8 Things I'm Sorry for on Behalf of All Gay Men

Photo: Andre Hunter

Despite their own marginalization, there's a lot that many gay men have to own up to and apologize for. While I myself don't specifically identify as a gay male anymore, (I identify as a bigender, queer person) I spent most of my life living as one. In those years, I felt guilty for many trends and behaviors I saw in my community. It caused me to feel like I never fit in with other gay men. Not because I didn't want to or from lack of trying, but because there were so many insidiously problematic things going on; things that made me subconsciously distance myself.

Through the years, I struggled to find my voice in speaking up against the ignorance that I was witnessing. At first it was hard. The community I was supposed to be a part of often has little use for femme, skinny, gay boys (aside from sex). But with a few friends and some inspiring, late-night conversations, I soon learned that I mattered much more than my community ever showed.

I now have found the courage to speak up when I see things that insidiously or blatantly disrespect the life and liberty of other people. I do this not because I hate gay people or because I enjoy being critical, but because I believe we as a queer community can be better. In many cases, lives are literally on the line, and if I didn't think we could be better, I wouldn't waste my breath.

That being said, here are 8 things I'd like to apologize for on behalf of gay men. I only hope that others will share these sentiments so that we can start keeping each other accountable without fear of social attack and exclusion.

1) Not respecting boundaries

Some of us forget that harassment has nothing to do with attraction and that whether women excite us or not, we do not have permission to touch or comment on their bodies without their consent. No matter how femme someone is, gay men are not women, and shouldn't presume to tell women how to be women. A gay man can be just as dangerous to a woman as a heterosexual one.

2) Co-opting "Bye Felicia!" and "throwing shade"

Neither of these phrases was coined by a white person, but you'll see white gays in the media saying them everywhere they go like they own them (they're usually the same people who will tell you that Madonna invented voguing). It's one thing to say something someone else invented, but it's another to say it with added accents and attitude which demonstrate clear racial, class, and cultural stereotyping. It's also another thing to act like it's new or like you discovered it.

3) Comparing the civil rights movement to the queer rights movement

This is a big no-no. It might seem powerful or convenient to compare, and maybe that's why people do it, but it's still wrong. You can't compare the systemic, historical, and continued murder, manipulation, oppression, and abuse of black bodies to anything else on this planet. Both movements have their similarities, and both movements are about marginalization, but there is so much that's different between the two, and that's a simple fact.

4) Non-black gay men saying they have a black woman inside of them

It's a wonder to me that anyone actually says this because it's just so messed up. Gay men are not women. Non-black people are not black. Playing on a stereotype that being sassy and snappy equates you to a black woman is boldly racist. It's as simple as that.

5) Gay Republicans

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I know, it doesn't make sense to me either. I don't know what else to say about people who associate with a political party that has built platforms hating and oppressing them. We literally have well-known, openly gay GOP members like Peter Thiel who support Donald Trump and his disgustingly anti-gay VP candidate Mike Pence. This is not an exaggeration. Thiel is endorsing a man who chose another man who, among many things, signed a bill to jail same-sex couples who applied for a marriage license and wanted to put HIV prevention funding towards conversion therapy. You can't make this stuff up.

6) All the Azealia Banks hate

There are lots of bad people in the world, but none on this planet are as widely hated as rapper Azealia Banks. Sure, she's said and done some truly awful and terrible things, but at some point, people have to let it go. Banks can't breathe in real life or online without people trying to remind her how "irrelevant" she is. If only we hated anti-queer legislators like Mike Pence as much as we hate her. She hasn't attempted to take anyone's rights or put anyone in jail or encourage conversion therapy, but yeah, she's who we should hate. Donald Trump and Mike Pence can say pretty much anything they want, empower any violent, bigoted ideologies they want and still have people love and support them. But since Banks is a black woman with unpopular opinions who makes mistakes, she's the one who gets vilified. I'm still waiting for all these queens online to read either Trump or Pence like they tried to read her.

7) Chasing straight people

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I've always said this: how can I expect someone to respect my sexuality if I don't respect theirs? It's a simple motto and should be observed by all gays, because if you think you can change a straight guy, then by that same logic, society, your friends, and your family have the right to say you can change too.

8) Dominating queer media representation

Off the top of your head, you can probably name significantly more mainstream gay male characters in TV and film than you can lesbian, bisexual, or trans characters. Although a lot of the fault goes to writers, producers, and filmmakers, it wouldn't hurt for gay men to start thinking about ways to share the spotlight, not only in fiction but in the news and real life as well.