Picture this: You meet someone, you like them. You go out and have a great time. You have chemistry and you think to yourself, “This really could be something.” Maybe you even hook up. Then, happily, you keep communicating. It’s really beginning to feel like this could go somewhere real when suddenly—poof—they disappear. Naturally, as frustrating as that is, you know a classic ghosting when you see one. You move on, and just when you’re well and truly over it, suddenly you get that notification on your phone that the ghost is back and wants to reconnect.
This twisted little game has a name, and it may not sound as scary as “ghosting,” but it’s actually even spookier in reality. We’re talking about “submarining,” and it can seriously mess with your head.
From “banskying,” and “pocketing” to “micro-cheating” and “floodlighting” it seems like there are an endless number of toxic dating trends these days. But to get to the bottom of this one, PRIDE spoke with dating experts Dylan Thomas Cotter—author, trans activist, former adult entertainer, and Scruff dating app ambassador—and Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at the relationship magazine Passionerad, about what submarining is, why people do it, what you can do when it’s happening to you, and why queer folks in particular may experience it in the dating world. Here’s what they had to say.
What is 'submarining,' and where did the term originate?
Playing mind games in dating is nothing new, but the term “submarining” is relatively recent, Cotter tells PRIDE. “This term came about in the 2010s in many areas where dating discourse would take place, for example, magazines like Cosmopolitan, social media platforms, blogs, etc.,” he explains. While it can’t be traced back to one person, “submarining” seems to have “popped up when terms like breadcrumbing, benching, and ghosting became more widely known as well.”
As Cotter describes it, “Submarining is when you’re seeing someone and then they just dip out, leaving you hurt and perplexed as to why. Then one day, that same person then attempts to pop back into your life as if nothing happened and like there’s nothing wrong,” adding that this behavior should be considered a major red flag.
How is it different than ghosting?
Ghosting and submarining are related, but Cotter says the difference is simple: ghosts never come back. “Submarining is like diving away without acknowledging that you ghosted that person and then coming back,” he says.
This back-and-forth can actually hurt more than ghosting. “Think about it, let’s say you’ve been intimate emotionally, mentally, and physically with someone, you think everything’s going well, and one day they just vanish and stop communicating. That’s super traumatizing enough, but to then have the audacity to come back around and act as if that never happened and everything’s peachy — that’s diabolically harmful.”
Why would someone do this?
When you’ve been submarined—especially by someone you felt connected to—it’s natural to ask “why?” Cotter says there can be many reasons. Some people have “intimacy issues and are attempting to avoid vulnerability,” but lack the skills to communicate that honestly. Others may simply enjoy the toxic cycle. “Their brain is hung up on emotional reward cycles, and they live in a constant cycle of highs and lows. They are strategically attempting to stay non-committed but still wish to obtain a narcissistic supply of attention, emotion, etc. from the person they are submarining.”
Either way, it doesn’t bode well for a healthy relationship.
What can you do when you’ve been submarined?
Being submarined can leave you feeling powerless—this person decides when to disappear and when to return. But Cotter says you can take your power back by remembering your worth. “Everyone is worth being respectfully communicated with about the status of where their respective partner is and feels about the future of the relationship.”
If they reappear and you’re weighing reconciliation—or just closure—Cotter advises, “consider your own emotional needs and the overall nature of how the relationship has gone. That’s where you’ll arrive at your own unique way to process whether or not that last final conversation will be necessary closure for your healing or not.”
Are LGBTQ+ people more likely to engage in or experience submarining?
Queer dating often comes with added complications. Many LGBTQ+ people push against social norms and outside judgment, or may still be closeted. Roos explains that these factors can make submarining more common.
“For example, it’s common that someone who’s secretly queer and starts to date within the LGBTQ+ community suddenly gets scared, feels awkward or ashamed, and pulls back out of nowhere, to later come back when they have thought about it and feel more ready, its not uncommon to go back to the person they had contact with when backing off, and the result becomes submarining,” she tells PRIDE. “Put simply, it’s because it’s more difficult to date as a queer person in a world that’s very straight.”
While Roos is correct that queer dating has its own complications, which are deserving of empathy, it’s also not okay to treat others with disrespect, which ultimately is what Cotter says dating behaviors like submarining communicate. ”If this is happening to you,” he says, “block them and move on. You deserve respectful communication. There are many loving people out in this world who understand that.”
Experts cited:
Dylan Thomas Cotter, author, trans activist, former adult entertainer, Scruff dating app ambassador, and author of Transgender & Triggering: The Life of Dylan Thomas Cotter
Sofie Roos, bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at relationship magazine Passionerad
