Human ingenuity is a wonderful thing, and perhaps never more evidently so than in the particular arena of sexual satisfaction. All of the life lessons contained in this article stem from personal experience, either mine or that of adventurous friends. Go forth and…learn from our mistakes? Something like that, anyway…

1)      Candles

Romantic mood lighting? Dildo? (just trim the wick, or things will go bad before you can say ‘internal tearing’). Ingenious hot-wax-dripping device? Take your pick. Safety note: if you drip the wax onto paper first and it scorches, it's too hot to be used on skin (unless you're really into possible burns!)

2)      Clothes pins

Excellent for sensation play – just remember they hurt more when they come off than they do when they go on. See also: nipple clamps.  

3)      Freezer ice

Same deal as hot wax – trail over someone’s skin, or put in your mouth and then go down on them. (Er, don’t do the mouth thing with hot wax, obviously, but hot drinks work for this. Sometimes unintentionally.) Better to warn them in advance unless you guys have already had that conversation and you know that unexpected extreme sensation is totally their bag.

4)      Zucchini and carrots

Work as dildos. Wash them first. Don’t use the stalk end. My researchers suggest they work.

5)      Cigar cases

Perfectly sized and shaped for anal play. Doesn’t have a flared base though, so in the name of all that’s holy keep hold of it. You don’t want one of THOSE visits to A & E.

6)      Hairbrush

Great for spanking, obviously, also other (possibly blindfold) sensation play. I like those big old wooden hairbrushes. 

7)      Spatula

Also good for spanking and impact play, particularly the big flat ones. Mmm, thuddy.

8)      Neckties/scarves/stockings

These can be used as bondage, blindfolds, stroking devices, gags, role play aids, and more. Plus, they’re really good to improvise with as you take them off…

9)      Turkey basters

Someone has written a whole site about this. You cannot be more surprised than me, I assure you.

10)   Coconut oil

Massage oil? Natural lube? Skin sensitising agent? Whichever you prefer!

And here’s a few it’s really, really best to avoid. Trust me. These will not end well.

1)      Cucumber

Particularly if it’s straight out of the fridge. Apparently the coldness can cause one to, uh, seize up and become stuck.

2)      Vacuum cleaner

Just…no. Such no. It’s dirty (in the unhygienic way, not the hot way), it’s the wrong shape, and it’ll scratch you around the edges.

3)      Toothpaste

There are lies on the interwebz that say toothpaste can be used as lube. For the sake of your sheets and sleeping bags as well as your orifices, I urge you not to believe them.

4)      Shampoo bottles (or any bottles, come to that)

Either lids come off or edges scratch. Neither are much fun, and doctors spend an implausible amount of time retrieving them from people’s rectums. Do Not Go There.

5)      Deep Heat/Vick’s Vapour Rub/Chilli oil

They burn. And then they don’t stop burning. And then you have to run and fetch water and soap to try and remove them and they don’t come off because they’re designed to sink through skin into muscles and it’s just a terrible time for everyone.

6)      Vegetable oil

Hint: if you are giving someone a romantic massage, do NOT use vegetable oil. It will smell like chips and ruin the mood. You are looking to prompt metaphorical not literal showers, mmkay?

7)      Duct tape

Repeat after me: DUCT TAPE BURNS SKIN. Never, never attach it to naked skin, let alone leave it for any length of time. Bondage tape is a thing, it exists, it is roughly the same price, use it.

8)      Cable ties

Cable ties cut off circulation, and are difficult to cut through without hurting anyone. 50SOG is bullshit in many ways, but this one most relevantly right now. EL James has no fucking clue how to do safe bondage. I recommend Pervocracy!

Many thanks to Drew, Stacy, Bill, Sal, Yvette, Lynnette, Karen, Jo, Joanne, Jin, Sam, Meg, Ryll, Claire, Kat, Wil, Suzanne, Jenny, Reubs, Helen, Catriona, Evan, Nile, Eunice, Sean, Mack, Merc, Max and Squid for their intimate, incredible and often improbable insights.

Have you liked us on Facebook?