Burning Questions

Darlings, it seems you have some burning questions! These questions about sex, dating, and relationships are piling up in my inbox. I get it, dating is hard. It's a painful, miserable, lonely activity and I have no idea why we even do it. Oh wait, yes I do. Because we want to get laid. Well, here's some tried and true advice.

Do you have advice for a bi grrrl with a male partner? How can I convince the other grrrls I want them for myself and not for him to watch?

I do have advice for you! Dating lesbians when you are bi is occasionally tricky, and if you actually have a male primary partner, good luck. Lesbians tend to be mistrustful of women with male partners. Not all lesbians all the time, but I'm not gonna lie to you, the bias exists. Many women, rightfully so, don't want to sleep with someone who has a partner regardless of that partner's gender.

You'll be most successful if you go after other bi women, especially women who identify as polyamorous. The poly crowd is perfectly comfortable negotiating sex and relationships with people who have primary partners. Get yourself a copy of The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton, and study up.

I want to learn more about safe sex methods between lesbians. Seriously. I never see anything discussing it! So before I make an ass of myself pulling out the plastic kitchen wrap--I'd like to know what other options are available.

Safer sex methods for lesbians include but aren't limited to...

1. Phone sex (I'm a big fan)

2. Watching CSI while sitting next to each other on the couch (big fan of this one too)

3. Talking dirty to each other while mutually masturbating (another one I love!)

4. Latex gloves (Make her call you doctor, it's more fun that way.)

5. Always put condoms on toys (Hygienic! Also, easier to clean up after)

6. Keep lots of condoms handy in case you want to switch toys. Or holes.

7. Rolling around on top of each other like giant pandas is generally safe

8. Rimming (If she's freshly showered, you've been together a while and you know she's STD-free, why not?)

9. Showering together (This is a good precursor to #8)

10. Oh and the most important factor in safer sex between lesbians is to talk about STDs before you do anything that involves fluid exchange.

Generally our people are blessed. We can't knock up our girlfriends and there are many things we can do in bed that don't involve fluid exchange. Strap-ons, anyone? Use gloves for finger-banging until you've decided to be exclusive. If you want to go down on her and you haven't had the talk and you aren't monogamous, then yes, use a barrier. Saran Wrap is better than dental dams because you can rip off as large a piece as you want-Plus you can tie her up with it. Get creative.

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You keep advising high femmes to be more aggressive in flirting, but as part of the femme performance, I much prefer playing coy. I don't want to take lead--I want those butches to flirt with me! Any solutions for a more quiet femme?

If by playing coy you mean just sitting there waiting for someone to notice you... well that's not coy; that's lazy. It's cool if you want to play coy as long as you put some effort into it. Aggressive femme flirting is like topping from the bottom--a skill most femmes are born with.

I'm of the opinion that butches can be separated into two categories. One type will just hit you over the head with a club and drag you off to her lair. The other type wants you to chase her while making her feel like she's courting you.

I've dated both types and they each have their merits, but each requires a slightly different approach. For the former you wont need much more than a push-up bra. The latter is trickier and can be real pain in the ass. My girlfriend is of the latter variety and my god did she make me work for it. I was destined to either fall madly in love with her or go insane and hold a pillow over her face while she slept.

Make eye contact with someone you like. Hold it for a second or two too long and then look down. This is the universal signal for "Bang me." If she doesn't approach you right away, try it a few more times. If she doesn't eventually come talk to you, she's probably not going to be aggressive enough for you in bed anyway. You may as well give up on her and move on.

Why are lesbians so cliquish? I'm new in town and whenever I go out all the dykes are standing around talking to each other. I don't know how to approach them.

I don't really think lesbians are cliquish. Or at least I don't think they actually know how cliquish they seem and are in fact wondering why no one ever comes over to talk to them.

The entire lesbian nation is standing around waiting for someone else to make the first move. Face it. Being a lesbian is like reliving high school every day for the rest of your life.

Here's how to break into the scene: find the nerve to pick up one of the cliquier seeming girls and have a whirlwind affair with her for three weeks. Then break up with her. She'll never get over you and your heartless brutality will give you an irresistible aura of danger. You'll be an asshole, but you'll be the most popular asshole in school. Every dyke in town will fawn over you. People will make up rumors about you and call you terrible names while secretly hoping you will ask them out. Trust me on this one. You'll never have to buy your own drinks again.

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