurches through the club appearing whipped and forlorn. Tune in next week to see which L Word of the lovelies will threaten Jenny next. There's only Helena, Bette and Shane remaining and it looks like it could be poor little rich girl Helena who unleashes some crazy on Ms. Schecter.
