Gossip Girl and Her Gay

When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?

SheWired.com Senior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along… especially when they’re getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.

This week, on Halloween, the dishy duo finds Elisabeth Hasselbeck in Reagan drag, wildly frightening while Tracy cops to a new crush on All My Children's latest on-screen Lesbo Tamara Braun but she's still not over the Lindsay Lohan obsession. Plus, Hillary Swank and Wanda Sykes dyke out on Ellen, the Ugly Betty cast gets political and more...  

TEG: Happy Halloween! Are you in drag?

RvM: Yes. Dressed up as Amy Winehouse, the crackie of Camden.

TEG: I love it! Alone in your room with a beehive and chunky yellow teeth? I'm dressed like Rosie O'Donnell in my pajamas all day video blogging.

RvM: Nah, I wish. I'm in my living room, and alas, all out of Drano. I think tonight I’ll go as myself 10 years ago, though I’m no longer a size 7 at Wet Seal.

TEG: Hahaha.. I know I want to check out the Weho melee but I can't be that girl w/o a costume. And frankly, I haven't had time for that shit.

RvM: I always make something out of shit I have in my closet.  One year I was a tie rack.

TEG: Awww. You little Martha Stewart you. Speaking of Halloween, since you are home, did you see Lissy Hasselbeck in drag? Very butch.

RvM: As Reagan? Of course she was. Bless Barbara Walters for keeping it real and dressing as a dead president.

TEG: Very authentic! Yeah. The View was fucking scary today. And Jerry Springer as Barbara Bush? It was all a bit surreal. But Lissy played butch really well. Me thinks there's a skeleton or two in her closet. You think she dresses up like that for Tim?

RvM: I missed it. I was WORKING. LOl.

TEG: Oh... I was too. Had it on in the background. It was work cuz now I'm talking about it.

RvM: This is true. I gotta be careful with that though. I was watching the day Marcia Cross went back in the closet. And I got really confused and thought she was dragging Joy with her.

TEG: Explain please...

RvM: Remember when the rumor went around for a hot minute that Bree van de Kamp was a dyke? She debunked it on The View.

TEG: Oh yeah... Hardly!

RvM: But I had the sound muffled. So I thought she was dragging Joy off stage to eat her hot pocket.

TEG: She's into her man meat, That's obvious. Oof. I like Joy but I don't know about all that.

RvM: Hahaha.

TEG: I have a new crush!

RvM: Who?

TEG: My girl Tamara Braun! Did you see her debut on All My Children?

RvM: It's on my TiVo. But yes. She is very hot.

TEG: Okay... so not being a soapy, how do they utter that shit without losing it? I would be like a cast member on Carol Burnett or Latifah as Gwen Ifill… giggling my ass off the whole time.

RvM: Yeah, some of it is complete sap. You'd find a way for $300K a year plus benefits.

TEG: Yep... nuff said. What's up Joe Francis' ass with Lindsay? You think he wanted to nail her?

RvM: Oh please. she prob got high one night a long time ago and agreed to do his video, then when she came down, she sent Sam Ronson and Dina over to pull a Thelma and Louise on his ass.

TEG: So you think Joe nearly got capped by Dina? That's rough!

RvM: She's from long island, no? She'd shank you for stealing her crimper.

TEG: I think so... Oh fuck yeah... Crimper and the ever popular Carrie Bradshaw hating scrunchy. Did you see Sarah Jessica Parker at a Barack Obama phone bank? She looked very prim and stylish under the community center desk.

RvM: Can you imagine getting that call? I know her right away.

TEG: And just like that...

RvM: I’d say, I’ll vote for Obama if you eat out Kristin Davis.

TEG: Awww. You're so nasty! But Kristin. That girl made a deal with the devil. She hasn't aged since the show's debut. The other girls haven't fared as well but going down seems to be suiting Cynthia Nixon well.

RvM: Yes. She just needed to soften that carrot top. Now that it’s a nice strawberry shade she balances Rojo nicely.

TEG: Oh I know! Too much. And now she's got the hot ginge Christine Marinoni, as DListed’s Michael K. says.

RvM: Did you hear they're bringing Melrose Place back? Maybe it's the thing that could turn Heather Locklear's life around. I think this time, Amanda Woodward should be a wayward woman of her 40s who settled down into a lusty affair with Valerie Bertinelli.

