For some people, coming out is a beautiful, healing, and fulfilling experience.
For others, it’s totally not.
If you’ve come out of the closet and the reaction wasn’t exactly what you were hoping for, trust me — I’ve been there. It hurts when people you love and care about don’t accept you for who you are, and it sucks when you lose those people from your life.
Keep reading to learn a little more about the psychological impact of a negative coming out, as well as some resources to help you navigate this difficult time.
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Even though it may feel like it, you’re not alone in what you’re going through.
”A negative coming out experience can be incredibly painful because it’s tied to something so personal,” says Attiya Awadallah, a licensed psychotherapist based in New York. “For many LGBTQ+ individuals, this type of rejection can feel like a dismissal of their authentic self, and that’s what makes it hit harder than other forms of rejection. It often leads to feelings of isolation, shame, and self-doubt. In my work with clients, I’ve seen that this rejection can trigger anxiety, depression, or a sense of feeling lost, especially when someone had hoped for understanding or acceptance.”
When my parents reacted negatively to my coming out, I was devastated, and I didn’t know what to do. I grew up in the backwoods of Yosemite and didn’t understand that I wasn’t the only one who felt the way I did. Back then, the internet was a brand new baby in the world and I didn’t have the connections to the outside world that I do now, so I understand how it feels to be lost in the mix.
Hold on to hope as best as you can, and maybe your parents will come back around like mine did. In the meantime, it’s important to take care of yourself along the way.
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Even if coming out doesn’t go as planned, do your best to at least acknowledge your bravery in the act, because it takes a lot of courage to be open about who you are.
While you’re at it, Awadallah also recommends seeking out support, whether that’s through therapy or from fellow members of the LGBTQ+ community.
“It’s crucial to lean on those who can offer validation and understanding,” she says. “Reaching out to people who affirm and uplift you can help soften the blow and remind you that you deserve to be accepted as you are.”
You may also need to set some emotional boundaries and distance yourself from the loved one who’s hurt you, and it’s okay to take some space and come back to the conversation whenever you’re ready.
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Before the internet, accessibility to information when it comes to being part of the community was scarce, which only further isolated the person going through the experience. I was around during the days of dial-up, and when Grindr first started. Outside of the apps and some of the toxicity surrounding the community we've come to experience, I would have loved the plethora of options available when I was coming out.
Here are a few organizations to consider if you're looking to deepen your community, learn more about yourself, or get the help you need.
One of the bigger online platforms that supports LGBTQ+ mental health and crisis support is The Trevor Project, which provides a 24/7 suicide hotline and international peer support for queer youth. They also conduct a lot of research to help equip the broader population on the importance of inclusiveness.
Another great resource is PFLAG, which is no longer an acronym, though it used to stand for Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. They're an organization that advocates for LGTBQ+ people and helps you find the resources and support that you need. There’s a chapter search that lets you find the closest location, and also offers virtual meetings and online outreach.
If you’re on the hunt for a therapist, Awadallah recommends the Inclusive Therapists Directory, which is a platform that will connect you with a therapist who specializes in LGBTQ+ issues and focuses on inclusivity. They have a free matching service with a mission to “connect identity-affirming care with BIPOC & 2SLGBTQIA+ communities.”
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Chat rooms and forums are an awesome way to connect with like-minded people, especially if you’re a teen and stuck in a situation you can’t get out of yet. Q Chat Space is a great option for teens who are either questioning their identity or looking to connect with people who understand. Check out their chat schedule for an idea of the topics and support you may receive.
You might not want to seek support online, and that’s okay, too. If you’re in a city that has access to an LGBTQ+ Community Center, never hesitate to reach out and ask for anything you need. You may not live near an official one, but look for something similar in your local community if in-person connection and support are what you most want.
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Believe it or not, gay Christians exist, even though they might seem rare. This, personally, was something I struggled with the most during my coming out process, because there are certain things about my beliefs that I hold to, and they don’t often align with the beliefs and standards in the LGBTQ+ community.
It’s hard on both ends, and it can feel like you’re constantly a walking contradiction, but Adwallah recommends people in similar situations do their best to separate their personal interpretation of their faith with what’s imposed on them.
“Your spirituality is your one, and no one has the right to define it for you,” she says. “Finding LGBTQ+-affirming religious communities can also provide a space where you can embrace both your faith and your identity without having to choose between them.”
Beloved Arise is a platform Adawallah recommends as a resource. They’re the first national organization who have dedicated themselves to empowering youths in their journey to balance their faith and queer identity. They are a multi-faith community and seeks to serve LGBTQ+ youth, especially those who exist in the margins.
For those who have a specific interest in Christianity, Adawallah recommends the Q Christian Fellowship, who recognize the harm that comes from the church and seeks to provide hope and healing instead.
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Bouncing back from a rough coming out isn’t easy, no matter how you go about it. Everybody reacts to things differently, and it can be hard to think about the calm after storm when you’re in the midst of it.
More than anything, do your best to remember you are not alone. Even if you don’t see it, there are people out there who value and celebrate you exactly as you are. Embrace your community, seek it out, and let it uplift you. Stay strong in the hard moments, give yourself grace, and in the end, be proud that you had the backbone to do it in the first place.
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