While the rest of the country took the weekend off to celebrate the Fourth of July with Tofu pups on the grill, watermelon salad, good old American beer and Katy Perry’s “Firework” on a continuous audio loop, the lovely ladies of The Real L Word forged on as if there were no such thing as a three-day holiday. I realize that the show is taped, so they weren’t working, but the show aired on a holiday weekend and that’s why I am just not getting to recapping that beautiful disaster.
This week we open with establishing shots of the Santa Monica pier and cut to our lovable lothario Whitney at a pool party at some fancy-pants house near the beach. Where do these girls find such fancy friends? If you recall last week’s episode, Whitney, burned by Sara once last time, swore she was done with that toxic relationship.
“I need a new relationship… a new love,” Whitney says to the cam in one of those pseudo confessional, talking head interviews. “You need Codependents Anonymous!!!” I find myself shouting at the TV. “Get thee to a meeting now!” But then, I’m shouting at the television, so Lord only knows what sort of meeting or meetings I should be checking out.
It wouldn’t be Whit if there weren’t some cute girl present to become the momentary apple of one’s eye. This time, she’s intrigued by 19-year-old Mel -- a cutie who looks not unlike a less messy Lindsay Lohan -- which has me wondering if Whit didn’t crash Lindsay’s house arrest pad in Venice for this pool party.
It turns out that Mel doesn’t like labels, doesn’t know if she’s gay etc… And that’s all well and good for a 19-year-old but Whitney should know better. Mel’s “not underaged,” Whitney declares as if Chris Hansen’s about to show up with the To Catch a Predator camera crew. Whitney says she’s “intrigued” by what she perceives as Mel’s lack of experience with the ladies. Insert collective groan here.
Meanwhile, Cori and Kacy, are at the OB/GYN getting the down and dirty on the insemination process. The doc would like them to do the insemination in the office but Kacy is worried about feeling left out of something so sterile as an office insemination. Again, they should re-watch season one of The L Word because there are valuable lessons to be learned on the baby-making process in that premiere season.
Cut to Romi with her friend/daddy figure Drew, who’s in recovery and offering advice to Romi on how to try to be sober while handling her adorable but booze-happy girlfriend Kelsey. The thing Drew does not do is suggest that Romi drag it to an AA meeting, but then he wouldn’t be the hero in her life if she got help elsewhere. Yes, that’s a really negative thing for me to say. Perhaps he’s just a friend with no ulterior motive… blah, blah, blah. I know, I’m judgmental.
Back at the pool party, Whit’s ex Rachel, who all but full-on OD'd twice during last week’s episode shows up with Alyssa. Now, Alyssa has always been a bright-spot/voice of reason on the show but the producers keep having her drag Rachel around with her and it’s bringing Alyssa down.
Cue Whitney saying she’s basically so horny she’s ready to just “walk by something and sit on it.” And I just have to wonder where she gets her energy…
There’s some back and forth via talking head interviews with Whitney explaining that Rachel actually looks cute at the party. As Whitney astutely says of Rachel, “She’s not fucked up. She’s not nodding out.” Now that we’ve established that Whit has standards we’ll move on.
Rachel takes one look at Whitney’s flavor-du-jour Mel and says, “You can’t send a girl in to do what a lady can do.” Not that Rachel’s exactly been behaving like a lady, but good for her for fancying herself a Kate Middleton type.
With the blink of an eye –- which is usually a slow blink on this show because everyone’s usually a little tipsy -- Whit’s banging Rachel from behind over someone’s bathroom sink. I guess this is supposed to be hot but Rachel’s just been gunning for a piece of Whit so badly – and I’m thinking about all the bathroom sink germs – that it’s a bit of a turn-off. One of them says it was a “no strings attached” encounter but I’m envisioning a Fatal Attraction scenario with these two. Hide your dogs Whitney!!!!