TEG: Oooh. I don't know. Can they reverse Locklear’s feline-esque plastic surgery? Damn you! Enticing me with Valerie...

RvM: I knew that would get you to tune in.

TEG: Thank the TV Gods she's coming back.

RvM: In a sitcom for TBS. Don't hold you’re breath.

TEG: I don't understand how everyone doesn't get the Valerie thing! Your dad loves her right?

RvM: He does.

More on next page...

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(continued)

TEG: I think your dad and I have the same taste. Is your mom hot?

RvM: He also loves Sarah Michelle Gellar and Xena. I'm just warning you.

TEG: Oh. Blech.

RvM: So, since I kick started this with a crackie comment, what about Amy Winehouse walking the streets while the drug lord who got her hooked goes to jail?

TEG: I have to admit, I tune out the Winehouse. It's too painful. She's too messy. Not like my Linds who is a controlled mess.

RvM: Yeah, I hear ya.

TEG: So what happened?

RvM: Don’t you think it'd be hot to do a special intervention with Winehouse though? She comes in… pee streaming down her leg. Singing old Janis songs.

TEG: I whip out the Clorox wipes and the Purel. I'd have to cover my furniture in plastic like an old Italian lady.

RvM: Awwww. Lets talk a min. about these 'NO on 8' ads.

RvM: The cast of Ugly Betty, Sam Jackson. How can anyone not vote No?

TEG: America is not fucking around in that vid! I don't know. People are nuts.

RvM: I like that Ana Ortiz.

RvM: She looks like someone who would back over you with her Toyota Celica.

TEG: Yeah. She'd not mess around. She was in that Lifetime movie about the woman who stole someone else's kid. Damned scary! That shit is pure guilty pleasure. Can you hang on? I have to go bitch at my neighbor who’s turned the outside into a smoking lounge. My apartment stinks of smoke.

RvM: Blech.

TEG: She's a Hollywood party girl. But it's not like having the Linds here.

RvM: You need to get over you’re Linds fixation.

TEG: I love that bitch. I'm hoping if I talk about her enough she'll hunt me down and verbally abuse me.

RvM: Lol. There are plenty of other people to do that. Lauren Bacall, Chyna, Wanda Sykes… take you’re pick.

TEG: I never had to stalk Wanda when I worked for the Enquirer. But hey, Wanda on Ellen today. Think she'll talk about being Lebanese?

RvM: Oh who can say. I love my Wanda. Even if she never comes out. It's not like Queen Latifah. She don’t deny nothing.

TEG: She's out.. .in her own way. She talked about her "girlfriend" at True Colors.

RvM: Hot. Love that. 

TEG: And I don't think she was talking about the kind of girlfriends who get facials together. And who trade their Coach bags.

RvM: Did she bring her on stage for a big strap on fantasia?

TEG: I wish! Fantasia... very funny. Dildos and dancing hippos.  Did you see Hills "I get a good role every 10 years" Swank in Ellen DeGeneres drag? VERY funny!

RvM: She just finished doing Amelia Earhart. Wonder if she plays her as a lez?

TEG: Amelia was straight no? Just one of those tough ass, mavericky, straight bitches I think.

RvM: I heard she was gay.

TEG: Hmmm. I'd better check my lesbopedia. Hillary, with her trucker's voice was, dare I say it, butchier than Ellen?

RvM: She’s a horse. Matt Damon in drag really.

TEG: I like Hills. Even if she makes 20 shit movies to one good one. And I think I like the equine look... SJP, Sarah Silverman, Julia Roberts... I don't know.

RvM: Yeah. I like horse refined… like… Sandy Bullock has equine qualities. But they're rounded.

TEG: I knew you were going there! Ah well.... should we call it a day, dig out a costume and get loaded in Weho?

RvM: Lol. I might be sober tonight. I’m starting to age.

TEG: Me too. Plus, I'm on antibiotics for that nasty little thing... My sinuses I mean.

RvM: I know. Not for the girlfriend. Lol. Ok. I’ll shove off.

TEG: Okay, shove it. Happy Halloween!

Miss the last "Gossip Girl and Her Gay"? Read it here.