Out on Campus: George Washington University

Welcome back to SheWired's exclusive series 'Out on Campus,' brought to you by SheWired Associate Shannon Connolly and Senior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist.  We are busy combing college campuses across the nation -- or even around the world -- to bring readers a varied perspective on coming out or being out at college.

Enjoy, and if you'd like to be a part of our series please email me at [email protected].

I knew I was gay before I knew what the word meant.  I spent the bulk of my adolescence infatuated with most of my female classmates and teachers and refused to admit my homosexuality.  I was convinced, or at least trying to convince myself that I wasn't gay; I was wrong.  In high school, there was a girl, isn't there always?   One restless night while tossing and turning and thinking of her I finally sat and up and whispered out loud, "I'm gay." I felt like at every moment before that I had been choking and now I could finally breath.

Over time and in differing ways I told my close friends and those in my family I felt needed to or had a right to know, none of whom were surprised and all of whom were glad that I was finally able to tell them.  

When I was 18, I left to attend the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth (UMass) for my freshman year of college.  Over the summer I had cut off most of my hair, started wearing male clothing and even won a scholarship for gay athletes.  I had made a pointed decision to attend a school in a particularly liberal part of the nation and was even greeted by a gay pride flag when I arrived on campus.  I felt that finally I was ready to lead a life of truth and fulfillment.  

For the most part things went well at first.  I bonded with other people who were just coming out, I joined the Pride Alliance, and started dating a girl.  But truth be told, I never felt completely comfortable in my new home.  The people weren't as progressive as I had expected and I always sort of felt like I was being watched.  One night it all came to a head.  A week into the spring semester my then girlfriend and I were walking back to her room from a Super Bowl party.  Half way through the "freshman quad" a group of boys started yelling homophobic slurs at us.  When my girlfriend began to confront them I rushed to stop her.  I never did look up at their faces. I was probably too afraid that they'd become scarred in my memory.  When we got back to the dorm I spent the night calming her down; myself not admitting that I was horrified beyond words by what had just occurred.  

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The next day I decided to transfer.  I heard their words over and over again in my head for weeks; I took a different route to class after that to avoid people.  I stopped participating in class discussions and opted to eat lunch in my room.  I never reported what happened to the campus police because I was unable to bring myself to talk about it.  I knew that I had to leave that place and that I had to find within myself the courage to rise to my potential.

At the end of the academic year I attended our theater company's production of "The Laramie Project."  By the end of the play, I was moved to tears.  Furthermore, I was tremendously grateful to everyone involved with the production; I felt like they were doing their part so that not only I, and all LGBT people, could live our lives freely and openly.  A few weeks later when attending an end-of-the-year dinner for the Pride Alliance I began to realize that although I didn't feel that UMass was ultimately where I belonged, that I still deeply valued the friendships I had made.

In the fall of 2008 I arrived as a second year transfer student at The George Washington University (GWU).  I quickly landed a job as the student coordinator of the newly established LGBT resource center.  I also soon realized that GWU was very gay.  That is, there were a significant number of gay male students in attendance.  In many ways I feel this has contributed to a mostly accepting campus life.  Yet, as a lesbian, I often feel excluded from that reality. There are moments when I do feel both content and blissfully happy when I connect with people on campus and begin to feel at home.  For the most part I have thoroughly enjoyed my time here and am looking forward to all that is to come.  I have meet people and experienced things that I know I will keep and cherish for the rest of my life.  

I feel it is relevant to note however that at a school like GWU filled to the walls with young people who are tremendously ambitious, there are many fears associated with the reality of being gay... fears of failure experienced by all young people that are often amplified by their sexual orientation.

There are a number of students committed to the betterment of the LGBT community  here, but they are outnumbered.  Most acknowledge their sexuality but feel as though they don't have to join a club to be who they are.  Gay may very well be what they are but it is not who they are.  A gay rights movement may be occurring, but as long as there are others to fight that battle, they need not. 

I must mention that on some days I am these people.  I often feel that my homosexuality should not define me, just as it doesn't define heterosexuals.  I don't usually tell people because I don't feel I should have to. It is my business.  Yet it is always on my mind...even now.  

I was very reluctant to write this article.  I felt that once I did that there was no going back.  That is not to say that I'm not out.  No one I have ever told has been shocked and I doubt anyone ever will be.  I just feel like my sexuality is a very personal matter.  And although some have suggested that this is a form of internalized homophobia, I disagree.  I  acknowledge and commend those who choose to be loud and vocal about who they are, I'm just not one of them.  Just as it is their right to be loud it is mine to be quiet.  My orientation, just like all other components of who I am, is still evolving and probably always will be.  I admit I have yet to reach my destination, but I know that I certainly plan to enjoy the journey.