Three weeks in to her relationship Sajdah is having increasingly more serious conversations with her new love Chanel. You may remember that last week they had their first spat, which has made Sajdah cling to Chanel even tighter and before you know it -- Holy UHaul! –- she’s asking Chanel to move in together. The fact that Chanel hasn’t made a Chanel-shaped hole in the wall by running as fast as she can to get out is to her credit. But we’ll give Sajdah a break since this is her first lesbian relationship and that’s always feels like a mélange of a total girl buzz tinged with sheer panic. Still, I wish Ilene and the gang would focus occasionally on other aspects of Sajdah’s life. For instance, does she have a job? Can we watch her play football more? Where’s her feisty friend Marissa?
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Anyway, Sajdah and Chanel are having a discussion about sex and they can’t agree on whether they’ve had it or not. Sajdah thinks they have but Chanel says that was all just foreplay. They both got off, according to Sajdah, in case that matters in the definition of sex or not.
The new couple decides to get a full round of STD testing done before going whole hog –- as it were-- which Sajdah says she can’t imagine, since what they’ve already done has blown her mind. Aw, young lesbian love is so sweet and un-jaded!
Next up, Whitney is taking the next logical step in her new found famedom and hosting a lez night in Hollywood with Asha and Lezlee. But first, they need to stage a photo shoot to get a hot pic for the flyer to promote “Juicy.” Because nothing in Whitney’s life is without a complication, and because the RLW producers are masters at orchestrating drama, Sara shows up for the shoot only to hang all over Whit. To be fair, Whitney had asked Sara to go-go dance for the night long before their split, but still, they don’t need her at the shoot. However, Whit declares she’s basically disgusted with Sara and pays no attention to her even as Sara’s lounging all over Whit in nothing but a bikini and Whit’s pretending to feed her a grapefruit. Now that’s dedication to your job Whitney!
From that we cut to Sajdah and Chanel turn up at “The Spot” for their HIV/STD testing. With all the talk of various STD’s Sajdah says she’s itching all over, which is kind of like what happens when I watch this show without first taking a Benadryl with Patron chaser.
But back to the show, through rapid HIV testing Sajdah and Chanel discover they are both negative in a matter of a few minutes, however they will have to wait two weeks for the rest of the STD tests to come back. Congrats to Sajdah and Chanel for having the STD talk while much of the rest of the cast seemingly doesn’t give a toss about what they’re giving or getting or from whom.
Meanwhile Romi’s gone to meet with her friend who runs Showcase LA, and he’s offered her a job that basically starts yesterday. Within days she’ll be representing his clothing showroom at a trade show in Vegas. But good for Romi - she’s trying to move onward and upward. This is a far cry from the soft-core porn act she debuted with Whit last season.
On to Claire for the first time this episode – I just want to take a moment to thank her for re-tweeting one of our stories last week from her Dirty Boudoir Twitter account – and she’s with her friend Barbara, who’s visiting. They’re on their way to one of LA’s hot women’s nights, PYT.
By the time Claire arrives the rest of RLW ladies are already there and Romi’s Kelsey is already slurring. I imagine Kelsey is a multi-faceted talented woman that the RLW producers have reduced to a sloppy drunk, which just sucks for her if that’s the case. Still, this is about the fifth time we’ve seen slurring Kelsey since the season kicked off.
Somehow Claire, who is apparently just sitting there minding her own business –- although I wish the cameras had caught her throwing shade -- gets into a fight with a friend of Whitney’s when said friend calls Claire a “deb.” In club parlance that essentially means she’s a “Debbie Downer” –something I just learned. Who says The Real L Word isn't educational?
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Whit’s aggressive friend – her name escapes me – continues to hammer at Claire until she finally storms off saying, “You can suck my dick.” Wow these ladies are classy. Claire responds, “You can suck mine too you fucking ugly bitch,” and I must say that I don’t disagree with Claire on this one.
When Claire’s ex/frenemy Francine discovers someone has harassed Claire she heads over to the girl to ostensibly diffuse the situation. Soon enough, Francine and Claire’s harasser are in a hug, which practically sends Claire over the edge.
Back to Romi and Kelsey and they are arguing about what else? Booze! Kelsey’s drunk and Romi decides it’s time to have the no drinking talk with her. Essentially Kelsey wants to party until her liver drops out and Romi, who’s already had that pleasure, wants to live her life sans the good shit. Still, Romi acknowledges that it’s Kelsey’s right to drink until she’s swaying as much as Romi did in her 20’s, so who really knows where this fight is headed. But despite the delicate nature of the conversation and taking into account that Kelsey’s three sheets to the wind it’s really quite civil.
Over at Cori’s and Kacy’s Culver City digs – seriously, I have to look at the heart welcome sign on their door every time to figure out how to spell their names – Cori’s waiting for the hypnotist who’s going to help her stop smoking so that she’s as fertile as a Duggard when Cori pulls the trigger on the sperm gun. As an aside, they are a lovely couple but their ginger kitty is stealing every scene from them.
Meanwhile we’re getting more insight into the Romi/Kelsey drinking argument. To her credit, Kelsey says she doesn’t want something like alcohol to hold so much power over them. Romi says they really love and care about each other – and in the light of the day when Kelsey’s not holding a rocks’ glass, that is apparent. I’ve decided I’m pulling for these two.
Over at Francine’s, she’s showing her friend Johnny the crazy texts Claire sent at 2:18 am after Francine hugged her harasser. The texts read something along the lines of, “I know you think I’m too school for cool, which I am.” Oh wow… who talks like that?
The entire gang is prepping to show up at Whit’s party “Juicy” but Kelsey, in an attempt at solidarity with Romi, has decided to lay off the sauce for the evening. But rather than go to the club and sip diet Shirley Temples all night, Kelsey calls Romi’s sober coach and daddy figure Drew to keep her company.
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At “Juicy” Whit’s waxing on about her current state of being, “a professional lesbian,” “gaymous” and a “celesbian.”
“I’m so glad I have two bachelor’s degrees,” Whit says, taking a little jab at herself and her current career path.
Back at Cori’s and Kacy’s place it appears the hypnotist did jack to stem Cori’s nicotine cravings, so she and her wife are running around Culver City in search of an electronic ciggie. Stressed out and jonesing Cori leaves her phone at a convenience store, causing her to snipe at mild-mannered Kacy. In the end, she gets her phone back, although they never do find the electronic cigarette Cori wants so badly. Still, she’s so happy to have her phone back it’s quelled a bit of the cigarette anxiety.
Romi turns up at “Juicy” to support Whitney, and she’s sticking to her non-boozing guns by sipping an O’Douls. While she’s there to support Whit, she does spend an inordinate time waffling on about Kelsey and Drew and how he’s found a way to inject himself into their relationship.
Feeling a little out of place and blue Romi heads home but not until after she’s talked to Kelsey and discovered that Drew is at their place watching movies with Kelsey in their bed. It’s a small apartment, so the bed appears to be the center of all activity but still…
“I don’t want to go home and be around anybody,” Romi says, and I’m totally with her on this. Its one thing to go home feeling shitty and face your partner but it’s another thing altogether when there’s some do-gooder busy-body kicking back on the bed.
Meanwhile, Francine’s back at her place with her two new BFF’s Kristianne –- who’s got a thing for Francine -- and some guy who’s name I didn’t bother to catch who she met just a few hours prior. They’re helping her haul Claire’s shit outside since Claire announced at “Juicy” that she’d be by at 10 am to finally pick up her things.
While the guy who shall remain nameless because I don’t care enough to look it up is hauling Claire’s crap to the curb, I’m wondering, how you meet someone and three hours later entice them to come back to your house and fuck with your ex/friend’s stuff? That’s just tacky all around.
Displaying a modicum of tact, Francine decides that tossing Claire’s stuff to the curb is really too much and decides they’ll leave it on the front porch under an awning. Now, Claire is the guest who arrived in LA under false pretenses to try to win Francine back while keeping her NY girl on the line and she squatted at Francine’s for longer than she was invited but still, tossing her stuff outside for the coyotes and homeless is just bad form.
And that’s pretty much where we leave off for this episode. Tune in next week for what I imagine will be more boozing, public outbursts, backstabbing, generally bad behavior and soft core porn.
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